Resting up and being lazy

I know that I have really been slacking with updates. I really want to sit down and get caught up but right now I just feel as if it is in my best interest to rest as much as I can.

I will post pictures and drawing as soon as possible.

For inquiring minds, everything is fine. I am currently 36 weeks and 3 days, I've had one false alarm, and as of last Wednesday, I was 1 1/2 cm dilated and 50% effaced so baby Isaac is getting ready to make his debut. I have an appointment tomorrow to see if there is any changes.

I sincerely apologize for my laziness but I wanted to check in and let everyone know that every things is fine. Thank you all for understanding and hopefully the next post will be a "He is here" post!

week 33 update

Week 33 was a doozy. Emotionally, I was kinda a wreck. I was having panic attacks left and right. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest and breathing became a bit of a problem. I wasn't even sure why and I couldn't even put it into words, it just started happening.

That week, I noticed a change. I started not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, talk to anyone except my husband, and I especially didn't want to see or visit with anyone. I know that sounds awful and once again, I can't even explain it. And it hasn't gone away yet. The only place I ever really feel like going is to my appointments and even then, I push myself.

So, when it came time to go to my husband's work Christmas party, once again...I pushed myself. I'm glad I did because I actually had a good time but I was happy to be home too.

I also started to feel REEEEAAALLY pregnant. The wobbling and hugeness really set in but that just means that it is getting closer and closer to the time where we get to meet Isaac.

Stay tuned for week 34 update, it may or may not include some pretty exciting news!

week 32 update

Week 32 was the start of my non stress tests. Two a week. Ive had four so far and they have all been great. Isaac seems to be behaving and not making any trouble, which is a bit unusual for him.

My anxiety did seem to start in week 32 and has only increased since but my energy level seemed to be good as I started obsessing a bit about the cleanliness and organization of the house.

Other than that week 32 was pretty boring, I guess it was preparation for a not so boring week 33.

It was unusually warm for Pa so we decided to take a belly picture outside. I would say that I definitely started to pop. My belly button has officially become an outie.

Week 32's drawing is of me getting my non stress test. The size of the baby was said to be that of a jicama. Once again, something that I have never heard of or seen but I guess they are in the potato family. I don't know. Either way, Isaac is getting bigger everyday for sure.

I have really started to enjoy his funny movements and trying to determine what body part is protruding from my belly. I try to get videos of his shenanigans but as soon as I reach for my phone, he stops. I will be sure to post a video as soon as he let me catch him in the action.

Are we there yet?

I will get to week 32 update soon, I promise. But for now, I'm gonna talk about my day yesterday.

I thought about just keeping it to myself and not sharing on the blog but then I remembered reading other baby loss blogs and all of their raw and blemished truth. I remember how even though it was sad, it was true. I have to be honest with my readers just in case they are feeling the same way, I can't let them be alone.

I guess I have made it pretty clear that this pregnancy hasn't been an easy venture. Sure, it is something we wanted, something we planned, and something special beyond belief. But that's not to say that it hasn't had its moments of hurt, pain, and tears... lots of tears.

This is something hard for me to admit and something that I don't like talking about. I have suffered with an anxiety disorder pretty much as long as I can remember, however, sometime around the point where I met Adam I figured out how to manage it on my own without medication. I hate my anxiety but it loooooves me.

I thought I would be able to organize my anxious thoughts and my normal pregnancy hormones into their designated spots in my brain but somewhere between "holy shit, I buried my first baby" and having to repeat that out loud and appear totally "strong" while doing it, my brain has turned into a hoarder's dream. Organization is the last thing going on in there. I know everything that could go wrong, I think about it, I dwell on it, I convince myself that it definitely will happen to me all while my heart prays that it will not.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling short of breath and dizzy upon standing. Then my anxiety took over. My heart was beating a mile a minute and instantly "something was wrong, it had to be". I had no control over it and as a control freak in total denial, the lack of control gave me even more anxiety.

I was going in for a non stress test anyhow so I thought I would just let them know that I wasn't feeling well while I was there. The non stress test went well, my blood pressure was good, nothing was off but they didn't want to risk it so they sent me to triage. They ran a few tests and everything came back normal. The doctor told me she wished she could find a medical student to show them how well Isaac looked on the monitor. They told me his stats were that of a term baby and that my EKG was perfect. All this great news was being thrown at me and yet I sat there in the most uncomfortable bed I had ever been in crying hysterically. I thought about the lack of crying that I did when I had heart the news that Brody wasn't living anymore. Why was I so backwards?

I felt embarrassed, I felt like a hypochondriac, I felt like they were all judging me while they repeatedly told me they thought that "seeing someone to talk to" was a good idea. I sat and shook my head up and down and screamed "NO" inside of my head. I can just imagine the kind of nut job they must of thought I was.

The ER doctor brought up inducing me early. I told her it was not what I wanted and that my doctors seem to think that I should just let it happen naturally but she seemed to think differently. She told me she was going to put it in my notes to discuss it with my doctor on Tuesday. She said that it might not be a bad idea because of everything I had been through and all of the anxiety I was experiencing. I still don't know where I stand on it. Part of me wants everything to be as normal as possible but another part of me doesn't care how  or when he gets here, as long as he gets here breathing.

I wish I could put it into words that would help everyone understand the difference between this pregnancy and pregnancies that "other" people have. I know everyone gets anxious and excited to have their baby just be here, I know some women hate being pregnant and can't wait to get it over with. I understand all of that. I don't hate being pregnant. I do hate that my first pregnancy ended with a baby in the ground instead of in my arms. I've tried to make this pregnancy an experience that was as normal and joyous as possible and I think I have succeeded in doing so considering all of the ups and down we have endured so far.

So while I am enjoying Isaac's new martial arts practice and the way he seems to like things his way, I can't wait for the day that I feel the need to protect him outside of my seemingly deadly womb and my lips bleeding from chewing them raw.

I've gotten to this point that I am at right now. Which is 33 weeks and 2 days so why does less than 7 weeks feel like a million years away?

week 31

I made it through week 30. It was the longest week thus far for sure. So many emotions. I must have told Adam that I was sorry approximately 34356 times. "Moody" is quite the understatement.

But, things turned around a bit in week 31. I'm gonna say it...I even had a sense of relief. I actually do feel like Isaac will be coming home with us.

I began to feel a lot less like a foolish idiot when purchasing baby items for him. Excitement set in ten fold and I didn't have to stop and think about if I was going to be sending this stuff away to lost baby land, hopefully never to be seen again.

Adam and I. Well, Adam put together all of the baby furniture and I started washing all of Isaac's clothes and putting them away. I had dreamed of folding baby clothes across an ever growing belly for a long time and actually doing it put my love and excitement for this little boy right over the edge.

In years past, In pre Brody times, I would have been listening to Christmas music at the beginning of November but last year became a dreaded mess. I couldn't find my Christmas spirit, I didn't believe in Santa, every song reminded me of of family minus one, I didn't send Christmas cards because I wanted to put Brody's name on them even if it made people uncomfortable and I just wanted it all to be over with.

So this year, I decided to tread lightly. I didn't want to jump in full force and only be let down again by my lack of Christmas spirit. I waited until the day after Thanksgiving and I decided to slowly and with no sudden movement to press the 3WS button on my car radio. "The Christmas Station".

It felt right! It felt normal....no...it felt good. It was there, my Christmas spirit was there! Is it the raging pregnancy hormones that blinded me of last Christmas and how miserable I was or is it here to stay? I guess we will find out but I'm totally convinced that the way Isaac moves to the joyous sound of Christmas music that he wants to be a Christmas baby! :)

Week 30

oooops.

I'm slacking big time. I guess I got carried away with working on the nursery and washing and putting away all of Isaac's clothes.

Week 30 was a rough one for the obvious reason. I had trouble sleeping, thinking, or even functioning at times.

My mind and my heart were being pulled in so many different directions. I wanted so badly to focus on Brody and the fact that he was gone at 30 weeks but yet the precious life of Isaac was literally poking at me. Once again, I found myself balancing my love for both of my boys. A balancing act that I don't know if I will ever perfect. It gets easier and harder at the same time and I have a feeling that it will change drastically once Isaac arrives.

I did have an appointment at 30 weeks and two days and did I ever need it. I've become increasingly  intrigued by the relationship that I have with the doctor that delivered Brody. It has become so dynamic in the way that allows me to look at him and reminisce about that day and also hear him talk about how he wants to do everything possible to make this delivery opposite. He gives me hope in many many ways. I find myself praying he delivers Isaac too... and then I pray that he doesn't.

My ultrasound was nothing short of amazing. Everything about Isaac is perfection. His heart rate and lung functioning is that of a much older baby, his measurements are right on target, and his fetal movements are well....um....a lot! They told me he was approximately 3 pounds and 7 ounces. Perfect and right where he should be.

Then, the tech surprised me with a 3D ultrasound. I instantly shed tears.

I didn't admit it to Adam but he looks exactly like his Daddy and a little like his brother.

The doctor said when we start the NSTs (non stress tests), he foresees a rather boring process. Which is what we want BUT if there is any fluctuation or anything abnormal going on with Isaac's heart rate, it is straight to labor and delivery for this mama.

He also told me to start counting my fetal movements. I should be able to count 10 in two hours at any given time. I laughed. In my head, I was thinking "I can get 10 in 10 minutes at any given time". A thought that struck me pretty hard on the drive home and at dinner.

Adam and I sat down to eat and there I was crying in public. "happy and sad?", he asked. "Yes".

I knew that if I had counted Brody's movements I wouldn't of had anything close to 10 movements in 2 hours. "How was I supposed to know?" I didn't know, and his weight popped into my head. He weighed a lot less that Isaac and I reminded myself that all babies are different but I secretly started blaming myself for not knowing.

I had come to a peaceful  belief that it was just meant to be but Isaac's normalcy had me convinced that something had been wrong with Brody. I will never know. No one will.

Eeek, sorry for the horrid picture. I can only do so much and my nerves and emotions left me too exhausted to look pretty for pictures. Next week is better, I promise. haha

week 29

Week 29 came and went. These few weeks have been trying. Week 29 was the last week that I got to take a belly picture with Brody.

All week I was pretty emotional and as I sit in week 30, I can still feel the lump in my throat.

I know that it would be pretty rare for the same thing to happen at the very same time but that didn't make the week any easier.

Ironically, as emotional as I was, physically,  I was feeling pretty good. I had started to get pretty uncomfortable the week before but I think my body has adjusted and is ready for the new set of un comforts to ride out the last few months. Which I am okay with.

It seems that my size and shape became so very popular in week 29. I still think these opinions are hilarious even as annoying as they can be at times. I've heard everything from "awe, you are just all belly" to " You are going to be huge". Ah, there is just nothing more self assuring and relaxing when you are an emotional and hormonal mess and THAT is added into the equation.

I can't ever read into why men say these things to pregnant women except for the fact that they are blissfully unaware of what pregnancy will ever really be like but women, now that I just cannot grasp. Is it that they forget what being pregnant was like or they just want to politely pass on the judgment that they received when they were. I guess we will never know.

It really doesn't stop there though. When I tell people that I plan to cloth diaper and breastfeed, I swear I was telling them that I had just seen Bigfoot and had brunch with him or something. "It never worked for so and so", they say or "Well, we will see, you will probably change your mind".

The more negative comments I get, the more it makes me want to do it and succeed overwhelmingly.

Anywho, enough with the ranting and venting and lets get to the belly picture that I actually remembered this week.

Obviously, I was having some abnormal cravings for milk. The one night I had to actually talk myself out of drinking the entire gallon in one sitting.

Stay tuned for next week where I will be talking about an awesome ultrasound and WEEK 30 appointment. :)

week 28 update and shower pictures

The morning of the shower. Ah, where do I start? I woke up and instantly a sadness came over me. It should have been excitement, it should have been happiness but the thought hit me like a ton of bricks... I never got to have Brody's baby shower.

I started to pray. Dear God, please get me through this day. Call me crazy, call me whatever you like but I could hear Brody. I could hear him telling me "Mommy, I didn't need a shower, I have everything I need in Heaven". I get it, it sounds like I should be in the loony bin making comments like this but I heard it, I know I did and I'm not ashamed about it either.

I continued pray and I asked Brody for a sign. I told him..."it doesn't have to be frogs". I knew I was going to get frog gifts so there would be no surprise there.

My sadness was gone and it quickly turned to anxiety...more anxiety.

I had been anxious all week. I had so many things running through my mind and I couldn't organize my thoughts, that would probably be the reason I totally forgot to take a 28 week belly picture....oooops! Oh well, hopefully some shower pictures make up for it.

So this week's drawing sums it up pretty well. Bump.com said Isaac was about the size of an eggplant.

The shower turned out beautiful, I was feeling so blessed with all the family and friends who came out to celebrate Isaac with us.

I did end up getting my sign too, of course.

If you scroll up to the picture of the cookies and look at the cookie that is a onesie and turn your head upside down, you might see it...

My friend April, one of the people who made the day so special and amazing walked up to me and said " Hey, if you turn this onesie upside down, it really looks like a frog". I just laughed because I knew it had been my sign and Brody liked giving me frogs in places that I least expect them...

I never imagined

 I can't help it tonight. I don't know if its the cold weather that takes me back to the raw grief or just the fact that I look in the mirror and I can't help but stare. My belly is almost exactly the size it was the last time Brody was inside.

I miss him so much and it hurts like Hell tonight. I never imagined what it would be like to love so deeply for two babies. It sometimes feels like I'm being torn in two. Physically, as I sit here and tears run down my face and I start to feel my heart racing and it becomes difficult to  breathe. My belly shakes and I stop. I have to tell myself that crying this hard cannot be good for the baby who I am carrying right now but the baby I carried before him pulls at my heart strings.

Part of me dreads the day we take Isaac to his brother's grave and another part of me can't wait till I can tell him all about Brody.

I try to imagine our first family vacation on the white sandy beaches of Siesta Key. I feel Brody so much when I'm there. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings I will have with Isaac beside me and Brody all around us.

I never imagined I would have to imagine these scenarios.

And then...I get this scary reminder tapping me on my shoulder reminding me that Isaac isn't here just yet and I should be jumping the gun on imagining these things so soon.

I knew when Brody died that this wasn't going to be easy and I knew when we got pregnant again that it would be difficult but I never imagined all of this...

Week 27

Week 27 was looking so promising. I crocheted some new hats for the upcoming craft show that my friends and I are doing on the 10th and I even took the dogs out for a fall photo shoot.

Maggie

Cloie

Our huge pumpkin

I actually took a lot more pictures but I will spare you, but for a moment as I was trying to get Cloie and Maggie's attention while snapping their pictures, I imagined that someday soon I will be snapping pictures of Isaac and that made me smile.

I should have known that on days that I feel like I have some extra energy, I still need to tell myself to take it easy.

The very next day, we were sitting at dinner and I started having some pain. Different pain but there was something familiar about it and it scared me. When we left the restaurant, I realized the pain was coming and going in waves. It started in my belly and then went into my lower back. Crap!, this was looking scary to me, these were like a calmed down version of the pain I had when I had my abruption. I then reached for my phone to time the pains and realized, Crap! Im having contractions.

I called my doctor and of course was advised to come into the hospital. When we got there, I was scared and I guess I must wear my fear on my face. The receptionist told me that I looked terrified. I don't know if it was the hormones or the familiarity of it but I started to cry.

She asked if this was my first pregnancy, I told her no and followed up with my usual "I delivered my son stillborn last year" routine.

She stopped typing and reached for her name tag and showed me her name, She told me that she was named after her aunt who had been stillborn. I almost said "That is so cool" and then after thinking about it, came to the conclusion that "cool" was the wrong word choice. I said "That is very special".

She told me that it wasn't going to be the same this time and they took me back right away.

A nurse came in and hooked me up to the monitor and asked a few questions and told me that my other nurse would be in soon.

After hearing his heartbeat, I felt a little relieved and I laid back and waited for my nurse.

I didn't wait long and before I knew it I was staring at a cute little short girl in FROG scrubs. I couldn't make this stuff up, seriously...I should write a book.  I looked at Adam and we both started smiling and shaking our heads. I totally wanted to ask her if I could take her picture but Adam said it would be really weird of me, so I resisted the urge and instead just asked her if she liked frogs and told her all about Brody.

So after all that "cool" stuff and a few "not so cool" tests, it turns out that I was just having some Braxton Hicks contractions. I was sent home to relax and drink lots of water.

Week 27 belly picture and we got to take it outside because it was 80 degrees in western pa in October.

This is the week 27 drawing. I REALLY wanted vanilla lattes but I was instead chugging water like it was my job.

As I sit and type this, I am already in week 28. THIRD TRIMESTER! I'm anxious about the next few weeks for so many reasons. One, my shower is this weekend. I decided to have it early to avoid having it in the middle of the holidays and maybe deep down I just wanted to make it to the shower before I reach the dreaded 30 weeks, and 1 day. Two, I'm approaching the dreaded 30 weeks and 1 day. The closer I get, the more nervous I become about laying my head down to sleep. Part of me knows that the chances of my placenta abrupting at exactly 30 weeks again are slim to none but another part of me just wishes I could skip right over these next weeks and have my baby in my arms.

Everyone keeps saying that in the womb is the safest place for him but for me, it feels like he is being held hostage in there and my placenta is a ticking time bomb.

I can do this. Deep breaths.

Week 26

Okay, So... I feel like I have so much to write about but some will have to wait for the 27 week update but I can talk about my doctor's appointment at 26 weeks!

It started out with some routine test like the ever so popular glucose screening. I actually didn't think the lime drink was as bad as the girl next to me did so that was a plus. I also had a little blood work then went up for my ultrasound.

Isaac was measuring perfect at exactly 26 weeks and was approximately weighing in at a hearty 2 pounds, 2 ounces.

Now, the actual appointment was a little intimidating. I guess I just wasn't expecting it because everyone had been so calm and reassuring about this pregnancy up until now but I noticed things changing at this appointment. Unfortunately, it didn't take me long to figure out why. At my prior appointments and ER visits, they were worried about me because frankly up until a few weeks ago, there wouldn't have been a whole lot they could do to save Isaac's life if something had went wrong.

I had two people in the room with me asking a whole ton of questions about how I was feeling and Isaac's behavior. It actually what I had been waiting for this whole time. I wanted, or needed rather this "royal treatment" because Um, my baby died last time...REMEMBER?!

Things are really starting to get serious and quite intense actually. I will be getting a growth ultrasound every four weeks to measure all his parts and check on my placenta, I will be seeing the doctor every 2 weeks, and twice a week I will be going in to get a non stress test. To sum it up, the non stress test is to monitor Isaac's heartbeat in a certain amount of time to make sure it isn't going too far up or too far down.

We talked a little bit about my contractions and I was told to hydrate, hydrate, and hydrate to try to keep them at bay. And to rest of course. P.s. my contractions take a unexpected turn in week 27, but I will get there when I get there.

As of now, if things are still going good, the plan is to induce at 38 weeks, however, I think we are all in agreement that my anxious baby, anxious uterus, and anxious self think that he will be here sooner than later. She told me at 34 weeks, we can all take a sigh of relief because if I go into labor at that point, they will most likely just deliver instead of putting it off.

So with all that being said, I was feeling extremely tired in week 26 and I tried to relax as much as possible. Hence, this week's drawing of me falling asleep during my favorite activities...crochet!

Isaac was about the size of a head of lettuce but I'm telling you, this boy can pack a punch. Everyday, I am in shock about his movements. I love them because it lets me know that he is okay but at the same time it is really starting to make me think about the lack of moving that Brody did. And that of course, gets the wheels turning in my already over thinking and otherwise obsessive mind.

Yay, I love belly pictures where I can muster up enough energy to shower and put on make up. They make pregnancy look so much cuter on me that any other given day of the week.

I will be trying to get week 27 in soon. I have some nice fall pictures to include along with the (oh, is it 7th or 8th) trip to the ER. Everything is fine obviously, but it was the most "exciting" trip thus far.

Week 25

Hi All! I apologize ahead of time for the short post. It turns out sitting at my computer really hurts. Which is really sad for me because I love to research, pin house and baby ideas, blog, and of course...Facebook! I'm just beginning to feel so unsupported in the belly area while sitting here and then I start to cramp up.

Annnyway. This kid seriously cracks me up. I'm convinced he is having his own party in there. He goes for days straight and then seems to pass out due to exhaustion for a few days. Needless to say, I'm either feeling like I'm getting the crap beaten out of me or I'm frantically searching for a heartbeat with the Doppler.

I really, really want to tell you guys about my recent appointment but it will have to wait for the week 26 update because someone (*cough, me) likes to procrastinate on blog posts.

Week 26's belly pic really displays my husbands silly attempt at taking photos. He really likes to try to get me in between pictures making a weird face, telling him how to take the picture, or just trying to take me off guard.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here. I might be looking down to observe Isaac's kicking skills or checking to see if my shirt is completely covering the belly. Either way, I thought it was funny.

And the weekly drawing...

Isaac was said to be the weight of a rutabaga and as you can see, I'm in shock that he is moving this month and is THIS strong at 25 weeks.

I'm so excited to share week 26 with you about the appointments so stay tuned...

A day of Hope. October 15th 2012

October 15th 2010. I had no idea. No clue what "1 in 4" meant. Oblivious to the fact that all over the world people were lighting candles to remember the lost.

 

"The lost"

 

Not so lost at all. I know where Brody went, I know where all babies go who die. Heaven. Now, I know!

 

If they were miscarried at 6 weeks or 12, if they were stillborn at 23 or 30 weeks and 1 day, if they lived only 3 short hours or 16 days, they would all be remembered every day to their parents, but all over the world to many on October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day.

 

I received an email the other day from a woman who said I had given her hope to have another baby after her daughter had been stillborn at 41 weeks. She is pregnant now. Her daughter will never be forgotten. Not on October 15th and not on any day before or after...Ever.

 

I got another email from a woman who lost 8 babies. She recently adopted her precious little daughter and now has hope.

 

Isn't that what we are all looking for?

 

A little bit of hope. Somewhere. Anywhere?

 

Hope can be found in the early stages of grief in the strangest places. The bottom of a wine bottle? Your exterminator's soothing voice when he tells you that your baby is with Jesus. And you believe him. In staying up way past your bed time desperately searching for someone whose story looks if only a little like yours because you just simply cannot be the only person to ever suffer this horrible tragedy. You cannot be the only one feeling this dark and this scary while you watch your tears gather on your t shirt... right?

 

Later, hope may take the form of writing your baby's name in the sand or a rainbow on Christmas day. Hope is not letting go, hope is hanging on. Hanging on to the memory of your baby.

 

Hope then some day may mean helping others, sharing your story in hopes that it will let others know that they are NEVER alone in this. Hope can be watching 21 balloons disappear into the heavens, 61 shells released in the names of angels, and 24 candles lit on a crisp fall evening and stories of each being shared out loud as well as their names.

 

A friend of mine and a fellow BLM (baby loss mommy) and I got together tonight to remember over 30 babies gone too soon. We lit the candles and talked about them all. We let them burn and said each of their names out loud as we blew out the candles one by one.

 

And of course, we took pictures.

The big candle shown below was lit to remember all babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

 

This year, I noticed more "1 in 4" stickers on Facebook, I noticed more candles lit for the wave of light, I noticed more initials and names with hearts. October 15th is about breaking the silence of Pregnancy and Infant loss.

 October 15th is now a day I know. I live it. I breath it. I am 1 in 4.

my reoccurring nightmare

Have you ever had those reoccurring nightmares or dreams that sneak up on you when you're least expecting them? I used to have one where I was continuously late for my  high school English class. This was years after I had graduated and I always woke up in a sweat. Then I used to have one where I would accidentally drive off of a cliff. I used to be able to feel my ears popping on the way down. Eeee, so creepy.

I couldn't sleep last night. Just as I got all 7 pillows where they need to be and got my pregnant belly situated perfectly where it needs to be to rest, my head hit my pillow and like clockwork the image of me holding my lifeless baby popped into my brain. The look on the doctor's face when I delivered the placenta and he said it was one of the worst he had ever seen. The tears dripping even pouring from every one's eyes except mine, the love that was visibly seen when everyone took their turn holding Brody mixed with the utter agony of loss. I remember being such an overprotective mom telling Adam to sit while he held him in fear that he might drop him. I remember kissing his little forehead only to be surprised that he wasn't cold.

I had feelings that I'm pretty sure one should never have. Instead of wanting to hold my son for hours on end, I wanted him to be taken away before he turned completely purple.

At the time, nothing seemed too sad, it was more of a matter of fact gloom. I was presented with things that were just done. "Did you have a name picked?" "Yes, Brody Michael", The name of the funeral home popped into my head, where he would be buried occurred like I had been thinking about it for 71/2 months, everything was oddly easy then.

But NOW, now that the shock has been washed away and I see through clear eyes, it all is so incredibly sad. Actually, I can't think of a whole lot that is more sad than being asked by a nurse if you want your baby to have an autopsy. I looked at Adam and she told me that if one was done, he would have to be cremated. "NO", I said "NO AUTOPSY THEN". Nothing sadder than being moved out of the ICU and into a suite that would normally house a mommy and an alive baby. I asked to be put where there were no babies in sight or sound. Sad doesn't even describe driving home and glancing back into your empty back seat, no carseat, no baby. Nothing more cruel than your body just assuming that your baby lived and preparing itself to feed and nurture him when in fact, your putting on your black maternity clothes and wrapping your breasts tightly to attend his burial.

I know that I blogged last night that happy posts were my favorite and it is true. Brody makes me happy, he makes me proud, he makes me who I am today so even though its the saddest thing I can think of, the memory of those days takes me closer to him.

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I'm not remembering those days to torture myself or to make you all sad but I am remembering my son to honor him and to break the silence.

If you want to help in the efforts to break the silence and you have been through loss, I would love to hear from you. If you feel like no one wants to hear your story, I do. I know all too well that as sad as it is to hear that someone else went through the heartache, in some ways its healing to know that you are not alone.

Just a reminder, a fellow baby loss friend and myself will be holding a candle lighting ceremony on the 15th for babies gone too soon. You can add your angel here, email me at tiagiardino@yahoo.com or you can find me on Facebook and message me on there. All of that info is under contact info on the main page.

Forever and always, my sweet boy.

week 24 update

 

Hello Everyone, here is week 23 drawing as promised. It was one of those weight compared ones so that's what the mango is all about. I of course was focused on food. I have developed quite the obsession for cinnamon life cereal.

 

Week 24 was good and boring, just how I like it. I was trying to relax and "take it easy" as much as possible. Which is really starting to get boring but I know...totally worth it!

 

There is actually a whole crap load of stuff going on in my life right now that I could totally just sit and complain about but I hate when people complain so I will spare you all and just say that I feel completely and utterly blessed with everything that is going the right way and that I am, count em. 2 weeks away from my third trimester!

 

I keep reminding myself what Brody has taught me and that is that no matter what goes "wrong" in your life, like all the small stuff like house projects gone wrong and etc etc, you have to focus on what is right, focus on what you are blessed with and most importantly focus on God.

 

Anyway, back to week 24. Here is the drawing:

 Isaac was the length of an ear of corn and was probably weighing in over one pound! He is such a big boy now and um....Strong! I cannot begin to tell you how much this child moves. He is so busy just like his Dad. Adam said to me the other day "I think Brody would have been our calm one". Brody was always so peaceful and calm, Isaac, on the other hand, um, a bit like our little hurricane ;)
 I've been sharing stories with him about his brother almost every night, I think he really enjoys it, although he probably knows more about Brody than I do.

Week 24 belly pic: I was actually dressed up and heading out to dinner with some friends for my birthday.

I like not having to type about hospital trips and being scared. Happy posts are my favorite!

 

23 week update and more

Week 23 belly pic. I don't have the 23 week drawing....Sorry! I will post it when Regan gets back from vacation though, maybe with week 24 update or sooner.

I have already shared most of what week 23 looked like. It started out pretty normal and boring but the day this picture was taken was the day we took are 6th trip to the ER. I'm convinced there is something behind all of these trips. Like it is some sort of lesson or a possible test of my patience. Or maybe it is just my mind's way of saying "a perfect pregnancy doesn't always end perfectly so perhaps one that isn't perfect at all will end blissfully" By blissfully, I mean with a breathing screaming baby to bring home.

Isaac is incredibly active and Adam and I had a conversation about it. Neither of us remember Brody being as active. He never wanted to share his kicks with Daddy. I think Adam only felt him kick one time. I remember clearly watching the belly of a pregnant friend with disbelief about the way her baby was hopping around and Brody was so still. Is it significant? I don't know and I'm not dwelling on it. I just know that his brother Isaac is a mover and shaker and perhaps that's just how all babies are.

Moving ahead a bit, today I am almost 25 weeks along and it is my 30th birthday. Last year, on my birthday I was on laying on the beaches of Siesta Key, Florida totally caught up in the fact that I felt like I could reach out my hand and almost touch Heaven.

This year, I feel like Heaven is closer to me. I have felt Brody so close to me. Last night while I was laying in bed watching Isaac flip and flop, I could feel Brody smile and feel his happiness all around us. I told Isaac that he was soooo lucky to have Brody as a brother and as his own personal angel and that he would watch over him for a very long time.

Some days, I cannot believe how special Brody is and how many lives he has impacted, changed, and blessed. My sweet boy.

 

 

still taking it easy

Hi There again everyone. I want to keep everyone updated on what is going on with Isaac and I. We had an appointment today and as it turns out, I have an "anxious uterus". So I am not the only one anxious to have this little one in my arms, my uterus feels the same way. I am having little contractions. Nothing to warrant a hospital stay as of now I am under instructions to take it easy. Just as I had expected and just as Isaac was trying to tell me....Slow down!

We went over of course everything that would happen if I would go into preterm labor. Isaac is able to survive outside of the womb now however we would like to put that off as long as we can so while I take it easy, I will be watching for signs of contractions that are all over instead of "patchy". These are all words he used, I'm not making them up. haha. If I do happen to go into labor, I need to get there asap so they can stop contractions and start steroids to get Isaac strong enough to live outside unless by that time he big and strong enough to do it on his own. Lets hope for that latter version of the story.

I had a bit of a breakdown in the room for a few reasons. The doctor was "the doctor", the one who delivered Brody. He was super nice this time and I fell back in love with him, buutttttt....Seeing his face always yields tears. Secondly, the ultrasound tech was not there to do the ultrasound so I didn't get to actually see my sweet little guy today, so I have to wait till the 17th. Thirdly, the doctor ever so nicely reminded me that even though we will be doing an ultrasound, it is unlikely that if an abruption is in the future, we would see it on ultrasound. He reminded me how rare my abruption was and that it is very unlikely to happen again. They can only check for abruptions that have already happened by looking for blood clots, and of course by then, I would already be in pain and in the ER with blood. As you can imagine, that didn't put my mind at ease at all and I just broke down. I wanted him to wave a magic wand over me and tell me everything would be okay...no such luck.

So there is the update in a nutshell. The short and not so sweet version. So, it looks like I better start loving the way my husband mixes whites and jeans...

Time to slow it down

Hi Everyone. I am gonna try to make this post short and sweet. Eh, maybe not so sweet. I am behind on updates (as usual) but as of today, I am 24 weeks. I will get week 23 posted with pics as soon as possible but for now it has been a sit and relax situation for this momma.

Adam and I made another ER trip on Saturday. They suspected another UTI and had me hooked up to the monitors and checked my cervix for dilation (sorry, TMI) Everything looked good and I was sent home with more antibiotics.

That evening, the next day and today has sort of been down hill. I started noticing that everything that I tried to do as far as house work or moving in general brought on some cramping sooooo... I called my Doctor today and we are heading down to the hospital again tomorrow.

Before everyone starts worrying (believe me, I'm doing enough of that for everyone), Isaac's heart rate is perfect and his movement is crazy as usual. Actually, I laugh because he seems to "just know" when mommy NEEDS to feel him kick for peace of mind.

I am foreseeing an ultrasound for tomorrow, which was originally scheduled for October 17th to make sure my darn placenta is doing its job this time and to make sure there are no clots forming.

I feel like I know what is coming but I will wait until my appointment to let everyone know for sure what the plans are from here on out.

Needless to say, the monitor, the exam, and the whole situation on Saturday had me a little freaked out and I suddenly came to the realization that I had maybe taken on too much for this pregnancy.

I had started on a new adventure with selling Tupperware, which actually has been pretty awesome. It helped us really get some house projects underway and some things that Isaac needed too for his big arrival. Not to mention, I was having  a lot of fun doing it. Then....it started to get a little cooler, and everyone and their mother decided they needed a hat. Which had me feeling great since I love to crochet and it was really cool to see B Bands take off for another season.

With that all said, I was becoming increasingly busy and lost focus about something that should have been right in front of me. I seemed to forget that I am a high risk pregnancy and my health and Isaac's health was and is the most important thing right now.

So, I decided to slow it down. I am sure the doctor will decide how slow I really need to be but for now, I am putting up my feet and relaxing as much as possible and trying not to fret about my husband's laundry routine because in the scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if whites get mixed with darks...right? Right?

I promise to keep everyone updated as much as possible but for now, its back to bed for me and my jumping bean.

Week 22 update

Ah, week 22. Full of surprises. Little subtle surprises. Nothing that yielded a trip to the ER or anything like that just your normal "change of weather allergies and cold".

I was happy to have the change in weather. The 60s 70 degree works for me except for the lack of clothing that fits my pregnant belly part. I should have been pregnant last year at this time too but I wasn't. Instead I was grieving my son. I should have had my shower on September 10th last year but instead friends and family had to be called to tell them there would be no shower because there would be no baby. Thankfully, I had a generous friend do those "honors". I'm sure there weren't many to call anyhow because in this town, word spreads very fast.

Nope, this time last year I was probably starting to prepare myself for my first trip on a plane to Siesta Key, where I would really cover myself in my grief and somehow find some peacefulness in the death of my son.

This year is way different. Week 22 consisted of lots of nice movement. I'm actually getting concerned about my child's obsessive behavior with my bladder. He is really partying it up in there.

I did catch a cold or found a new allergy to saw dust. Whichever it was, it had me sneezing constantly and weak bladder + sneezing= Well, Do I really have to explain it?

The doctor suggested another ultrasound at 26 weeks to make sure that my placenta is doing it's job this time and that there are no signs of clots or abruptions. I will probably start to have more ultrasounds as we start to get closer and closer to the due date.

Speaking of which, I was looking at a trimester calender the other night and I realized, as of right now ( almost 24 weeks...6months) I am almost through my second trimester. And as my eyes glared at the THIRD trimester, my tummy felt a bit sick. THE third trimester. It is kinda scary to me. The trimester when Brody's heart stopped beating. What if my womb just isn't safe in the third trimester? I wish I could just rid myself of all the worries but it is impossible at this point. They come on by themselves and I'm unable to make them disappear. I will spare you all of the horror that I imagine in my mind's eye.

Dear God, please let Isaac come home with us.

Week 21

Once again, I am behind on updates. I was going to combine week 21 and week 22 but I haven't got in my belly pic for week 22 yet so I will have to get that posted either tonight or tomorrow.

Week 21 was good. I was having a ton of heartburn, even more than the week before.

I thought I had avoided all of the remarks about size pretty well up until now but they have officially started. So big, so tiny, so this, so that. Everyone always has a different opinion which is really fun to compare. Everyone sees things so differently and they always say "Every pregnancy is different", however, the majority of previously pregnant women think that your pregnancy should be or will be exactly like theirs. It makes me laugh.

All this heartburn should yield a head full of hair, right? Wrong, I've talked to women who suffered with horrible heartburn and baby was totally bald. Everyone was pretty convinced that with my outrageous and sometimes irrational craving for many different foods, that I was surely having a girl.

It is all good though, I usually just let them say what they have to but what really does make me a little upset is they way people talk about my pregnancy like it is my first. Like I have something to learn or how bad the birthing process is. Once again, people just seem to forget that I was almost 8 months along and delivered Brody. The only difference between my pregnancy and the "experts" is that their babies lived. I'm certainly not the kind of person who is going to remind them but I do give subtle remarks as to the fact that I did experience this all before and I did still give birth.

I guess these remarks never really stop. Everyone wants to make sure that you know they know more than you. With all the "just wait" comments that I get, sometimes I just want to say " I can't wait!". I know we will be sacrificing sleep, adult communication, and much more but that is percicley why we tried to have Brody and why we decided to have Isaac too. That is the life we want and desire and cannot wait to be living it.

Oh anyway, I could go on and on but who wants to see belly pics and drawings?

The drawing from week 21 was soooo funny. Isaac was the length of a carrot and I felt like I was literally breathing fire at some points, which I know will all totally be worth it. :)

October 15th

Hi folks. I have been so busy and lost track of time. October 15th is coming up on us fast. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Last year we did a small balloon release and a bigger one on Brody's due date. October 29th.

This year, I would want to switch that around a bit and do the bigger event on October 15th.

I was waiting for an idea just to hit me and it was taking longer than I had expected but today, there it was, light a light bulb. A candle lighting ceremony.

I had just come across tons of tea lights in my basement and wondered what I was going to do with them. I have decided to light a candle and place it on an index card with the baby's name on it. Like all my events, I will include miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

I'm sorry for the short notice, but please do not hesitate to contact me.

tiagiardino@yahoo.com

As always, I will be taking pictures and have a special post for the ceremony. Thanks everyone.

I'm awake!

"I'm awake, I'm awake", I told the sadness tonight as I lay there trying to sleep and it was poking at me with it's annoying finger. It wants me to be sad tonight. It wants me to relive the details, even ones that I never remembered before.

Arriving at the first hospital and "settled" into the labor and delivery suite, upon hearing that there had been no heartbeat but mine, I walked slowly into the bathroom without a single thought of the death that I was carrying inside of me. What once had been life was now gone.

The sadness of that brings me to tears tonight. I didn't actually realize I was crying until I was wiping the tears from my face. I was so far off into that day, so deeply embedded into those hours that the present didn't even exist.

I admitted to a friend just recently.Something that I told myself I would never share because of the shame in it. One of my first thoughts after the Doctor swore and said "there is no heartbeat". I thought, I just want to go home and have a glass of wine, if I can just relax, everything will be okay. I wasn't heartless, I wasn't so cruel...I was obliviously in shock. I was so unaware, ignorant to the fact that this kind of thing happened and that it had happened to me.

I remember my mother telling me "This will be the worst thing that ever happens to you". I remember feeling disbelief about her words. I hadn't even imagined in that moment that it would be exactly what she said it would be. The worst thing that ever happened to me.

I watched my husband cry and pace the floor, I watched my mother frantically make phone calls and ask for the chapel. I watched the nurse take my hand and hold it firmly within hers as tears filled her eyes but tried very hard not to sob. I'm pretty sure I even flew out of my own body and watched myself lay there totally oblivious to the horror that I was about to come face to face with.

Last night, I lay in bed and watched Isaac kick and squirm. It was the first time that I have seen it from the outside. Tears of joy filled my eyes and thanked God for him.

Tonight, I lay and think of Brody. His kicks and squirms are distant memories. Tears of sadness fill my eyes. And I thank God for him.

Half way there. 20 weeks

I'm trying really hard to keep up with updates, other feelings, and pictures. I'm a very busy girl these days and that is okay by me. I can tell winter is coming up fast because B Bands is back in full force.

Besides that, can you believe I'm 20 weeks? Half way there, so to speak. Although, at this point, I'm still not sure when the doctors will decide when to induce. I'm actually not really sure if they plan on doing so for my physical well being or my psychological well being. Either way, as long as the well being of Isaac is fabulous, I have no problem with them doing what they have to do.

Week 20 was good. I was TIRED and no kidding, these days water is giving me heartburn. I feel like a fire breathing dragon that just chugged red hot for breakfast. I know that my heartburn with Brody was bad too but holy cannoli, Isaac. What are you doing in there?

So, week 20 drawing is me off in dream land with a smile on my face dreaming either of my future with Isaac in my arms, nursing at 2am or of my sweet Brody sitting on the lap of Jesus doing lots of cool things in Heaven. Tums within arms reach of course.

Week 20 marks the week that measurements change from head to toe instead of head to rump, so he was the length of a banana.

Adam and I have an everyday little joke about his cute profile and how we each think it is our own. We are falling in love. Literally tripping over ourselves, falling in love. Scared? Yes! but has the love outweighed the fear in many ways? most definitely.

I have promised a good comparison picture for a long time so here we go. I remember distinctly taking a picture at 21 weeks with Brody and posting to Facebook, so last week I put on the same outfit and took our weekly belly pic.

This is the picture with Brody at almost 21 weeks. Sorry, it is pretty blurry.

Same outfit and less makeup. Isaac at 20 weeks. Looks about the same to me as far as bump size goes. What do you think?

Till next week!

19 weeks and I'm THAT girl

Every week that I sit down and write about Isaac, I become more and more amazed that I'm that far along already. It seems like only yesterday, I was peeing on the stick and full of mixed emotions about a totally planned pregnancy.

Week 19 was pretty boring, the way I like it. I'm sure to the outside world I looked just like another happy pregnant girl...and I was. Almost. But I'm also THAT girl. The one who lost her first baby. The one who buried her baby boy.

I can register at Target with my husband and feel almost normal and look it too. Just like it was the very first time we did it. But its not. I can go shopping for an outfit to bring baby home in and that looks normal too. But I've done it before and he never came home.

That is who I will always be. It defines me. I know that your thinking that is probably not healthy and that I should find something else to define me but let me say in the nicest possible way...Try burying you child and just see if it doesn't define you too. That's not a threat and its not what I wish for anyone. It is just the truth. Its not always a bad way to define myself.

Isaac was very active in week 19. He seems to be playing some sort of game in there. Possibly twister or his own little memory game. You know that little game we all had that had 4 lights on it. Green, yellow, blue and red and it would give you a pattern to remember. Red, red, green, yellow, red, blue? and you hit the buttons in that order...You win! Remember? I'm pretty sure Isaac's game goes like this:

Left ovary, right ovary, bladder, bladder, bladder.

I've been craving salad like its going out of style. It has become a pretty particular craving. Lettuce, pecans,cranberries, any kind of fruit and a raspberry vinaigrette. YUM!

Baby is the size of an heirloom tomato.

19 week picture. In black and white because I didn't feel like showering,doing makeup or hair, or wearing anything cute. Don't Judge. I'm growing a baby and its hard work! :)

18 week update

We are moving right along, it seems. I'm 19 weeks as I type this. Almost half way and I just simply cannot believe we have got so far so fast. I feel like we just found out yesterday.

The 18th week started out a little shaky as I was preparing to celebrate Brody's birthday in heaven. Is celebrate the right word here? Probably not.

August 21st has shook me to the very core. It was so many things to me. It was the day he was born, it was the day he died. It was the day the old me left, just walked right out the door, never to be seen again. I in that sense, died with him that day.

But it was more. It was the day I started actually really living, the day the clouds opened up and I knew God was watching and I saw him, I felt him...all around me. It was the day joy started being joyous and sadness started being devastating. It was the day I became the me I am now.

Just as I had suspected, August 21st came and it was not nearly as dreadful as I thought it was going to be. Adam took the day off of work and we talked about our son.

As you all know, it was also the day we found out about our little Isaac.

Week 18 turned into the best week thus far. Full of smiles and congratulations, full of honoring and remembering. Full of total and complete joy and excitement for Brody's little brother.

Regan's drawing for this week is me holding one blue balloon representing Isaac and one Happy Birthday balloon for Brody. Isaac was the size of a bell pepper, from crown to rump. And that is a genuine smile on my face.

Isaac in some ways seems to take after his brother, hating seat belts and anything near "his space". Just like Brody, always kicking when mommy lays down to nap or sleep. It is what puts me to sleep, so calming for me. In other ways, he is opposite and his own person. I love them both so much!

Sorry about the bottom of this picture, I'm not sure what is going on.

Are my days of sobbing and crying over? I'm guessing not but I do know that after August 21st came to an end, I woke up full of life. Literally. The life inside and the life I lost. My heart is full of life and love for both of my boys.

My two boys

Brody and Isaac. Isaac and Brody. I'm sure the rest of life will consist of me loving them both the same but  loving them both very differently. Not one more, not one less...just differently.

I have read several baby loss blogs, I've talked to many women who have lost at different stages. Some that I have emailed in the middle of the night searching for hope and some emailing me to tell me about the hope that I have given them. It's like a family. It's like a sisterhood.

So when I started reading about other other moms who have lost and then went on to get pregnant like myself, I read a lot about others asking them if this was their first child. I never really thought twice about that question and how loaded it was. And I especially never thought that anyone would ask me THAT question. How silly of me. Did I forget how many times I was asked when I was pregnant with Brody? And always answered with a smiling "Yes".

It's practically inevitable. There is probably a secret procedure for nosey strangers. "oh, how far along are you?"   

You answer

"Awe, is this your first?"

You answer, and it goes one of two ways

a) They change the subject or try to cover it up with something like "well, at least you will have this precious baby in your arms"
or
b) They are sympathetic, they say they are sorry to hear and they wish you the best with this pregnancy.

"my two boys", I said in my head last night when I was asked THE question, or maybe I said it out loud. I can't recall at this moment.

I always get this voice in my head. The voice I used a year ago to promise myself to NEVER let his memory die or deny him and to ALWAYS speak his name. "Tell them about him", it says.

This is how I will parent my two boys. Very differently but with so much love.

It's a ...

I'm sorry it took so long to get this posted but here it is...

As planned, Adam and I drove down to our hospital early morning on Brody's birthday. I prayed myself to sleep the night before. I prayed for a good day, I didn't expect a great a one, I just wanted it to be peaceful.

I woke with peace and joy, hand in hand and I said "thank you"

Upon arrival, we waited a long time for the ultrasound. The hospital was especially busy that day and the thought that I was there one year before fighting for my life as I watched my son's life slip away had not occurred to me.

I didn't forget, I just was at peace.

As we watched our baby stretch and bounce around on the screen, my first question was about the heart. "are there any heart defects", I asked. "No, the four chambers are pumping great and are all in place". I felt relieved. Everything was looking perfect and in my head I compared it to Brody's anatomy ultrasound which was much shorter and less thorough.

We looked away as she determined the gender and wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in the envelope that we gave her.

I went the entire day with that envelope in my purse. I usually hate surprises but the anticipation made my heart feel good that day. Adam and I had lunch and talked about Brody and guessed if he would be getting a brother or sister.

We then took the envelope to a gift store where a friend of mine took care of the rest for us. She filled the box that we provided with pink or blue balloons and one special "Happy Birthday" balloon for Brody.

Our family and friends started arriving and I was getting excited. We opened up and out flew blue balloons. Brody's balloon stayed in till last and floated away slowly.

I'm not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat when I saw blue. I needed a minute to let it soak in but everyone was around so I smiled. And, just look at my husband's face. He was glowing with pride.

I knew Adam saw my confusion. I didn't know what to think. So, he did what he does best and tried to make me laugh...

I then announced that his name would be Isaac Michael.

 

After our company left and I had time to reflect, my reflection turned into pure exhaustion as our day was so busy as was my mind. I drifted off to sleep...

 

And I woke up in LOVE!

 

I went to sleep confused as to how I could love both of my boys, how could I share the love I have for Brody with Isaac. Well, somewhere in dreamland, I figured it out and my hesitation about getting close to Isaac flew right out my bedroom window.

 

I was also surprised to wake to news about a hurricane heading towards Florida. Southern Florida, where we had conceived...its name was Isaac! I said a prayer that everyone would be safe and unharmed and then I smiled.