Saturday, September 21, 2013

Borderline insane

I don't have time to blog. I don't have time to eat sometimes. 
I haven't wore makeup in so long, the junk sitting on my vanity is probably expired not to mention the fact that my eyeliner doesn't go on quite as stemless and perfect as it used to. 
Last week my anxiety took on a life of its own when my baby became ill for the very first time. 
My legs aren't shaved, my hair has been in a bun so long it hurts, and my wardrobe consists of yoga pants and a v neck shirt for easy nursing access. Some days Isaac stays in his night time white onsie all day with sweet potato stains. 

My laundry sits in a basket till it gets put on, my dishes get done when we run out of forks or when my husband ever so bravely does them. He also makes dinner most of the time if I didn't have a second to throw something in the crock pot while I was chugging coffee and switching the baby from one hip to another. 
I don't have time to take the 8 month picture. I don't have time to blog. I love my baby. I let him nap in my arms. I cry because I can't put him down but the next second I refuse to. 
Life is crazy. It's borderline insane. 
I am a mommy. 

Life is exactly what I've always dreamed it to be. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

My rainbow

I haven't got to posting a 7 month update yet but I have discovered the blogger app on my phone. Woohoo. Which means I can get a post in during bad morning nap time. Aka baby is in my arms after an early morning bellyache and blowout and I'm blogging away with my thumb. :). 

Whatever works. 
I can't believe my sweet rainbow baby is THIS big. He is such a little man. I often look at him and already see a toddler forming. 
It used to be somewhat annoying hearing "enjoy it, it goes so fast" but, oh my's true! 
August came and went. It was very crappy. Different but crappy. It made me miss the days I had the time to drown myself in my own tears and lay down with grief and snuggle up. 
I was snuggling up with something and someone different this time. It felt good but it pierced my heart in a way that made me feel like I was betraying my grief. I had an ongoing relationship going with it. I still do. But it's long distant now. We aren't face to face. We don't snuggle up. We don't embrace. We are distant but I still know its there waiting. 
I have moments. I hear a song. I have days that the sun shines and I miss the freedom of only having the grief to cuddle. Brody felt close. Heaven felt close. 

But... I think it goes without saying. I live for this face...this smile. I go on because of him. I wake every morning for him. My little rainbow. He truly does make the sun shine brighter.