Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The first month

The first month was everything I had expected it to be and a lot more. There were only a few times where I thought I might pull my hair out and a ton of moments where I thought I had truly been dreaming.

Could it really be that this precious on earth angel was mine? Sure, I had carried him for almost 10 months but part of me never expected him to actually come home with us. Eeee, I know, I hate even admitting that.

There were plans that I had and had to change but that is what parenting is all about. Right....RIGHT?

Nursing was a breeze. What a relief. All my insane research paid off. He literally came out an expert breastfeeder. Is that a word? I was so proud of him and myself too. We had a bit of hump during the third week when I realized I wasn't making enough milk and my lil guy was hungry. I was in tears along with him. I refused to supplement so I did something almost as bad...listened to my mother. haha, just kidding. She suggested having a beer so that is exactly what I did in pure desperation to feed my child. It worked and now we are making enough milk for a football team. Hmmm, maybe that's not the best way to put it.


My no bink policy got thrown to the waist side about 2 weeks in when I realized his need to suck was so big that my poor "bottles" couldn't let him do it all night long.

Cloth diapering took an entire month to get in place. It is literally a lot of trial and error. We finally found the diaper that works best for us was an old style prefold and a cover. Should of guessed. I could really go on and on about CDing but I will spare you...but if you are interested and want to hear or want some tips or advice, don't hesitate to throw an email and ask.

I have decided to write each month about one product we could absolutely not do without. The first month, it was definitely the Woombie. Adam and I must have asked three nurses in the hospital to show us how to swaddle. We failed miserably when we got home but Isaac really needed it so when we found this product, it was like Heaven shined down upon us and we heard angels sing. Finally, we were getting some sleep. He doesn't sleep "through the night" but he sleeps in blocks of 3. First being 4-5 hours, second about 2, and the last 2 more. I'm no expert, but I've heard through the new mommy grapevine, that that is pretty darn good. If you are a new mommy, seriously check out the link! Thank me later.

My mom and I really tried to get a good 1 month picture and well, with a one month old...this was the best we could do. If you look close, my mom's hands are behind him holding him so he doesn't fall over.

Here is Isaac trying on some of my creations. To think that I started crocheting because of Brody and now I'm putting my work on his Brother...yea, it kinda makes my heart explode with love.

Please come back each month as I try to improve my photography skills. Yikes!

Friday, February 22, 2013

family of four

Last night as our family lay in bed, Isaac in the middle, one hand wrapped around my finger and one hand wrapped around his Dad's. I felt tears rolling down my face and I honestly couldn't tell if they were that of joy or that of sadness.

Please don't miss understand me. The amount of joy that Isaac has created is immeasurable but as I watched the love between Adam and Isaac, I suddenly felt the immeasurable absence of Brody.
To everyone else, we look like a family of three but in our hearts we are a family of four. A family of four minus one. I asked Adam if having Isaac here helps with the pain. He responded the same way I would have. "No, but it helps to keep you occupied".

Not that we don't think about the pain, not that it has suddenly vanished, not that Brody isn't still our first child. It is just that between the diapers, the feedings, the smiles, the insane amount of love, the pain has found a semi permanent place a little below the surface of where it used to reside.

For some reason, my love for Isaac doesn't bring the pain closer to the top as much as watching Adam and Isaac does.

As one might think, watching them and their shenanigans (pretty sure Isaac thought he could get milk from Dad's nose) does make me think of what could have been but it also makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. And well, who couldn't love that baby?

Monday, February 11, 2013

There were days

I'm gonna be honest. There were days when waiting for Isaac were utterly exhausting.

There were days,even though I felt as if I just knew he would be okay, actually not knowing for sure had my mind running in circles. So much so that all the running left me tired. Physically tired. I felt like I had made rounds in a crazy circus fun house only it wasn't so fun.

Before I read the positive on the test, I told Adam that if I ever got pregnant again that I would never complain. I lied.

I tried not to. It wasnt the normal pregnant complaining though. I literally felt that Isaac would be safer outside of my womb than on the inside.

I tried really hard not to take every pregnant moment for granted. I basked in the glory of the cravings, of the relaxtion, of the sleep (what is sleep again?). I enjoyed it as much as I possibly could.

There were days when my mind thought he would be okay at 24 weeks, 29 weeks, 32 weeks...if only he could just come out then...he would be fine.

Now, I'm so happy he made it to 39 weeks.

When I told everyone that this was it for us, they were sure I would change my mind and as soon as Isaac came, I would be thinking about giving him and Brody a brother or sister some day.

Well, to put it simply...No way! There is not an ounce of me that wants to go through it again.

I know that sounds so selfish but being pregnant after a loss is totally different than just being pregnant.

My body felt like a ticking time bomb, my womb felt like a granade with a previously pulled safety lever...Just waiting to go off. I felt like I was walking through a land mine for 10 months. I was at war with myself. I felt joy and I felt agony...each pulling at eachother, trying depretly to come out on top.

Everyday, I woke up relieved that I wasn't waking up in pain. I wasn't waking up to my last pregnant day.

There were people that told me. Just wait, you will miss being pregnant.


I loved being pregnant with Brody. I loved and hated being pregnant with Isaac. I just wanted my baby here. Safe and in my arms.

There were days when I wanted the wait to just be over.

Worth the wait?