Saturday, April 19, 2014

If you can love TOO much, I've gone and done it.

It's been on mind and I can't make it stop. I can't ask for a do over. I can't go back and erase my mistakes. 

I feel as if I've over loved. I know you think it's not possible and I know you think I'm perhaps even sick in the head to feel as if I could. But if you haven't stood where I stand, well let me say....These are shoes you don't even want to try on, let  alone walk in. 

I fear that in my attempts to prove to myself that I could ,after all, love another child as much as I loved Brody, I over compensated ...greatly. 

Where does the problem lie, you ask?  How do you love too much. It's called guilt and it will eat you alive if you let it. 

I held him longer, I never let him cry. I'm not talking about "cry it out", I'm talking about if he whimpered, I was there. He slept and still sleeps in our bed because there I could and can watch him breathe and I literally watched him take every breath and asked. No begged God to never let that breath cease. 

He depends on me. I understand that. But I feel like in a way, I've let him down. I'm his lifeline but I'm also his deficit. 

In even saying or typing rather these words, I feel as if my "complaints" disappoint God and my son that is with him. How can I even be annoyed that Isaac pulls on my pant legs and refuses to let me sleep through the night without kicking the crap out of me? How can I do this? 

I've gone over the idea in y head that possibly God knew I'd make a poor excuse for a mother. That the sound of my child's cry would literally make me want to pull my hair out. I've gone over the idea that Brody was no accident. He would be better off in Heaven and Isaac was Gods way of saying I told you so. 

So I over loved and now I can't go back and if given the chance, I wouldn't do it differently. I'd over love again and again and again. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Is that you pulling on my heart strings?

Its been too long. So long that it hurts. I stay busy. Being a mommy to a 14 month old leaves little time left to blog...or shower. 
I was recently diagnosed with a rare tick born illness so that put me down for a while too. Mentally as well as physically. 
Excuses excuses. I know. I promised him I'd share his story. I promised him I'd blog for him because it would show everyone that we will NEVER forget. 
I literally fight with the thought that I'm letting him down or letting him go. 
Sometimes I think that nobody even cares anymore. Brody would be 3 this August. I know they remember. It's often just too sad for others to think about on a day to day basis. I get that. 

I can feel him pulling on my heart strings. For whatever reasons he may have. He does this from time to time. He has something for me. He and God sit there and rub their hands back and forth with little light bulbs above their heads, I swear. Can't you picture it? 
He knows when it's time for a project and he bugs me till I get it. 
He would have been persistant. He would have been creative and serious. Curious but cautious. Characteristics that I see forming in his brother and the strings get tighter. 
When I'm really really full of joy. I mean when it's literally streaming out of my pores and I'm so happy.... I think of him. 
And ironically enough, when I'm so deeply sad and hurt, he is there in my heart to show me what really matters. 
He pulls and that's how I know he remains there in my heart. Forever and ever. 
Needless to say. Something will be in the works soon. Blame it on the heart strings.