Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Week 22 update

Ah, week 22. Full of surprises. Little subtle surprises. Nothing that yielded a trip to the ER or anything like that just your normal "change of weather allergies and cold".

I was happy to have the change in weather. The 60s 70 degree works for me except for the lack of clothing that fits my pregnant belly part. I should have been pregnant last year at this time too but I wasn't. Instead I was grieving my son. I should have had my shower on September 10th last year but instead friends and family had to be called to tell them there would be no shower because there would be no baby. Thankfully, I had a generous friend do those "honors". I'm sure there weren't many to call anyhow because in this town, word spreads very fast.

Nope, this time last year I was probably starting to prepare myself for my first trip on a plane to Siesta Key, where I would really cover myself in my grief and somehow find some peacefulness in the death of my son.

This year is way different. Week 22 consisted of lots of nice movement. I'm actually getting concerned about my child's obsessive behavior with my bladder. He is really partying it up in there.

I did catch a cold or found a new allergy to saw dust. Whichever it was, it had me sneezing constantly and weak bladder + sneezing= Well, Do I really have to explain it?
The doctor suggested another ultrasound at 26 weeks to make sure that my placenta is doing it's job this time and that there are no signs of clots or abruptions. I will probably start to have more ultrasounds as we start to get closer and closer to the due date.

Speaking of which, I was looking at a trimester calender the other night and I realized, as of right now ( almost 24 weeks...6months) I am almost through my second trimester. And as my eyes glared at the THIRD trimester, my tummy felt a bit sick. THE third trimester. It is kinda scary to me. The trimester when Brody's heart stopped beating. What if my womb just isn't safe in the third trimester? I wish I could just rid myself of all the worries but it is impossible at this point. They come on by themselves and I'm unable to make them disappear. I will spare you all of the horror that I imagine in my mind's eye.

Dear God, please let Isaac come home with us.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Week 21

Once again, I am behind on updates. I was going to combine week 21 and week 22 but I haven't got in my belly pic for week 22 yet so I will have to get that posted either tonight or tomorrow.

Week 21 was good. I was having a ton of heartburn, even more than the week before.

I thought I had avoided all of the remarks about size pretty well up until now but they have officially started. So big, so tiny, so this, so that. Everyone always has a different opinion which is really fun to compare. Everyone sees things so differently and they always say "Every pregnancy is different", however, the majority of previously pregnant women think that your pregnancy should be or will be exactly like theirs. It makes me laugh.

All this heartburn should yield a head full of hair, right? Wrong, I've talked to women who suffered with horrible heartburn and baby was totally bald. Everyone was pretty convinced that with my outrageous and sometimes irrational craving for many different foods, that I was surely having a girl.

It is all good though, I usually just let them say what they have to but what really does make me a little upset is they way people talk about my pregnancy like it is my first. Like I have something to learn or how bad the birthing process is. Once again, people just seem to forget that I was almost 8 months along and delivered Brody. The only difference between my pregnancy and the "experts" is that their babies lived. I'm certainly not the kind of person who is going to remind them but I do give subtle remarks as to the fact that I did experience this all before and I did still give birth.

I guess these remarks never really stop. Everyone wants to make sure that you know they know more than you. With all the "just wait" comments that I get, sometimes I just want to say " I can't wait!". I know we will be sacrificing sleep, adult communication, and much more but that is percicley why we tried to have Brody and why we decided to have Isaac too. That is the life we want and desire and cannot wait to be living it.

Oh anyway, I could go on and on but who wants to see belly pics and drawings?

The drawing from week 21 was soooo funny. Isaac was the length of a carrot and I felt like I was literally breathing fire at some points, which I know will all totally be worth it. :)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

October 15th

Hi folks. I have been so busy and lost track of time. October 15th is coming up on us fast. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Last year we did a small balloon release and a bigger one on Brody's due date. October 29th.

This year, I would want to switch that around a bit and do the bigger event on October 15th.

I was waiting for an idea just to hit me and it was taking longer than I had expected but today, there it was, light a light bulb. A candle lighting ceremony.

I had just come across tons of tea lights in my basement and wondered what I was going to do with them. I have decided to light a candle and place it on an index card with the baby's name on it. Like all my events, I will include miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

I'm sorry for the short notice, but please do not hesitate to contact me.

As always, I will be taking pictures and have a special post for the ceremony. Thanks everyone.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I'm awake!

"I'm awake, I'm awake", I told the sadness tonight as I lay there trying to sleep and it was poking at me with it's annoying finger. It wants me to be sad tonight. It wants me to relive the details, even ones that I never remembered before.

Arriving at the first hospital and "settled" into the labor and delivery suite, upon hearing that there had been no heartbeat but mine, I walked slowly into the bathroom without a single thought of the death that I was carrying inside of me. What once had been life was now gone.

The sadness of that brings me to tears tonight. I didn't actually realize I was crying until I was wiping the tears from my face. I was so far off into that day, so deeply embedded into those hours that the present didn't even exist.

I admitted to a friend just recently.Something that I told myself I would never share because of the shame in it. One of my first thoughts after the Doctor swore and said "there is no heartbeat". I thought, I just want to go home and have a glass of wine, if I can just relax, everything will be okay. I wasn't heartless, I wasn't so cruel...I was obliviously in shock. I was so unaware, ignorant to the fact that this kind of thing happened and that it had happened to me.

I remember my mother telling me "This will be the worst thing that ever happens to you". I remember feeling disbelief about her words. I hadn't even imagined in that moment that it would be exactly what she said it would be. The worst thing that ever happened to me.

I watched my husband cry and pace the floor, I watched my mother frantically make phone calls and ask for the chapel. I watched the nurse take my hand and hold it firmly within hers as tears filled her eyes but tried very hard not to sob. I'm pretty sure I even flew out of my own body and watched myself lay there totally oblivious to the horror that I was about to come face to face with.

Last night, I lay in bed and watched Isaac kick and squirm. It was the first time that I have seen it from the outside. Tears of joy filled my eyes and thanked God for him.

Tonight, I lay and think of Brody. His kicks and squirms are distant memories. Tears of sadness fill my eyes. And I thank God for him.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Half way there. 20 weeks

I'm trying really hard to keep up with updates, other feelings, and pictures. I'm a very busy girl these days and that is okay by me. I can tell winter is coming up fast because B Bands is back in full force.

Besides that, can you believe I'm 20 weeks? Half way there, so to speak. Although, at this point, I'm still not sure when the doctors will decide when to induce. I'm actually not really sure if they plan on doing so for my physical well being or my psychological well being. Either way, as long as the well being of Isaac is fabulous, I have no problem with them doing what they have to do.

Week 20 was good. I was TIRED and no kidding, these days water is giving me heartburn. I feel like a fire breathing dragon that just chugged red hot for breakfast. I know that my heartburn with Brody was bad too but holy cannoli, Isaac. What are you doing in there?

So, week 20 drawing is me off in dream land with a smile on my face dreaming either of my future with Isaac in my arms, nursing at 2am or of my sweet Brody sitting on the lap of Jesus doing lots of cool things in Heaven. Tums within arms reach of course.

Week 20 marks the week that measurements change from head to toe instead of head to rump, so he was the length of a banana.

Adam and I have an everyday little joke about his cute profile and how we each think it is our own. We are falling in love. Literally tripping over ourselves, falling in love. Scared? Yes! but has the love outweighed the fear in many ways? most definitely.

I have promised a good comparison picture for a long time so here we go. I remember distinctly taking a picture at 21 weeks with Brody and posting to Facebook, so last week I put on the same outfit and took our weekly belly pic.

This is the picture with Brody at almost 21 weeks. Sorry, it is pretty blurry.

Same outfit and less makeup. Isaac at 20 weeks. Looks about the same to me as far as bump size goes. What do you think?

Till next week!

Friday, September 7, 2012

19 weeks and I'm THAT girl

Every week that I sit down and write about Isaac, I become more and more amazed that I'm that far along already. It seems like only yesterday, I was peeing on the stick and full of mixed emotions about a totally planned pregnancy.

Week 19 was pretty boring, the way I like it. I'm sure to the outside world I looked just like another happy pregnant girl...and I was. Almost. But I'm also THAT girl. The one who lost her first baby. The one who buried her baby boy.

I can register at Target with my husband and feel almost normal and look it too. Just like it was the very first time we did it. But its not. I can go shopping for an outfit to bring baby home in and that looks normal too. But I've done it before and he never came home.

That is who I will always be. It defines me. I know that your thinking that is probably not healthy and that I should find something else to define me but let me say in the nicest possible way...Try burying you child and just see if it doesn't define you too. That's not a threat and its not what I wish for anyone. It is just the truth. Its not always a bad way to define myself.

Isaac was very active in week 19. He seems to be playing some sort of game in there. Possibly twister or his own little memory game. You know that little game we all had that had 4 lights on it. Green, yellow, blue and red and it would give you a pattern to remember. Red, red, green, yellow, red, blue? and you hit the buttons in that order...You win! Remember? I'm pretty sure Isaac's game goes like this:

Left ovary, right ovary, bladder, bladder, bladder.

I've been craving salad like its going out of style. It has become a pretty particular craving. Lettuce, pecans,cranberries, any kind of fruit and a raspberry vinaigrette. YUM!

Baby is the size of an heirloom tomato.

19 week picture. In black and white because I didn't feel like showering,doing makeup or hair, or wearing anything cute. Don't Judge. I'm growing a baby and its hard work! :)