Thursday, August 30, 2012

18 week update

We are moving right along, it seems. I'm 19 weeks as I type this. Almost half way and I just simply cannot believe we have got so far so fast. I feel like we just found out yesterday.

The 18th week started out a little shaky as I was preparing to celebrate Brody's birthday in heaven. Is celebrate the right word here? Probably not.

August 21st has shook me to the very core. It was so many things to me. It was the day he was born, it was the day he died. It was the day the old me left, just walked right out the door, never to be seen again. I in that sense, died with him that day.

But it was more. It was the day I started actually really living, the day the clouds opened up and I knew God was watching and I saw him, I felt him...all around me. It was the day joy started being joyous and sadness started being devastating. It was the day I became the me I am now.

Just as I had suspected, August 21st came and it was not nearly as dreadful as I thought it was going to be. Adam took the day off of work and we talked about our son.

As you all know, it was also the day we found out about our little Isaac.

Week 18 turned into the best week thus far. Full of smiles and congratulations, full of honoring and remembering. Full of total and complete joy and excitement for Brody's little brother.

Regan's drawing for this week is me holding one blue balloon representing Isaac and one Happy Birthday balloon for Brody. Isaac was the size of a bell pepper, from crown to rump. And that is a genuine smile on my face.

Isaac in some ways seems to take after his brother, hating seat belts and anything near "his space". Just like Brody, always kicking when mommy lays down to nap or sleep. It is what puts me to sleep, so calming for me. In other ways, he is opposite and his own person. I love them both so much!

Sorry about the bottom of this picture, I'm not sure what is going on.

Are my days of sobbing and crying over? I'm guessing not but I do know that after August 21st came to an end, I woke up full of life. Literally. The life inside and the life I lost. My heart is full of life and love for both of my boys.

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