Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I never imagined

 I can't help it tonight. I don't know if its the cold weather that takes me back to the raw grief or just the fact that I look in the mirror and I can't help but stare. My belly is almost exactly the size it was the last time Brody was inside.

I miss him so much and it hurts like Hell tonight. I never imagined what it would be like to love so deeply for two babies. It sometimes feels like I'm being torn in two. Physically, as I sit here and tears run down my face and I start to feel my heart racing and it becomes difficult to  breathe. My belly shakes and I stop. I have to tell myself that crying this hard cannot be good for the baby who I am carrying right now but the baby I carried before him pulls at my heart strings.

Part of me dreads the day we take Isaac to his brother's grave and another part of me can't wait till I can tell him all about Brody.

I try to imagine our first family vacation on the white sandy beaches of Siesta Key. I feel Brody so much when I'm there. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings I will have with Isaac beside me and Brody all around us.

I never imagined I would have to imagine these scenarios.

And then...I get this scary reminder tapping me on my shoulder reminding me that Isaac isn't here just yet and I should be jumping the gun on imagining these things so soon.

I knew when Brody died that this wasn't going to be easy and I knew when we got pregnant again that it would be difficult but I never imagined all of this...

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