Thursday, February 23, 2012

No more sparkle?

Tuesday was Brody's six month angelversary. Six months in heaven for my little man. I wonder, sometimes, what he is doing. Sitting on the lap of Jesus himself, I wonder? I guess that is what gets me through. I got an email the other day about the blog, she told me to keep my faith strong. I responded with: if I didn't know in my heart that Brody was with Jesus, I'm not sure I could go on.

Sometimes I get blindsided with the reality of it all. I wonder how I am surviving this. Staying strong is really hard work at points. I've had some really tough moments. Some really dark and dreary times and I'm sure there are more to come. I try really hard not to get caught up in them because those moments are pretty scary. I don't even discuss them here.

Sometimes I fight with myself about my feelings. I use every ounce of energy I have to fight those dark and dreary times. I wonder why it is that I'm not even just a little mad at God, because I prayed every SINGLE night that Brody would be okay. Sometimes, I even fell asleep mid prayer and when I would wake to the sudden urge to pee, I would continue my prayer. I cannot be mad at Him, there is something bigger (Him, I'm guessing) that will not allow me to be and I'm so grateful for that.

 For the most part, in my opinion, I've handled this situation pretty well...under the circumstances I mean. I wish someone can explain to me how an individual can be proud of one's self for how well they are grieving their first born child. The thought of being proud of that makes me literally nauseous.

I guess there will always be that part of me that just simply cannot believe this, a part that no matter how much time has passed,feels like there is a giant hole in my soul,a part that even though Brody is always on my mind, gets reminded that things will never be quite the same ever again.

My mom told me a little after Brody died that the "sparkle" I used to have was gone and she was afraid it would never come back. At the time, I thought to myself I really don't remember ever "sparkling" but okay. She has to say those things, she is my mother. haha. But seriously, I kinda know what she was saying. A part of me was literally gone and I knew it was never coming back. I wondered if everyone else could see it too or was it just my mom? I've never been good at lying or hiding so I thought "can perfect strangers see this hole in my soul?"

This is New Years 2010...I think (Before Brody)

This is while I was pregnant. One of my favorite pictures...Now THIS is me really "sparkling".

This is after Brody died and I just got my hair done and was sending it to my mom. Yes, I admit this is a very bad picture and I cannot believe I'm actually posting it but honestly ,this is the biggest smile I could muster up that day. I mean I reached deep inside to pull out this very fake,half smile. There are moments when it actually takes all I have to smile and then it really physically hurts to do so.

I hope that this said "sparkle" returns a little at a time, and I REALLY hope my pictures get better that the one above ( am I really posting that?)

P.S. I hope you all are getting excited for the Leap Year Auction, I know I am! I know I say this every time, but Brody just amazes me every single day. From the people he sends my way to the little things he does to show me he is there when I'm having a bad day. I love him more than words can say! :)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Brody's 2nd Project

I've heard it before, the worst part about grieving is that at some point, everyone else around you will start to forget and move on with their lives and you are still there...right in the middle of the hurricane. They clean up and brush themselves off and there you are left standing, covered in dust and debris, just looking around wondering where you should go from there. How do you move on? How do you re-build? How are YOU expected to forget what just tore through your life and left pieces? I've heard it and it is true! There are no words sometimes to describe it except just sucks :(

I feel relieved that people have stopped walking on eggshells but there is still a part of me questioning why they have stopped and I miss the eggshells.

Sometimes I feel like I have an incurable disease. You know, one that isn't necessarily life threatening if you give yourself daily injections of tlc and pop your daily "positive outlook" pill, geez, but in the is still there and you can only hope that it's not contagious. TIME goes on and you feel like you are managing your symptoms, but YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HEAL.

All my life, I have watched people on the news, movies, or even in real life make something positive from their own tragedies. I would always think to myself "How in the world are they doing this?". Now I know, sometimes you do it because it is the ONLY choice. So, with that said... Here is Brody's second project. I'm beside myself with excitement about it.

Brody's 2nd Project:

When I started Brody's Project 1, I wanted it to be small but had such big ideas. I had no platform to work from though. B Bands has given me that platform. Brody amazes me, that is all I can say.

B Bands will be holding an auction on Leap Year (how ironic) 2/29. So far, we have several vendors participating in the auction. I will be making a very special frog hat. The money from the auction will be going to both March of Dimes and to a family that has recently lost their baby.

I created a virtual band in Brody's memory and that is where the money will be donated. Here is the link to that: Brody's band. Feel free to donate in Brody's name directly on there or participate in the auction if you would like. You can read more about the auction and sweet baby Austin here: Leap Year Auction.

I remain convinced that Brody's life was for a reason, same as each and every one else in this world. The other evening, while checking the stats on the blog and looking at the new live feed (Thanx Jesica), I seen there were visitors from Florida, South Carolina, Iowa, and Ohio. Vendors were donating left and right and I felt Brody's spirit run through me and all around. Tears filled my eyes and warmth filled my heart. I love you Brody....You are amazing!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

When everything fell apart, things fell together

I can only speak for myself and about our experience with death and loss. Just like any other experience in life, we all handle things and cope differently.

Our journey, in my opinion, has been very eye opening in many ways. Heartbreaking? of course but in many ways, when everything seemed like it was falling apart...we started to see that things were just falling together as well.

Everything about Brody's death seemed...dare I say it....meant to be.

A girlfriend asked me the other day, while I was showing her my bracelet with my birthstone, Adam's birthstone, and Brody's green birthstone "Did you know his birthstone was going to be green?". "Of course not", I said, "I thought it would be pink, like mine". His due date was in October, I had no idea he would be showing up in angel form in August.

At the hospital, Adam's Dad mentioned he had bought a plot next to Mary Sue (Adam's Mom) years ago but had never actually wanted to be buried. He wasn't sure why he bought it but we all knew right then and there, it was where Brody was meant to be buried, right next to his Grandmother.

The day we came home from the hospital, our sewage was backed up. Oddly enough, my first thought was "Oh well, it could be worse". I never said "What else?", how could I. I had lost all my dreams of becoming a mother, in that moment, there wasn't anything worse. I called my father in law to get someone out there to help us fix it. He called back and told us a time and price. I wrote the check. Less than two hours later, a friend of Adam's from work showed up with a card for us, inside was cash. The exact amount that I just had wrote the check for. Adam counted it three times and I did twice. They had no idea about our sewage problem.

I'm positive that not every mother who loses feels this way and I'm sure you guys are thinking that if your child died, you would not want to think of one single thing that seemed meant to be. Maybe it is a choice I have made, maybe it's a coping mechanism, or maybe it my faith. I can't be sure about what it is exactly, I just know that God and Brody let me know at least once a day that he is okay and I will be as well.

One afternoon, about 3 weeks after Brody died, I was sitting in my bedroom reading "Heaven is for real". Adam had ran to the store and I was feeling lost. I was reading the part where the mother was praying with her son. I totally lost it. I would never pray with Brody, the thought tore at my heart. I heard a knock at the door, I wasn't expecting anyone so I was curious to who it might be. It was our exterminator. Last time he was there, we were just leaving to go to the doctors to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. He said "Congratulations, God will bless you in so many ways". I opened the door and his eyes went immediately to lack of pregnant belly. I felt like he had seen me naked. I wanted to cover it up and pretend it wasn't almost flat. Instead for the first time out loud I said "We lost the baby". Those words felt like they weighed a ton. He asked if he could come in. I said yes, he hugged me. By now, you would think I would be thinking "why is my exterminator hugging me?"...I wasn't! He took my hand and told me that my baby was an angel in heaven and Jesus loves children. I shook my head and tears rolled down my face. We sat at the dinner table and talked about God and Brody and before he left, he said "You will pray with your children one day". When he left, I was in total shock. Adam came home and I felt like I was telling him I had just seen a unicorn in the back yard. We both just stared at each other and cried. Looking back, I have said "Doesn't God have a silly sense of humor to send an angel in the form of an exterminator", especially since I woke up that morning to a huge spider in the sink and told Adam "we need to call that bug guy".  Are you getting goosebumps yet?

I have always been a thinker and worrier. I'm fairly certain that the average person would drive themselves crazy with all the thoughts in my mind. I have become accustomed to them and have learned to embrace them. When the Doctor came in and said "I don't have good news", My response was "I didn't figure". Here is what I was saying in my head " Oh, yep, that's why I could never imagine him at home, that's why I wrote in my GREEN journal every night about how scared I was, this is why Cloie has been following me around, that is why I felt such a connection with Mary Sue while I was pregnant, this is probably why I could never actually pick up the diapers,baby lotion, and wipes at the store that I had coupons for". Along with being a thinker and worrier, I'm also a planner. I had bought 4 outfits for Brody....4. I never felt right about buying clothes for him.

Believe me, these things "falling together" doesn't make my heart ache less and they certainly don't bring him back. The other night I said to Adam, while laying in bed " I just want to turn down the covers and tell you to watch him kick". Those were THE best moments of my life and I miss them every day. I find comfort in the fact that Brody is with Jesus and like the "bug guy" said "Jesus loves children".

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I just can't find the words

It's not a bad day, but its not a great day either. I miss Brody A LOT today. It's one of those days that I cannot find the words for so I don't have a great post that I have brainstormed over for days....But I do have this:

I found this last night on Faces of Loss Facebook page. I could not of said it better myself and I wanted to share with everyone. Hopefully I can get a nice, long post in tomorrow for my sake and for you guys to read.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Those Days

Hi Everyone. There are a few things on my mind today. One, judging by the stats, I can see there are some new readers, actually, there looks to be a lot, unless one of you is looking at the blog 213 times a day, which is totally fine by me. :) Soooo, Welcome, I'm always happy to see new readers, members, and messages about my sweet boy.

Secondly, Can you believe the new look the blog has? I wish I could take credit, but I owe it all to Jesica Montgomery. She came across B Bands on Facebook and helped me network the page, get 200 new fans, and re-designed the blog for me. What an amazing woman huh?

 When I first took a look at the new design, I got that strange feeling I get sometimes, the one where I get so sad looking at and reading this story of sadness, death, faith, strength, and trying to find happiness again...and then I realize it's my story, it is the story of my son. A rush of emotions just floods my existence. It just seems so unreal that this could happen to someone and yet the reality strikes you across the back of the head as to say "Wake up, YOU are living this".

The other day I was just crocheting away, completely focused on the work in my hands. Brody's picture came up on the digital picture frame. I'm getting to the point where I smile and say "Hi honey, Hi B, or hi my sweet lil man", but that day was different. The beginning stages of grief snuck up on me, punched me in the chest and squeezed my heart till there was nothing but tears. All my strength crumbled to the floor and I swear I could see it laying there in pieces right along side my heart.

I hate days like that, they make me feel like I've taken three steps back when I've been doing nothing but running forward for days, or even weeks. Those days make you feel like everything you have been working so hard for... just.  means.  nothing.  because your son is still dead. It makes you kinda laugh at yourself for thinking you were just simply the best at grieving. What in the world were you thinking when you thought things were looking up and you were getting stronger? It's like some cruel joke someone played on you and under their breath they laugh and ask "ha, now Tia, did you think I was gonna give your son back to you?" 

On those days you are the mole. Your that cute little mole in the carnival game that pokes its head up only to get beaten back into it's hole. It's like when you feel like you have built up enough energy to poke your head back into the real world full of laughter (real laughter) and sunshine, grief beats you back into your hole of sadness and makes you remember why you were there in the first place.

I remember reading other blogs in the beginning and reading about how good days come more often but when bad days come, they just break you. I know everyone is different but I know what that is like now. At the beginning, pain is all there is. Hope and joy seem like things of the past. You become immune to the fact that you are feeling nothing but pain and grief. As I'm moving towards six months now, Hope, joy, and happiness are visual. I can even reach out and touch them sometimes, so when the pain comes rushing in, it hurts in a different way because it becomes a balancing act of pain and hope, hurt and happy, joy and grief.

On those days Heaven just seems too far away :(