Thursday, October 11, 2012

my reoccurring nightmare

Have you ever had those reoccurring nightmares or dreams that sneak up on you when you're least expecting them? I used to have one where I was continuously late for my  high school English class. This was years after I had graduated and I always woke up in a sweat. Then I used to have one where I would accidentally drive off of a cliff. I used to be able to feel my ears popping on the way down. Eeee, so creepy.

I couldn't sleep last night. Just as I got all 7 pillows where they need to be and got my pregnant belly situated perfectly where it needs to be to rest, my head hit my pillow and like clockwork the image of me holding my lifeless baby popped into my brain. The look on the doctor's face when I delivered the placenta and he said it was one of the worst he had ever seen. The tears dripping even pouring from every one's eyes except mine, the love that was visibly seen when everyone took their turn holding Brody mixed with the utter agony of loss. I remember being such an overprotective mom telling Adam to sit while he held him in fear that he might drop him. I remember kissing his little forehead only to be surprised that he wasn't cold.

I had feelings that I'm pretty sure one should never have. Instead of wanting to hold my son for hours on end, I wanted him to be taken away before he turned completely purple.

At the time, nothing seemed too sad, it was more of a matter of fact gloom. I was presented with things that were just done. "Did you have a name picked?" "Yes, Brody Michael", The name of the funeral home popped into my head, where he would be buried occurred like I had been thinking about it for 71/2 months, everything was oddly easy then.

But NOW, now that the shock has been washed away and I see through clear eyes, it all is so incredibly sad. Actually, I can't think of a whole lot that is more sad than being asked by a nurse if you want your baby to have an autopsy. I looked at Adam and she told me that if one was done, he would have to be cremated. "NO", I said "NO AUTOPSY THEN". Nothing sadder than being moved out of the ICU and into a suite that would normally house a mommy and an alive baby. I asked to be put where there were no babies in sight or sound. Sad doesn't even describe driving home and glancing back into your empty back seat, no carseat, no baby. Nothing more cruel than your body just assuming that your baby lived and preparing itself to feed and nurture him when in fact, your putting on your black maternity clothes and wrapping your breasts tightly to attend his burial.

I know that I blogged last night that happy posts were my favorite and it is true. Brody makes me happy, he makes me proud, he makes me who I am today so even though its the saddest thing I can think of, the memory of those days takes me closer to him.

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I'm not remembering those days to torture myself or to make you all sad but I am remembering my son to honor him and to break the silence.

If you want to help in the efforts to break the silence and you have been through loss, I would love to hear from you. If you feel like no one wants to hear your story, I do. I know all too well that as sad as it is to hear that someone else went through the heartache, in some ways its healing to know that you are not alone.

Just a reminder, a fellow baby loss friend and myself will be holding a candle lighting ceremony on the 15th for babies gone too soon. You can add your angel here, email me at or you can find me on Facebook and message me on there. All of that info is under contact info on the main page.
Forever and always, my sweet boy.

1 comment:

  1. Tia,
    Issac is also just like his Mom, who I used to call "Tawnya Tornado". LOL. He will be the perfect combination of his wonderful, beautiful parents.
    With all my love,
    Your Mom