Friday, December 30, 2011

Nothing spectacular

I haven't written in some time now and there are a few reasons for that 1) Christmas was rough, to say the least, 2) Right after Christmas, I was ever so blessed with the flu that put me down for 2 days, and 3) My computer is ill too. It conveniently just shuts off at random and it takes at least seven times of turning it on to actually...turn on. 

For those of you that are wondering, The Christmas spirit never came. No surprise here, I stopped searching and expecting. I even got a little grinchy, I found myself rolling my eyes at a woman at Subway for telling other customers that "This was her favorite time of year", "Who am I?", I asked myself. By the time Christmas Day arrived, I kept thinking that I just wanted it to be over. Don't get me wrong, I loved being around family and friends and that is probably what kept me going but there were times I just wanted to exit and climb back into bed and sleep till the new year.

I wish I had some amazing post today, something creative, some sort of quirky analogy or maybe even some humor, but I have nothing of the sort to give you guys and I'm sorry for that. Truth be told, I usually only write on my good days. I leave the bad days for reflecting and gathering my thoughts together but today is a bad day. On days like this, it becomes difficult to even explain to myself how I'm feeling let alone put it into words for everyone else but of course I'm gonna give it my best shot...

Today, I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm up then I'm way down and even sideways. It's one of those days I could drive to the grocery store with tears in my eyes, get there and do all my shopping, come home and put them all away then sit down and not remember doing any of it. Days like these are like figments of your imagination but ironically so real and raw that all the tears you own aren't enough. One minute, you tell yourself there is no point in crying because it wont bring your baby back but the next minute when you find yourself dropping things like its an Olympic sport and your wearing the gold, you cry. You cry like that remote or cell phone on the floor was your most prized possession. You might even believe yourself when you blame your tears on your clumsiness instead of the fact that your baby is gone. 

Everyday is different with grieving. Everyday you are a different person. You have to become familiar with the different kinds of days and acquaint yourself with them and learn what is good and bad on those specific days. I learned very recently that on days like today, even though drinking a bottle of wine seems like the answer, it most certainly is not. You will find yourself drunk and miserable, listening to rap music that you don't even like, and perhaps finding a unfamiliar dark side of yourself that isn't pretty or helpful in the process. If you are lucky like me and have amazing friends, one of them might come to your rescue. If not, just avoid Alcohol in general.

So, while I realize that none of my blog posts are Pulitzer material, I do sincerely apologize for this one and my lack of creativeness.

By the way, Only a 2 days left for Brody's project! Have a Happy New Year everyone!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Christmas spirit, where are you?

Hello There Readers! I'm going to be extending Brody's Project in hopes that I get at least a few more responses. I know everyone is busy with this whole Christmas thing going on so I don't expect anyone to put a hold on their wrapping, cooking, and family time to e-mail me.

I will extend until after both holidays, Christmas and New Years and try to have the blog post up at the beginning of the new year. Maybe every one's responses will help me to enter the new year with new hopes and new dreams for our future and possibly just maybe even hopes for a brother or sister for Brody.

I will make the deadline January 1st and try to have up the post with in a week. Once again my e-mail address is  Thank you to everyone who has responded already and to everyone else in advance.

On a side note, I'm finding it difficult to get in the Christmas spirit. Maybe some of you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Christmas spirit. For me, it usually occurs when I'm decorating my tree with music in the background and I get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside knowing Christmas day is on it's way. I talked to Adam about it and he attributes it to the slightly warmer weather. I thought maybe it was that I was getting older or that I haven't gotten the chance to see Home Alone on television yet.

The truth is I know it's not the weather, lack of Christmas movies, or my age. I know it's because my heart is broken. I know it's because instead of shopping for my Brody and singing him all my favorite Christmas songs, I'm making him a shrine in the corner of my home complete with a stuffed teddy bear with his name on it, a candle with a "B" on it to light on Christmas Eve, an angel statue, and a wonderful tree made out of frog ribbon gifted to me by a new and dear friend.

My house is decorated, my tree has been up for weeks, all the gifts are wrapped, and I've even tried to  make this year a little different and special by hand making the majority of my gifts . I've even tried baking to see if the Christmas spirit was lost somewhere in pudding cookies or chocolate covered oreos, no such luck though. 

I guess there is some kind of "moral of the story" here. Some sort of Dr. Seuss "happy ending" in realizing that the Christmas spirit can't be found in presents, gifts, or decorations. It can only be found inside of you, inside of your heart. But, what happens when you feel empty inside and your heart is broken, where is the Christmas spirit to be found then? How can you search for the Christmas spirit when you are decorating not only a tree but the grave of your first born child?
 So as the snow was falling the other day and Adam and I sat down to watch Christmas movies on the couch and not a spec of Christmas spirit was felt or in sight, I found myself asking "Where are you Christmas?"
"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

hmmm, what to wear?

Everyday, women everywhere choose what to wear that day. It may be deciding on what to wear to work or just deciding what clothes are most comfortable to lounge around in.

Everyday, I feel like I'm going to a big event and I have to make a choice. Will I wear the bright polka dot dress or the old faithful black dress? The event is life and the choice isn't always easy. 

The bright polka dot dress is so positive and joyful. The accessories include nothing but a smile. It has become that dress that you see and love but just know it looks better on the model and your body shape and size could never pull it off. I wore it the entire time I was pregnant and I never wondered how it looked because I knew it made me feel beautiful and that is all that mattered. The polka dot dress has a bright outlook into the future and welcomes the thought of future children with open arms and an open heart.

The black dress is dark and dreary. It's comfortable and sad, but it draws you in. On the outside, it really just looks like a regular LBD but the appearance is very deceiving. It may look like it pulls you in in all the right places and hides all the flaws but underneath you are still out of shape, you are still grieving. There are times I try on the polka dot dress, dance around in it for a little but find myself feeling guilty for trying and I know it just isn't going to work that day. The sadness becomes like a vacuum, sucking me in, and not giving up on the fight. Those are times that I know I have fought too long, I've been smiling and staying positive for a week now and it has somehow weakened my soul. I miss the tears and I miss my son and I just want to let it all out. 

On Saturday, I put on a literal black dress and attended my husband's company Christmas party.  I'm sure we appeared like things were getting back to normal for us, but Brody was on my mind the entire evening. His necklace was around my neck and his name etched in my heart. Adam wore the pants that he wore the day we buried Brody.
For the first time, we encountered someone who knew we were pregnant but had no idea that Brody was gone. From across the way, he shouted the the four words I have been dreading to hear for months..."How is the baby?" I looked at my husband, we were both searching for an answer and wondering what was appropriate to shout out loud without offending anyone around. Adam answered "It's a long story", The guy just looked at us. I lowered my head and walked away. I don't know what he thought to himself or if he figured it out in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to tell him that our baby was home with his Grandma babysitting him and this was Mommy and Daddy's first night out without him.

Everyday, I make a choice. Usually I am very positive and I know life is too precious to give up on, so I put on the polka dot dress and I wear it with pride. It does get uncomfortable and I tug at it and I adjust the length. There are moments I wish I would have put on the black dress instead but I know this bright colored one will take me places the black dress will not.

I'm almost four months in now and I cannot tell you things are better, but I can say it is getting easier to live with the unanswered questions that I know I will never have an answer to. Good days come more often and my tears are less abundant. There are still days that make me think that being pregnant for almost eight months and not having a baby in your arms is kinda like getting all dressed and having no where to go.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Freddy has nothing on Pregnancy

Ever since I can remember, I've had a total irrational fear of Freddy Krueger. Yes, I realize that I'm coming up on thirty years of age, but till this day, if I see a costume or even see the movie on the guide channel on t.v., I quickly turn away and remind myself that it is only Robert Englund doing his job. My mother can attest to many a sleepless nights due to this character who single handily tainted my childhood with images of his bladed hands flashing in front of his face all while smirking and making me feel like I was next to be drug up and down the walls of my bedroom and covered with blood that no one else could see but me. 

These days, I find myself dramatically pushing the up and down button on my remote and turning away when I hear "Kortney Kardashian is pregnant (oh the horror), Beyonce is craving ketchup( oh my gosh), and Jessica Simpson is showing off her baby bump( I'm now sweating like I've had a nightmare)". Blah blah blah, I say to myself. I've trained myself to put it off like I don't care and don't want to hear about it but the truth is, pregnancy scares me to death. It scares me like Freddy did years ago. I'm that little girl again looking under my bed before I go to sleep, making sure he isn't under there just waiting for me to lay down so he can take his sharp fingers through my mattress and then through my body.

I could be in a serious conversation, very focused on the lips and eyes of my friend and soaking up all the words and giving my complete attention, but yet I could hear the words "pregnant" or "baby" from across a room. They stick out like the "f" word in church on Sunday. My eyes get wide like Freddy walked in and sat down beside me. I can feel my heart rate increasing and chills up my spine.

I have tried to avoid pregnant friends and I'm not proud of that fact. That is not me. I love people and being around them, pregnant or not. It's not because I'm jealous or I hate them for being pregnant. I don't avoid them because they have something I used to have and I hold that against them, it's quite the opposite actually. Deep down, I am so very happy for them and the joy they are about to experience but the new cautious and fearful me knows pregnancy doesn't always end in joy. I know first hand that things can go horribly wrong. It scares me to hear someone is pregnant, they have put on the freddy mask and shouted "boo" in my face. I don't want to scare them with my presence, I don't want to be that very real reminder that it is all too possible that they will never take their baby home and hold them in their arms...alive. What if my presence becomes awkward, what if this fear becomes as irrational as looking behind the shower curtain for Freddy before I sit down to pee. What if me being so close to the baby makes me contagious, contagious of baby loss, what if I spread it around like influenza in between seasons.

When I find out another friend of mine is pregnant, I instantly start praying "Please God, please don't make them go through this, please protect them from this pain, please God, let this baby make it and be healthy and alive, please, please, please". I beg him as if His plans weren't already in place, as if my prayers will change His puzzle and move this piece a little to prevent any further empty arms. 

To be completely honest, Freddy Krueger still scares me. He still gives me chills and wide eyes but he has nothing on pregnancy. I would actually choose to go have dinner with Freddy, a glass a wine or two, and have him walk me home in the dark given the choice between that and losing a child. 

What is worse is that I don't want to be the reminder for glowing pregnant women that their baby could join mine, I don't want to become their worst nightmare. I fear that I have become their "Freddy Krueger".

Monday, December 5, 2011

Brody's First Project

Hello Everyone!
I've been back and forth about a little idea I have for you guys (the readers of Brody's Blog) and I have decided to just go for it. I have a lot of other huge ideas but I think it's best to start small for now.

I've had several people come to me in person and tell me they read the blog everyday and that they have shared it with family members and friends. I've also had people send me messages on Facebook and through e-mail telling me what the blog has done or changed for them. One woman thanked me for sharing my feelings and it has helped her get through some  "would be" frustrating times with her own children. I suppose reading about mine and Brody's story would make a mother feel grateful for her children, for her alive children and that a temper tantrum is far better than the alternative. I know for sure a sleepless night due to a crying baby sounds like Heaven compared to the sleepless nights I endure. 

When someone tells me they read the blog, I feel so good about others really wanting to know about Brody. Often times, I just wanna come right out and say "What has Brody done for you?" "How has his story changed the way you think or feel?" or "What kind of impact has Brody had on you?" but I never want to put someone in an awkward position so I just wait until they want to tell me or sometimes they just don't. It truly amazes me that Brody has such an impact on others and he isn't even alive. He was and is so loved by so many and he only lives now through me. It's up to me to help him live on.

So, I want to start a little project and hopefully the first of many. I want to know how Brody's story has impacted you. Don't hesitate to join in the project if you don't know me that well or even at all. I will accept all responses from anyone who wants to share. Once I receive them all, I will write a special blog post from them. 

There is no incentive really, no big prize for the best e-mail or anything (well, unless I think of something really creative between now and the deadline, which is always possible). I just want to get the ball rolling with Brody's first project and thought this was a great way to start. 

My only request is that everyone is kind and honest. Please send responses either to my email or with a Facebook message. My email is Please subject the messages : Brody's Project. I would like to have the post up before Christmas so I will accept responses until December 19th. I'm really looking forward to hearing from you all!Thank you