Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Isaac's debut

I know that it has been what feels like forever since I have written and I feel extremely bad about it. But I think I have a pretty good excuse.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy were rough. Physically and emotionally pretty draining.

But then the day came. My doctors decided they didn't want me to go past 39 weeks so on Monday the 14th, we went in to be induced but Isaac had plans of his own. When we arrived at the hospital, I went into labor on my own.

They did start me on a small amount of pitocin to get things moving along.

My labor and delivery was so calm and easy that I thought I had been dreaming. I had prayed that it would be that way but I never thought that it would be something I look back upon with enjoyment.

It went so fast and then there he was. I had an increasing fear that he would come out silent and when he was laying on my chest making normal healthy baby noises, I stared in total shock. I couldn't say anything. I remember one of the nurses ask "Mrs. Lukehart, are you okay?". I whispered to Adam "he is alive".

He was 7lbs, 10 oz, 21 inches long and totally perfect. I never even counted toes and fingers. I just stared.
I didn't take many pictures in the hospital. I had planned on it but got so caught up in Isaac that nothing else was more important that holding him, smelling him, kissing him. Just breathing him in.

After we got home, I started to have a little trouble. I wont go into details but to all of the mothers out there, I'm sure you understand. I am just starting to feel like a normal human being again.

We have been home for almost two weeks now and I'm still in shock. I'm still wondering who came into the room with a baby and told us it was ours. I can't believe this wonderful and joyous miracle is something WE created. I couldn't wait till he opened his eyes so I could gaze into them and I do so every chance I get.

I had this fear when I was pregnant that I would be a terrible mother, that I would be so overwhelmed and sleep deprived that I would secretly regret him, or even worse that I would be stricken with postpartum depression.

Those fears vanished. They couldn't be further from what is going on in our household at this very minute. I mention to Adam at least once a day that I'm convinced God made me to be a mother. Everything fell into place and we couldn't be any more blessed.

The question remains...Do I think we feel so blessed because of the loss of Brody?  Yes. The fact is if Brody was here, Isaac would not be. It is a truth that hurts and heals my heart.

Brody surrounds us. Every moment of everyday. He is the reason I gaze into Isaac's eyes with a love I never thought could exist, he is the reason I wake at 3am to nurse without hesitation or regret, he is the reason I kiss a mouth that just threw up breast milk two seconds before, the reason I volunteer to change a smelly diaper because part of me loves it.

I fall more in more in love everyday and I so look forward to sharing the adventures of Isaac with you all. Oh, and the few hundred pictures that I take everyday. ;)