A day of Hope. October 15th 2012

October 15th 2010. I had no idea. No clue what "1 in 4" meant. Oblivious to the fact that all over the world people were lighting candles to remember the lost.

 

"The lost"

 

Not so lost at all. I know where Brody went, I know where all babies go who die. Heaven. Now, I know!

 

If they were miscarried at 6 weeks or 12, if they were stillborn at 23 or 30 weeks and 1 day, if they lived only 3 short hours or 16 days, they would all be remembered every day to their parents, but all over the world to many on October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day.

 

I received an email the other day from a woman who said I had given her hope to have another baby after her daughter had been stillborn at 41 weeks. She is pregnant now. Her daughter will never be forgotten. Not on October 15th and not on any day before or after...Ever.

 

I got another email from a woman who lost 8 babies. She recently adopted her precious little daughter and now has hope.

 

Isn't that what we are all looking for?

 

A little bit of hope. Somewhere. Anywhere?

 

Hope can be found in the early stages of grief in the strangest places. The bottom of a wine bottle? Your exterminator's soothing voice when he tells you that your baby is with Jesus. And you believe him. In staying up way past your bed time desperately searching for someone whose story looks if only a little like yours because you just simply cannot be the only person to ever suffer this horrible tragedy. You cannot be the only one feeling this dark and this scary while you watch your tears gather on your t shirt... right?

 

Later, hope may take the form of writing your baby's name in the sand or a rainbow on Christmas day. Hope is not letting go, hope is hanging on. Hanging on to the memory of your baby.

 

Hope then some day may mean helping others, sharing your story in hopes that it will let others know that they are NEVER alone in this. Hope can be watching 21 balloons disappear into the heavens, 61 shells released in the names of angels, and 24 candles lit on a crisp fall evening and stories of each being shared out loud as well as their names.

 

A friend of mine and a fellow BLM (baby loss mommy) and I got together tonight to remember over 30 babies gone too soon. We lit the candles and talked about them all. We let them burn and said each of their names out loud as we blew out the candles one by one.

 

And of course, we took pictures.

The big candle shown below was lit to remember all babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

 

This year, I noticed more "1 in 4" stickers on Facebook, I noticed more candles lit for the wave of light, I noticed more initials and names with hearts. October 15th is about breaking the silence of Pregnancy and Infant loss.

 October 15th is now a day I know. I live it. I breath it. I am 1 in 4.