Wednesday, June 27, 2012

bad day

I know I just posted but. wow. It's amazing how things change from day to day.

Today, I can count how many times I've smiled or laughed on one hand.

The official count on the number of tears I've cried today is still up in the air at this point. I've cried tears that made no sense and some that felt so right.

I cried because I couldn't find a parking place at the post office.

I cried because my dog ate all my yummy muffins that I just bought...while I was at the post office.

I cried because my fish died.

I cried because my dogs were driving me crazy with their insane barking habits and I yelled at them.

I cried because I miss my son.

I cried because instead of cuddling with him and smelling his babyness, I was in bed crying...alone.

I cried because the baby inside me isn't him.

I cried because I feel like such a fool assuming that I might actually get to bring this one home.

I cried because this thought went through my mind " If something bad is going to happen, I just wish it would happen already". I know how scary that thought is, I know how horrible that thought is, but I mostly know how honest that thought is.

I wish I could witness a miracle. I wish I could stand before the face of God himself and have him give me a thumbs up, a reassurance that everything is going to be okay and that in less than 7 months, I will have Brody's brother or sister in my arms...alive and breathing.

I know that is asking for a lot. I know I'm just supposed to have faith that all we be okay but its easier said than done these days.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Week 9

Well, week 9 is over and week 10 has begun.

Week 9 was pretty uneventful. I did attend a wedding and I think I put on makeup and made myself presentable for the first time in eh, lets say...8 weeks!

My appetite has returned and I missed it so.

A good friend of mine has been doing weekly drawings of me to help me document what is going on each week with my cravings, my moods, and just for fun.

Every week, Baby Center tells me what size the baby is, whats going on inside, and compares the baby's size to a fruit or veggie. Week 8, the baby was the size of a Lima bean. I was feeling a little happier because I switched to gummy vitamins.

This the week 9 picture. The baby was the size of a grape. I have my arms full of carbs. I wasn't just craving them, I needed them! It seemed to be the only thing that could curb my nausea, so I ate a bunch of carbs.

I am currently 10 weeks along and Baby Center the baby is the size of a kumquat. Hmmm, I don't know if I'm the only person in the world who doesn't know what a kumquat is but we are just gonna go with the WTEWYE size depiction of a prune. And actually, a prune suits very well with whats going on with my digestive system if you get my drift. :(

Some things are so different than they were with Brody and I like that. Some things are exactly the same, and I like that too.

Whenever Brody first passed, I thought a lot about becoming pregnant again. My desire to have a living child turned quickly into fear and I decided to just give it to God. Just leave it in his hands.

At first though, I knew Brody's things (which really only consisted of a few outfits) were tucked away and I thought they would never be touched again. In my mind, I thought there was no way that his future brother or sister would ever wear those items. I just couldn't do that.

Nowadays, I have such a different standing on that. I can't wait to put Brody's clothes on his brother or sister. What better way to honor him and remember him?

I'm trying really hard to take everyday in, really enjoy my pregnancy because I know how "abruptly" it can be taken away. But seriously, I cannot wait to have this baby in my arms! I can't wait to kiss him or her, stare into his or eyes, and someday....Tell him or her all about the amazing big brother she/he has in heaven. :)

Ps. We are starting belly pictures tonight so stay tuned...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

An emotional amusement park

You've all heard of the emotional roller coaster. Grieving your child is like visiting the emotional amusement park.

Some people do well at amusement parks, others aren't as great. Either way, you may start out your "day at the amusement park" thinking one of two things. You are going to make the best of it and keep a positive outlook or you will just try to get through it... anyway you can.

I get the emotional roller coaster analogy. Ups and Downs. Grieving consists of a lot more. There is the emotional merry go round, the emotional water ride, the emotional bumper cars. Also complete with all the people around you who just tick you off.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a merry go round that isn't all that "merry" at all. It's like a merry go round at some sort of freak show or circus. All while going up and down at various moments throughout the ride, you also get presented with flashbacks, anxiety, and fear. Round and Round, over and over. Just when you feel like you have reached a point you are comfortable with or that the ride has ended...Nope, your wrong. Not only is it not over, its seems you are right back where you started.

Who doesn't love bumper cars? It's so much fun to ride around the track with your friends. Everyone looks so happy and you feel like you might look happy too but then....Surprise! Someone rams right into you and you didn't even see it coming. Blindsided by a stranger. Someone you have never even seen in your life. Blindsided by a new emotion that you didn't know you could have. A feeling so new its scary, it feels uncomfortable to feel it but its all you can do.

Yesterday, I had my nine week appointment. I was given the Doctor's name of whom I would be seeing. The name sounded familiar but I wasn't sure. Adam and I waited and he came walking in. I'm sure my eyes were bulging out of my head.

It was the doctor who delivered Brody.

He wasn't quite the gentle man that I had remembered. Had I made it up in my head? Had I imagined that while saving my life and delivering my stillborn baby that he was "the best doctor in the world". His bedside manner was off, different than I had remembered, his mannerisms in general weren't smooth, his voice wasn't as soothing. He wasn't the man I remembered.

But yet I stared at him. I stared so hard, as if...if I stared long and hard enough, I might go back. I might go back to the day. I might see Brody in my mind instead of Brody in the picture. I might hold him again. I might do things different.

He didn't remember me. I tried to remind him. "How could he forget?", I asked myself in my head. I wanted to scream at him. "What do you mean, you don't remember?" It was only 10 months ago. He was dead! How do you forget that?

I guess the rational part of me stepped in to remind myself that I was just another patient that almost died. I couldn't expect him to remember...but I did.

I found myself not even wanted to talk about this pregnancy and "the plan". I wanted to talk about Brody, I wanted to tell him all the details so he suddenly and magically would remember.

Even worse, when I told my friends and family who asked about my appointment....Nothing. It's gotten to that point. That point in grief that sucks so bad because your still there and everyone else thinks you here. They wanted to hear about the pregnancy, they wanted to hear everything was okay. I felt like Brody's memory was just floating away and that hurts.

Most days, I feel excited to go about life. I'm ready for that day at the amusement park. I'm ready for fun and excitement. I'm ready to ride all of the rides, no matter how scary they may seem.Yesterday, I felt like my day was all rained out, like all the rides were shut down, and everyone left me standing there in the rain.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

week 8

I have no real cravings to document this week, well, maybe bed. Everyday, I have felt like I ran a marathon, then went hiking and ended with a few laps in the Olympic pool. I've been nauseous, exhausted, and have had a headache nearly everyday...And I couldn't be more happy about all of it.
I must say. I have been feeling a little less crappy since I switched to the gummy vitamins. They don't cause as many headaches or as much nausea, not to mention, their like a tasty piece of candy
Growing a baby is hard work and I have chalked all these symptoms up to God. I think he knew he better give me every pregnancy symptom known to man...well to woman. You know, to ease my mind a bit. I mean, some days, I'm already a crazy mess, from worrying that I'm too exhausted to checking the toilet for blood every time I use the bathroom. I just hope He is gracious enough to give me a break when I reach my second trimester.

This week, the baby is the size of a Lima bean. However, judging by the size of my belly, I beg to differ. Last night before bed, Adam said to me "maybe we should start taking your belly pics soon". At first, I thought "Oh yes, great idea, how sweet and thoughtful for him to mention that" and then after I thought about it, I started to wonder if he was being generous or telling me that I was becoming quite the whale already. We started belly pics at 8 weeks with Brody so I know its something we should start doing soon. I think it will be fun to compare the size difference....maybe.

Emotionally, this week has been pretty sad. No particular reason. I just really miss Brody this week. It's not the emails that I keep getting reminding of how old he should be, it's not other babies around the age he should be, it's not even that I'm pregnant again. I just simply miss him.

I had my first panic attack in bed. I knew it would happen eventually during this pregnancy, I just didn't know it would be this soon. I was almost asleep and getting really comfy. And then it hit me. I was laying there in that exact same spot when Brody's heart stopped beating. I could feel my own heart going a mile a minute and I started finding it harder to breath. I wanted to get up, I wanted to sleep somewhere else but then I realized there was no reason to. The best thing for me and this baby was to try to relax. Take in where I had my last moments and kicks with Brody and just relax. I fell asleep quickly.

I knew when we started trying to conceive this new little life that it wouldn't be easy to be pregnant again. I knew my heart strings would be getting a work out and  that they would be tested day to day. It was something I was prepared for and something I prayed for.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


I wrote this shortly I found out and of course wanted to wait till I had made the announcement. I feel a bit differently today than I did when I wrote this but I still wanted to share some of my early fears. I will be posting later in the week about what has been going on in week 8...

Of course I won't be publishing this till after everyone knows but by now I have made the big announcement that we are EXPECTING!. I think now that word means more to me than it ever had before.


We are EXPECTING a baby, we are EXPECTING our lives to change, we are EXPECTING to bring home a healthy and breathing little baby.

I think I know pretty well that you can expect something and never actually get it.

Don't get me wrong, I am actively excited about being pregnant with Brody's brother or sister. I have went ahead and bought some cute clothes that in my opinion are going to look super adorable on a pregnant belly. I've done some serious brainstorming on how I want to decorate the room and how I want to do all the things that I had intended to do with Brody. You know, all those things that make me one of those "crazy moms" like cloth diapering and breastfeeding...gasp, I know, how will I ever survive?

But...there is another part of me, the part that gave birth to a sleeping baby 9 months ago, that EXPECTS something different too.

I never EXPECTED pregnancy to be this difficult. I swear I loved that little baby from the moment I read positive, but I find myself pushing away love at times, I find myself scared of loving too much but not being able to help it. Pregnancy after loss is HARD!

Every little thing is just a reminder of the baby you EXPECTED before, the ONLY memories you have of your baby that is gone. Every appointment, every craving, everything single feeling that you have is a feeling you've had before. A feeling that was new and exciting the first time around is now just a reminder of your empty arms. And I swear if I ever hear someone tell me that it will be okay because my arms will be filled with a new baby, I might sucker punch them and I am like the anti-violence queen.

I have so many fears and so many emotions that I can't compartmentalize them where they need to go in my mind. Are they rational or irrational, are they because my baby died or is it just pregnancy hormones getting the best of me?

My biggest fear and one no one seems to understand is. What if the baby inside me, growing more and more each day, is a boy!

I realize that there is a 50% chance of this happening and me putting these feelings out there leaves me pretty vulnerable to the fact that it just might happen, and that if it does, all of you will know my deepest and darkest fears. I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

My biggest fear is at that 17, 18, 19 week appointment( which ironically lands right on big brother's birthday) to determine the sex and I hear those words...again. It's a ...

What if that happens and it's like deja vu. What if from there on out every move he makes and every new face he shows us makes me think of what could have been? Would it be like a blessing to see or would it be like punch in the chest because we will never know for sure?

And then? What in the world am I gonna do at 30 weeks, God willing, I make it that far? I just picture myself laying in bed, bloodshot eyes, unable to sleep just waiting ever so "patiently" and EXPECTING  my placenta to abrupt. EXPECTING the pain that I will never, ever forget. EXPECTING to deliver a stillborn baby.

That's all I know. That is my normal. That is what I expect

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The 7th week

Okay folks, I have been trying to think of unique and creative ways to document this pregnancy and while I don't want to venture too far away from why I started the blog, I thought what better way to do so than on here.

I'm not ever going to stop thinking or writing about Brody. He is basically the reason why I live each day to the fullest. I want to make something pretty clear, getting pregnant again is and was never about replacing Brody, finishing something that I started, or even about "trying again". Being pregnant is about giving Brody a little brother or sister!

I know it's pretty difficult to understand if you haven't stood in my shoes, but its okay, that's why I am here. To help you all try to "get it", that is if you want to. I'm not naive, I know there are people out there who will never get it and don't want to even try to understand. I know there are people who doubt that my son ever existed, I know there are people who read my Facebook posts about him and scroll over them or even roll their eyes and block my posts. There are two things they don't understand. One, They never will completely "get it" unless it happens to them ( I pray it never does) and two, I don't care if they don't like it, I'm gonna keep posting about him.

Let me put it this way, if you are a parent, you know exactly how you would do anything for your children. There isn't a whole lot I can do for Brody except make him proud and keep his memory alive so that is precisely what I do.

Back to my main point.  I'm still going to be writing about Brody, probably more than what I think I'm going to but, I'm also going to try to post once a week about what is going on with little blueberry ( my nickname this week for baby, going with babycenter's genius fruit comparison for size).

So...week 7 has presented itself well...tons better than week 6. Week six was complete with nausea, a migraine that numbed the left side of my face, and lots and lots of fatigue.

Here is the scary part of being pregnant after a loss. When things aren't going well, you panic... When things are going well, you worry something is wrong. I can't believe I'm going to say this but...I think I'd rather be laying on my bathroom floor, curled around my toilet than worrying about why I am not getting sick. When your symptoms seem to disappear, you worry if your baby's heartbeat did as well.

White Chedder Popcorn seems to be giving me hope that everything is fine. This shall be called "craving of the week" section. I've never wanted something more in my life. Someone posted about it on Facebook last night and I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since. My mom, ever so generously brought me some today and I'm fairly certain may have to bring another bag tomorrow. :/ My keyboard may or may not be covered in white Cheddar at this very moment.

So this is my way of documenting baby Lukehart 2, something I regrettably didn't do enough of with B. I hope you enjoy!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Here we go...

I was gonna wait. I was gonna wait till the "right time". I was gonna wait to tell all of you the BIG news, but then I thought, why?

It's not like if something bad happens, I'm not gonna write about it. Lets face it, I'm an open book. I wear my emotions on the sleeves of the frog blog for all of you to see. Ups, downs, sad moments, happy days, tears, smiles and everything else. Plus, I know very well that waiting till your "in the clear" doesn't mean you in the clear.

So here it goes....It's seems as if we created more than just memories in Florida.... We are expecting, there I said it!

I just couldn't wait anymore, I was already telling everyone and they were telling everyone else plus if I were to wait, what else would I have to talk about on here? "It" is the only thing on my mind right now.

Ok...Ok...I will get to all the details that I know you all want to hear.

I found out the day after Mother's day. I felt...hmmm. How do I say...peculiar. Cloie, my dog, knew for days, following me around treating me like I was broken. As I lay in bed at 1pm staring at her with her head beside me staring back. I literally looked at her and said "okay, I will take the test".

She was right. I immediatly looked into the mirror, smiled, looked up and told Brody thank you for sending us his little brother or sister. I grabbed my camera and took the above picture. When Adam came home, I told him I had been messing with the camera and got some really awesome pictures today. I flipped through and when I stopped on this one, He said "Are you serious?" I shook my head with a grin and we hugged.

My due date is Janurary 21st but they plan on inducing early. I'm not sure how early yet, It depends on how things go.

I'm trying really really hard to take it one day at a time.

Some days I feel like this...

And others I feel like this....

I've already started blogging about my feelings or should we say my hormones taking over my feelings but I haven't posted yet...obviously, I wanted to wait till I announced the news that we were expecting.

It's been quite the journey already and I'm only half way through my first trimester. I've had 2 ultrasounds, 3 doctors appointments, 1 trip to emergency room, 1 scare, lots of preparing for the worst and some expecting the best ...and a hint of tears (okay, lots of tears).

Since Brody died, I've been trying to fight some of my biggest fears. So, I have went on a plane.. and well, thats about it but...I realized today that my biggest fear of all (being pregnant again) is not a fear I want to fight, I want to embrace it!

So there it is. Out in the open. So, join me on this new, exciting, and scary journey through my pregnancy after loss. And if you have a moment or two...Say some prayers. I will accept any and all.

Here we go...