The Sunday I will never forget

It was Sunday, August 21, 2011. I woke up with back pain. I had back pain even before I was pregnant so my first thought was that it was probably the way I slept. Second thought was "this is different, maybe I'm having contractions". I reached for my "WTEWYE" book and opened it up to Braxton Hicks contractions. I suddenly forgot how to read. I could see words but I couldn't read them. It was like looking at a book that was written in a foreign language. 

Adam woke up because of my moaning and said "It sounds like your dying, if it is that bad, we should go to the hospital". He then ran me a warm bath. I barely made it into the bathroom before I actually started having pain in my belly. I was hardly in the tub when I decided I needed to call someone. I called my friend who is a nurse and she told me to get to the hospital right away. 

In my head, I was thinking " I am just gonna have him early, that's all". The thought of losing him never really crossed my mind at that very minute even though it did everyday since I took the pregnancy test.  I don't know if it was my own pessimism, a mother's instinct, or just God's way of preparing me for the worst pain I would ever feel, but I had always had a thought in the back of my mind that I would never bring Brody home. I had tried to fantasise about holding him, breastfeeding him, or bringing him home but it never really felt right.

I went to the hospital closest to my home because I thought they would either stop my labor and send me home or if it was serious get me to my hospital in Pittsburgh to deliver. My belly was like a bolder, so hard and bigger than usual. Each nurse came in and took their turn at trying to find Brody's heartbeat. I was taken to ultrasound and I will never forget the stoned faces I stared at while realizing why they had nothing to say. At that second, a fog came over me. A numbness. I couldn't feel anything emotionally or physically. 

I waited for the Doctor on call to come in while watching my husband pace. The doctor came in and said "I don't have good news". His eyes were full of pain and sadness. Adam lost it. His pain was almost tangible, I felt like I could touch it. My first words were "It's okay, God knows what He is doing, Brody is with your mother". I began telling Adam who he needed to call. I apologized to the nurses for not crying. I told them I was not insensitive, I just couldn't cry. 

That is when the pain kicked back in with full force. The pain was so horrible that I can hardly remember it. I looked my mother in the eyes and asked her if I was going to die. I felt bad for caring about myself knowing my son was already gone. She promised me that I was not going to die, and I believed her. 

I remember talk of an emergency c-section and I cringed inside. I wanted to deliver Brody naturally even though his soul had already passed on. I wanted to avoid a c-section my entire pregnancy. I always wanted that special moment with him. 

I needed to get stable in order for them to send me to Magee in Pittsburgh. In no time, I was being transferred on to a gurney and being wheeled away. I refused the helicopter that the Doctor had waiting for me. I was to afraid to fly. Leave it to me to be afraid of something that could potentially save my life. The doctor wasn't thrilled but he understood my fears and let me take the ambulance. 

The ride to the hospital is a bit blurry. I remember looking at the machine with my vitals and thinking "Well, I am no doctor, but I know that is NOT good". I told the man who was with me, something was going on. I felt like I had peed myself. It was blood and I knew it, yet he told me it was okay. I was losing blood and fast. I remember feeling so bad for Adam, who was sitting up front. He had to listen to me scream in pain and couldn't do a dang thing. I kept asking how far away is my husband? How close is he? I didn't want him to hear me scream.

I arrived at the hospital and I remember several doctors and nurses were waiting for me, they rushed over and put me in a little room. I don't remember what they did there, where I was, or any faces. Just voices and pain. I kept screaming "Somebody please help me". No body seemed real, everybody was like a robot just running around me. The pain was unreal but for one minute it went away, I felt no pain. I thought to myself " Okay, this is good, I am just gonna take a little nap, I am just gonna close my eyes and go to sleep". Adam said he screamed "Her eyes are rolling back in her head, she stopped screaming". I don't remember what happened or what they did but I didn't "go to sleep". 

The next thing I remember was the anesthesiologist  coming in to give me an epidural. My pain finally subsided and then we had to wait. 

We kept waiting and waiting and before I knew it I was pushing. The doctor who delivered him said she never delivers in the ICU.  I pushed three or four times. I could hear " your doing great". I was thinking " what do they mean, I am just doing what I am supposed to do".  I delivered him at 7:09 PM. He was 2 pounds, 12 ounces, and 15 inches long.

"Do you want him on your chest, or do you want him cleaned up first?" "Cleaned up, please", I responded and caught a look out of the corner of my eye. For one small second, I thought he just might be breathing. That moment was so bitter sweet. I was holding my baby boy. He was beautiful. He looked just like his Daddy with my lips and Grandpa's nose. It took me a second to realize I was holding a lifeless body. I began rocking him in true "new mommy" form. I will never forget holding that angel in my arms. 


  1. What a beautiful angel!!! Your site is a beautiful tribute to Brody! Your writing/feelings have touched my heart and soul Tia!! You are a wonderful Mommy to Brody and a beautiful person to so many!! Love Cec

  2. This blog is truly a beautiful tribute to your precious Brody! Like you, I have gone through, and am still going through, the pain of loss. My 8-year-old son Jason passed away as the result of a congenital heart defect. In September, 2010, my 27-year-old son Adam was killed in an automobile accident. Some friends, who have also suffered the loss of a child, and I started a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends. It is a grief support group for parents, siblings, and grandparents who have experienced the loss of a child. We meet in the Spring Church/Apollo area and would welcome you to our group. Please contact me at if you would like more information. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and love with us! You have touched me deeply and will be in my prayers.

  3. Tia, I have chills reading your story. My son Maddox was stillborn on December 13, 2011, and I remember having the same feelings you described. I worried so much in the first trimester of my pregnancy that something would go wrong. Once I got to the second trimester I relaxed a bit, but I still had trouble imagining what life would be like with Maddox home. When my husband and I found out his heart had stopped beating, I didn't cry. I knew I still had work to do - I had to deliver and meet my son. When we drove home the morning he was born with an empty car seat base (my parents had thoughtfully removed the car seat itself) and I got home to a baby-less house, I lost it. All along though, God was with him and he has been ever since. I'm glad you have Him in your life. Thanks for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Sincerely, Amanda

  4. What a beautiful angel baby. This site is am amazing tribute to your special little boy. Hugs.

  5. I'm a 29 year old male who has never had a child, never caused a pregnancy. But I am crying right now. What a beautiful tribute.