Friday, July 27, 2012

when it rains...

I remember asking someone, a doctor or a nurse. I can't recall now which, I remember asking something like " How long will I be in this much pain?" This was before I was given the epidural.

Their response was as polite and as nice as possible. "Usually, in this type of situation, after the baby is out, the symptoms will slowly go away".

I had forgotten about that conversation until last night while I was lying in bed, listening to the rain hit my air conditioner in my bedroom window. Other memories starting pouring in just as fast as the rain was coming down. Ones that I had forgot or just pushed away. I tried to push them more but I felt exhausted, like I couldn't do it anymore or maybe I just wanted to return so badly to that day when all the pain wasn't just memories, it was real and I was living it.

Ironically, almost a year later, remembering that very conversation and that pain? It had returned. Not the physical pain of my contracting uterus preparing itself to deliver a sleeping baby or my whole body aching because I couldn't control my shaking due to the amount of blood I lost. No. This pain was, in a way, even deeper. This pain was thinking about how oblivious I was in that moment as to the hurt that the next year would bring. Totally in the dark about the zombie like trance I would be in, even in times when the day seemed promising, the sun was shining, and I was smiling. This pain was throwing flashbacks at me so fast that I couldn't close my eyes or lay my head down on my pillow. It felt like my soul was being ripped out of me and my heart had been set on fire.

It was raining the day his heart stopped beating and why wouldn't it be? It was dreary and dark, just like the situation. I remember for a split second, while I was screaming and yelling in the back of the ambulance, thinking... I hope they aren't going too fast because its raining and I didn't want to wreck.

Maybe it was the rain or maybe its that August 21st is creeping up so fast that before I know it, it will be here. Staring me in the face. What if I want to hold onto it again? Or what if the day comes and I become unable to function at all?

I felt tears streaming down my face and I tried to stop them and then another flashback came. I was still in the ICU. I always say I didn't cry much that first day and I remember why now. I kept stopping myself. I was being monitored and every time I would start to cry, the beeping became louder and louder as I watched my heart rate increase. A nurse would peek around to make sure I was okay, so I started to just stop myself for no reason really. I already knew Brody was gone. Obviously, I had cried before and it never killed me so I knew it wasn't putting me in any real danger, I just kept stopping myself.

I often refer to that day as the best and worst day of my life. Last night and today for that matter, I'm trying to figure out why I organize it in the "best days" files in my brain. Today, it just lost somewhere up there, stuck somewhere between "did that seriously happen" and "why".

Sometimes I just sit and think about my entire life. Almost 30 years of it. I think about the best moments and the worst, accomplishments, failures, I think about times that I made mistakes and times that I was proud of myself, things I would want to change but truly wouldn't because it got me to where I am today. And through it all, not once did I ever imagine that I would be here today writing about the day my son died. Not once.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Week 13

Hi All!

Week 13 came and went...pretty smoothly actually. I ordered an at home fetal heart doppler to monitor the baby's heartbeat. It is like the ones they use in the doctor's office. When I first found out I was pregnant, I mentioned getting one to my doctor. I think she frowned upon the idea because she thought it might cause me unnecessary anxiety if I was unable to find the heartbeat.

I watched a few YouTube videos and talked to some friends who have used them during their pregnancies and decided that if others can do it, so could I.

I 'm happy to report that I have had zero trouble finding the heartbeat and I use it twice a day. Once before bed and once in the morning. I guess its no secret that I feel the most anxious around bedtime because that is probably when Brody's heart stopped beating. So to hear that little and not so slow heartbeat in the morning is enough to make this mommy feel tons better.

I did actually shed some tears last week and this week too. Brody was on my mind a lot. They say every pregnancy is different and not to compare but sometimes the need to compare is overwhelming.

Adam says I glamorize my pregnancy with Brody and maybe I do but its totally subconsciously. To me, it was perfect, he was perfect. I feel like I never complained and I was always glowing. I know, I'm probably exaggerating but I really feel like that's the way I remember it to be and so that is the way it will remain in my mind.

Every new ache or pain, digestion issue, food or music aversion (yes, pregnancy gives me music aversions) Music aversion with Brody was Peter Frampton. The sound of that device he uses to make his voice sound robotic drove me crazy and not in a good way. This time, its basically anything by ACDC and of course anything that I can't understand the words to, such as any mainstream music or hip hop (which I sorta have an aversion to without pregnancy hormones) So, these days, I'm basically listening to strictly oldies, it really helps to reduce any stress that I'm feeling...Anyway, I always say "this never happened with Brody" and Adam gives me the look. You know, raises his eyebrows, tilts his head a bit and says "Tia, yes it did". My response is always "well, I don't remember that".

Here is week 13 belly pic. I was going to upload my 13 week belly pic of when I was pregnant with Brody just for another comparison, but its a picture of my naked belly and a small bit of a boob shot. Adam has clearly gained some experience with taking pictures. 

 Here is Regan's drawing for week 13. I'm seen using my trusty doppler with a smile and a heartbeat of 160, which is usually where it is most of the time. I did substitute again last week with what to expect when your expecting's size comparison because baby center's medium shrimp just didn't sit right with me. I don't know, I've never been big on sea food.

Anyway, This week officially marks my second trimester and right now I am 14 weeks. I cannot believe I'm here but I'm so happy about it. I will be back next week to tell you all about it or maybe even sooner!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Week 12 update

Week 12 consisted of some ups and downs. Mostly ups, as my excitement is increasing every day about this little one. When I was pregnant with Brody, I think I took the miracle of being pregnant for granted at some points. I didn't actually soak up how amazing the process really is. I didn't grasp completely the blessing that I was enduring and how God had planned out every second of the pure joy and pure agony that I was about to hold in my arms. I was stunned at the baby jumping on my bladder and kicking at my ribs but the whole thing just seemed so natural to me.

This time, I get it! I mean, I really am beside myself sometimes at the miraculous things that God has done in my life. Everything fits together now. I know, your thinking, It takes your son dying for you to realize God plans everything? And no, that's not the case at all. I have, for the most part, always believed God existed. Its just now that I have this investment in Heaven (Brody), my relationship with God not only exists, it shapes me. Its so personal. I feel Brody around me all of the time and I can especially feel him smiling when I smile about touching my belly. He is happy and both God and him can see that I see how things are coming along and my puzzle is coming together.

For example, I don't find it the least bit coincidental that I will be exactly 18 weeks on Brody's birthday. 18 weeks is when my hospital does their anatomy ultrasounds. I have it scheduled and ready to go. I have been fearing that day all year. Now, I think I've been given something to lessen the blow. I'm not promising zero tears and a day free of heartache but I will know for sure that my son is looking down that day smiling and I think that might just be enough to help me survive that day.

With all that said, I find myself trusting that even if things don't go as planned, I know its what is right. Last Tuesday, I started having pains in my back and in my lower belly. I knew it wasn't getting better and decided to tell Adam we should probably make the trip to the ER. The drive takes about an hour for us but that detail becomes insignificant when you think the life of your baby is in danger. We arrived and the first thing they did was check for a heartbeat with the doppler. They found it right away and I could see the color return to my husband's face as he reached for my hand. He was more worried than me. As always, I was prepared to hear the worst, but happy to hear that heart beat.

They went on to do an ultrasound and found a cyst that had ruptured on my ovary. This isn't anything new for me. My ovaries and I haven't been on the best of terms since I was a teenager. The cyst was small and the doctors didn't seem very concerned with removing it or anything drastic. They expected it to fully rupture and the pain to subside, which it did.

The whole ER trip was really the only down of the week.

Ups consisted of mostly food, as usual. Another family picnic with lots of yummy deliciousness.

Ive been completely obsessed with orange juice. With Brody, it was lemonade but this one seriously loves orange juice....and cucumbers. Healthy cravings at that. The baby was the size of a lime. Just an FYI. These sizes mean from head to rump, not including arms and legs, which are constantly moving like crazy in there. At a certain point in pregnancy ( I forget which week right now) the length will start to be measured in its entirety( including arms and legs).

Anyway, Here is week 12 belly pic.

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekly updates as much as I am. :) Can you believe it? Just this week to go and I will officially be in my second trimester! Amazing.

Monday, July 16, 2012

No cake for me

I'm a little behind on weekly updates...I know. I will hopefully have week 12 posted tomorrow. I'm currently in my 13th week as of today though.

There is so much on my mind today. I'm getting increasingly excited about possibly bringing home a baby, however I'm noticing some changes in myself that aren't

I feel like I'm just never satisfied. I just have to realize that I can't have my cake and eat it too, so to speak.

I've noticed a few family members and friends who aren't exactly excited for me. I mean, lets face it, I have lost some friends along the way, but some just seem down right strange when I talk about this baby. They avoid the subject completely or change it very quickly. I've come to a few conclusions in my mind. They are either A) just not excited or B) scared to death. My mom reminded me that I did almost die last time I was pregnant so I guess that could be the reason why they are so apprehensive about their excitement.

And then....There is this other side of me ( the side that wants to eat the cake too), who wonders why everyone else is so dang excited...I mean, don't they realize I almost died last time I was pregnant? They want to touch my belly and I kindly push their hands away. It's not because it creeps me out. I want to want them to be all weird and oooeeyy goooey while they rub my belly but there is part of me that has put up this protective wall, possibly, as if I'm saying "come on now, don't get too attached here...we all know what happened last time".

How do I want everyone to react when I don't even know how to react myself. I can't even look at an active driving ambulance without flashing back to me screaming in the back of one, losing blood as fast as I seemed to be losing my mind. I'm not "over it" and I never will be so how can I expect others to react "accordingly". I can't.

 I wanted to slap the lady beside me at the the blood lab today who ever so kindly and not so under her breath said " I'm glad all these pregnant women aren't contagious, I'm so glad I'm done having kids, I'm so sick of them". Didn't she realize what a blessing she had? I quickly turned to the faces of the other pregnant women in the room ,who didn't seem as offended as I was.

I suppose this is just another little reminder that it's never going to be all better. I'm well aware that if God willing, I get to give birth to a breathing baby, it is possible that the first time I look into his or her eyes, the first thought in my mind just might be that I never got to look into Brody's.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Week 11

Hello All. Things are looking up around here compared to last week. Week 11 was full of excitement and happiness.

I think I actually made it through the whole week without crying. That is a new milestone for baby Lukehart #2 and I.

I mentioned in the last post that we had another appointment and got another ultrasound. I will never complain about how many appointments and ultrasounds that I'm getting.The more I can be reassured that my little blueberry is growing strong, the better! Baby was giving us quite a little show. That made me feel so much better and I realized week 11 was going to be much better than week 10.

We didn't even make any ER visits in week 11. Week 12 is a different story, which I will talk about next week. Everything is okay though so no worries!

At this point, I'm in a little bit of shock that I'm actually 12 weeks into this pregnancy. We have made it so far already and each week I hit is a new milestone for us and another week spent with this precious miracle.

This is week 11's belly pic, turned black and white based completely on the fact that I didn't feel like blow drying my hair or putting on makeup that day.

Here is another one before attending a family picnic on Saturday. Picnics are fun when your pregnant! Food is pretty much the one indulgence that is absolutely necessary during pregnancy so I always try to really take advantage of that fact, hence the huge smile on my face.

And last but not least, the weekly fruit/veggie picture. The baby was the size of a fig in week 11
and mommy was happy!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Week 10

Phewww, Week 10 was emotionally draining. I'm so blessed to get through and and be in week 11.

My heart was the heaviest it has ever been. Just thinking about Brody made me cry. Not one tear, several tears pouring down my face. I thought I had gotten to a place that made me smile when I thought of my little one, looking down on me from Heaven. My hormones took a hold of me and kicked my butt!

All the emotions made me harbor some anger too. I was brutally honest and well, at points down right mean. I had to gather up my thoughts and think about why my moods were so erratic.

My stress level was through the roof. I was worrying about worrying and it was dwindling me down to nothing. There were moments I thought the baby was gone for sure. I had talked myself into it and prepared myself to hear the worst.

One day I woke up and all my symptoms of early pregnancy were gone. The thought of nearing my second trimester never really occurred to me. My doctor assured me that I was okay and to really embrace my new desire to eat and my new found energy.

I have officially named week 10 the hardest week so far but I have to say...Week 11 is looking like it might be the best!

While I was down and out the majority of the week, there were a few ups...One...First belly pic! woooohoooo

Yes, I'm totally aware of how fake this smile looks. Let me assure everyone that it really is. Please don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy to have this growing miracle inside but I'm also stressed beyond belief about what the future holds or doesn't hold, stuffed full of worry and if you look close, I think you can see fear seeping out of my pores.

Stay tuned for week 11 belly picture though. I can almost guarantee a REAL SMILE this week! :)

Like I promised, here is week 10's picture drawn by my incredibly talented BFF, Regan. Yea, It pretty much sums it up. Baby was the size a prune.

And the last picture I have to share and probably my favorite is....This wonderful and amazing ultrasound picture. To be honest, this actually took place in week 11 but it was the single most important thing to me in the last 7 or 8 days. I tried a calming bath, I tried putting my feet up to relax, I tried my favorite foods, I tried talking to my best friend and my mom. Nothing could help me shake the anxiety except for seeing and hearing that heartbeat yesterday.
It was absolutely incredible. I cried tears of joy and literally couldn't stop staring in amazement as I watch Brody's sister or brother move around like he/she was practicing the dance routine for us. I could feel the weight remove from my shoulders and I could breath again.

When we got to the car, I told Adam "wow, we really have a mover and a shaker". He said I think he was dancing to "Stayin Alive, Stayin Alive...ah ah ah ah, Staying Alive". It made me laugh. My first laugh in a while.

So that is week 10 in a pun intended.

I'm excited for what week 11 holds and to share it with all of you.