Thursday, August 30, 2012

18 week update

We are moving right along, it seems. I'm 19 weeks as I type this. Almost half way and I just simply cannot believe we have got so far so fast. I feel like we just found out yesterday.

The 18th week started out a little shaky as I was preparing to celebrate Brody's birthday in heaven. Is celebrate the right word here? Probably not.

August 21st has shook me to the very core. It was so many things to me. It was the day he was born, it was the day he died. It was the day the old me left, just walked right out the door, never to be seen again. I in that sense, died with him that day.

But it was more. It was the day I started actually really living, the day the clouds opened up and I knew God was watching and I saw him, I felt him...all around me. It was the day joy started being joyous and sadness started being devastating. It was the day I became the me I am now.

Just as I had suspected, August 21st came and it was not nearly as dreadful as I thought it was going to be. Adam took the day off of work and we talked about our son.

As you all know, it was also the day we found out about our little Isaac.

Week 18 turned into the best week thus far. Full of smiles and congratulations, full of honoring and remembering. Full of total and complete joy and excitement for Brody's little brother.

Regan's drawing for this week is me holding one blue balloon representing Isaac and one Happy Birthday balloon for Brody. Isaac was the size of a bell pepper, from crown to rump. And that is a genuine smile on my face.

Isaac in some ways seems to take after his brother, hating seat belts and anything near "his space". Just like Brody, always kicking when mommy lays down to nap or sleep. It is what puts me to sleep, so calming for me. In other ways, he is opposite and his own person. I love them both so much!

Sorry about the bottom of this picture, I'm not sure what is going on.

Are my days of sobbing and crying over? I'm guessing not but I do know that after August 21st came to an end, I woke up full of life. Literally. The life inside and the life I lost. My heart is full of life and love for both of my boys.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My two boys

Brody and Isaac. Isaac and Brody. I'm sure the rest of life will consist of me loving them both the same but  loving them both very differently. Not one more, not one less...just differently.

I have read several baby loss blogs, I've talked to many women who have lost at different stages. Some that I have emailed in the middle of the night searching for hope and some emailing me to tell me about the hope that I have given them. It's like a family. It's like a sisterhood.

So when I started reading about other other moms who have lost and then went on to get pregnant like myself, I read a lot about others asking them if this was their first child. I never really thought twice about that question and how loaded it was. And I especially never thought that anyone would ask me THAT question. How silly of me. Did I forget how many times I was asked when I was pregnant with Brody? And always answered with a smiling "Yes".

It's practically inevitable. There is probably a secret procedure for nosey strangers. "oh, how far along are you?"   

You answer

"Awe, is this your first?"

You answer, and it goes one of two ways

a) They change the subject or try to cover it up with something like "well, at least you will have this precious baby in your arms"
b) They are sympathetic, they say they are sorry to hear and they wish you the best with this pregnancy.

"my two boys", I said in my head last night when I was asked THE question, or maybe I said it out loud. I can't recall at this moment.

I always get this voice in my head. The voice I used a year ago to promise myself to NEVER let his memory die or deny him and to ALWAYS speak his name. "Tell them about him", it says.

This is how I will parent my two boys. Very differently but with so much love.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

It's a ...

I'm sorry it took so long to get this posted but here it is...

As planned, Adam and I drove down to our hospital early morning on Brody's birthday. I prayed myself to sleep the night before. I prayed for a good day, I didn't expect a great a one, I just wanted it to be peaceful.

I woke with peace and joy, hand in hand and I said "thank you"

Upon arrival, we waited a long time for the ultrasound. The hospital was especially busy that day and the thought that I was there one year before fighting for my life as I watched my son's life slip away had not occurred to me.

I didn't forget, I just was at peace.

As we watched our baby stretch and bounce around on the screen, my first question was about the heart. "are there any heart defects", I asked. "No, the four chambers are pumping great and are all in place". I felt relieved. Everything was looking perfect and in my head I compared it to Brody's anatomy ultrasound which was much shorter and less thorough.

We looked away as she determined the gender and wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in the envelope that we gave her.

I went the entire day with that envelope in my purse. I usually hate surprises but the anticipation made my heart feel good that day. Adam and I had lunch and talked about Brody and guessed if he would be getting a brother or sister.

We then took the envelope to a gift store where a friend of mine took care of the rest for us. She filled the box that we provided with pink or blue balloons and one special "Happy Birthday" balloon for Brody.

Our family and friends started arriving and I was getting excited. We opened up and out flew blue balloons. Brody's balloon stayed in till last and floated away slowly.

I'm not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat when I saw blue. I needed a minute to let it soak in but everyone was around so I smiled. And, just look at my husband's face. He was glowing with pride.

I knew Adam saw my confusion. I didn't know what to think. So, he did what he does best and tried to make me laugh...

I then announced that his name would be Isaac Michael.

After our company left and I had time to reflect, my reflection turned into pure exhaustion as our day was so busy as was my mind. I drifted off to sleep...
And I woke up in LOVE!
I went to sleep confused as to how I could love both of my boys, how could I share the love I have for Brody with Isaac. Well, somewhere in dreamland, I figured it out and my hesitation about getting close to Isaac flew right out my bedroom window.
I was also surprised to wake to news about a hurricane heading towards Florida. Southern Florida, where we had conceived...its name was Isaac! I said a prayer that everyone would be safe and unharmed and then I smiled.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

week 17 update

Hello All, I know I promised to post about the gender reveal first but I wanted to get ahead on updates before I did that.

As I mentioned in the last post, week 17 presented a few issues and scares.

Without sharing TMI that will scare you all away, I was having some issues keeping my pee in my bladder where it belonged. I was also having pain, which made me call my Dr. immediately.

I went to the local ER clinic to have a urinalysis done and they sent me to Magee ER, which scared the crap out of me...and Adam.

So we drove down to Magee only to get told that I indeed had a UTI. What a relief that was!

I woke the next morning with other "issues", which yielded another call to my Dr. She told me to please get back down to Magee, she thought there was a possibility of me leaking some amniotic fluid. I cried,  I mean, I thought things were going to get serious really fast.

I tried really hard to remain calm in the waiting room but deep down I was fearing the worst. When I was taken back into the same familiar room that I usually get put into, I noticed something different. I put my purse down on the chair that Adam usually sits in and stared.

This was sitting on the decorative mirror where usually just a box of tissue sits. I'm not exaggerating or making it up when I say that when I saw this, I literally knew everything was going to be okay. I knew it was my sign from Brody. One that I hadn't even asked for. Did I mention how amazing my little boy is?

It turned out that I had not only a UTI but another kind of infection that is pretty common but can cause preterm labor so I was put on a few baby safe antibiotics and sent home to drink gallons of water and rest.

so here is week 17 picture of me at Magee, where I thought I might just as well rent a room for the next 20 or so weeks. Enjoying my main craving now a days...Pasta. Any kind really. Stuffed shells, lasagna, Spaghetti. You name it, I crave it. Next on my pasta smorgasbord....tortellinis.

The baby was the size of a turnip from head to rump.

I will try to get the gender reveal photos and announcement up asap. I know you are all on the edge of your seat, unless your my friend on facebook and you are already sick of me posting about it. haha

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Week 16 Update

Oh boy, I'm really behind. I'm writing my 16 week update and I will be 18 weeks in a few days.

I have no excuse...maybe this will help.
This was week 16 drawing and I'm sure, if you read the last post that you were expecting something like this. That post pretty much sums up the week.

Here is the 16 week belly picture. This was directly after a delicious at Texas Roadhouse followed by their amazing apple pie. It comes out sizzling and covered in ice cream. Its enough to put a smile on a emotionally, hormonal, and irritable pregnant girl's face.

Maggie, one of my black labs decided she would not be happy if she was not included in at least one picture so for your viewing pleasure...I would like to introduce Maggie. My slightly insane but very lovable dog Maggie. Cloie, the other side of the terrible twosome was in the living room trying very hard to pretend she wasn't the least bit jealous.

Since, I didn't want to leave Cloie out and also because I don't want every post to be about how sad I was and how much I cried....Also introducing Cloie, my super smart, very intuitive, hyperactive dog.

This is her. At the time, I thought she just wanted to just hang out with the baby but in true Cloie fashion, she was trying to tell me something was wrong. Which I will talk about in my week 17 update post. I hope to have that posted asap.

Next week...

Can you feel the excitement? Before I post an update on week 18, I will be posting a very special post...Baby Boy or Baby Girl! I can't believe it is time already and I'm pretty excited about it.

Till next time.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

right back where I started

Have you ever been driving along, approaching a stop light, only to realize that the car behind you has no intention of stopping?

It happened today, the car never hit me but it made me realize, that that is exactly how I feel right now.

August 21st is approaching fast. Ive come to the stop light and in my rear view all I see is the memory of my dead baby getting ready to hit me...hard!

I'm not gonna sugar coat it...I'm miserable. I said it.

I'm there. I'm right back where it started

It might as well be August 23d of 2011. He is all I can think about.

All my strength that I had or thought I had has simply been misplaced among the mess that has been left behind.

I'm crying gut wrenching cries again and occasionally letting the word "why" slip out of my lips from under my breath, who am I kidding, I screamed it!

I'm there! If there is here, I'm totally lost. I don't know me anymore.

I'm different, I always will be.

I feel like its weeks after Brody's death and people are repeating insensitivity to me again. They think this baby will take all of my pain away. They are wrong.

I get that not everyone understands and I know this will be approximately the 154th time I said that, but cheese and rice, cant they just try to think about it before they stick yet another dagger in my heart.

I could spell it all out for everyone who hurts me. I could ask them to imagine kicking, hiccups, and real true love for eight months. I could ask them to imagine life inside of them and how it would feel to deliver death. I could ask them to think about burying their child and then ask if they are going to have another...but I don't. If I can refrain from doing that, why can't they refrain from making me feel like a puddle of nothingness?

I love this baby but hearing it's heartbeat, finding out if it is a boy or girl, or even just knowing that it is alive inside of me does not bring Brody back. THAT still hurts like Hell!

The songs that I used to listen to about loss are just as hard as they used to be, only now there is a sense of comfort hidden them because they put me closer to Brody somehow.

I walk through my house with my head down, tears in my eyes. Damn near the place of wishing that this all had never happened. That I didn't have small frogs everywhere in memoriam, that a picture of my son's dead body wasn't framed in my living room, that a heart shaped piece of wood wasn't on my wall with his name carved in it. I wake up wishing that the last year had just been a BAD nightmare from the night before and that this pregnancy could be as naive and innocent as the millions of other expecting women in the world.

I was frightened with the thought of writing Brody's obituary, but I made it through. I dreaded his due date approaching, but I did the balloon release with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Heck, I even dressed up for Halloween that day and forced myself to a party. The shower date came and went almost like I hadn't thought of it at all. I feared setting Brody's headstone. I thought "seeing it in stone" would make me absolutely be the worst feeling ever. I did it and it gave me peace in knowing he was no longer the only one at the cemetery without one anymore.

THIS seems bigger. One year. The angelversary.

Dear God, let the preparation for this day be worse than the actual day itself. Dear God, give me the strength to get through these next few weeks because I lost my strength somewhere. I need you. Please be as present as you were one year ago. Amen

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

week 15 update

Week 15 was quite the hormonal roller coaster. Actually, I feel like since I hit the second trimester, the hormones have taken over my body and mind. I don't even feel like myself (whoever that person used to be anyway).

I generally have no desire to socialize with anyone except for my husband, I force myself to shower and make myself presentable, and the only thing that can really make me smile is listening to the baby's heartbeat and even that sometimes feels like I'm just getting excited for no reason.

I listen to everyone around me say " Tia, you will bring home a baby this time", I truly want to look at them and tell them to shut up. I know that sounds so mean and cruel. I know they are all being kind and trying to comfort me but I'm at that place right now,  place they call "No one understands". I picture it as a vacant building with flashing lights( most of the lights don't work or they are flickering), its down a dark alley and no one (except for other baby loss mom's) have ever been there. Other people know its there, they whisper about it, but God forbid they walk by and try to help because they simply...Don't understand. Or they think they are trying to help but they have never been there so they just know so they just end up making you feel worse.

I'm sure this is all just part of me being pregnant and going through lots of changes all while mourning my son. I keep reminding myself that what I'm feeling is all okay. What feels right to feel... is right to feel. I continuously tell other mothers who have lost that very same thing yet I somehow get lost and forget that my advice goes for myself as well.

Anyway, besides all of that, everything is going very well with Baby. I'm reassured at every appointment that everything looks and sounds great.

Physically, my only big complaint is migraines. I hate even saying that I have a complaint. Other than those, I'm eating a ton of food. I'm hungry all of the time. I'm really trying not to overdo it ( that's a lie) But I'm actually not gaining a ton of weight. I'm still not at the weight I was when I  I found out I was pregnant with Brody!

Here is 15 week belly picture from a new angle. I have to say, I'm carrying this baby a lot different than I carried Brody. I know, I know...say it..."Every pregnancy is different". I'm wearing maternity strictly for comfort but I'm still able to wear all of my pants and shorts and I'm 4 months! The baby is just a lot higher this time, which means I should be feeling out of breath and like my ribs are being stomped on a lot sooner! Super! :)

Here is Regan's drawing for week 15, pretty much sums it up! And it pretty much sums up week 16 so far too. Baby was the size of an apple but I'm thinking a large apple because Baby Center says it's measuring about 4-4 1/2 inches!

We are starting to have some real agreements on names so in just 2 short weeks, hopefully I can tell you exactly who is growing inside of my belly.

Keep on growin Baby girl...or boy!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

week 14

Hi All!

Last week marked a huge milestone, Second trimester!

I don't say huge milestone because, statistically, my chance of miscarriage has reduced by 90%, because we all know how I feel about statistics. I say huge milestone because I cannot believe we have made it this far. I'm starting to look pregnant and that is blessing for sure, however it does play a part in the sadness that lurks around in the back of my mind.I got my burst of energy last week as well, which I was super excited about.

I'm looking in the mirror these days, at my growing belly and thinking..."I can't believe I'm pregnant". Its cool to see, its cool to touch and admire but then my thoughts instantaneously jump to "I did this all before".

Here is my 14 week belly pic. The horizontal lines really make the belly pop so I tend to wear them a lot!

Here is the drawing for week 14.
Baby was the size of a lemon, from crown to rump. I'm celebrating reaching the second trimester.

Honestly, I don't have a lot to say about last week. I think I feel a bit guilty because when I should have been celebrating like I was in the drawing, I was feeling very down and sad and missing Brody an awful lot.