Thursday, August 9, 2012

right back where I started

Have you ever been driving along, approaching a stop light, only to realize that the car behind you has no intention of stopping?

It happened today, the car never hit me but it made me realize, that that is exactly how I feel right now.

August 21st is approaching fast. Ive come to the stop light and in my rear view all I see is the memory of my dead baby getting ready to hit me...hard!

I'm not gonna sugar coat it...I'm miserable. I said it.

I'm there. I'm right back where it started

It might as well be August 23d of 2011. He is all I can think about.

All my strength that I had or thought I had has simply been misplaced among the mess that has been left behind.

I'm crying gut wrenching cries again and occasionally letting the word "why" slip out of my lips from under my breath, who am I kidding, I screamed it!

I'm there! If there is here, I'm totally lost. I don't know me anymore.

I'm different, I always will be.

I feel like its weeks after Brody's death and people are repeating insensitivity to me again. They think this baby will take all of my pain away. They are wrong.

I get that not everyone understands and I know this will be approximately the 154th time I said that, but cheese and rice, cant they just try to think about it before they stick yet another dagger in my heart.

I could spell it all out for everyone who hurts me. I could ask them to imagine kicking, hiccups, and real true love for eight months. I could ask them to imagine life inside of them and how it would feel to deliver death. I could ask them to think about burying their child and then ask if they are going to have another...but I don't. If I can refrain from doing that, why can't they refrain from making me feel like a puddle of nothingness?

I love this baby but hearing it's heartbeat, finding out if it is a boy or girl, or even just knowing that it is alive inside of me does not bring Brody back. THAT still hurts like Hell!

The songs that I used to listen to about loss are just as hard as they used to be, only now there is a sense of comfort hidden them because they put me closer to Brody somehow.

I walk through my house with my head down, tears in my eyes. Damn near the place of wishing that this all had never happened. That I didn't have small frogs everywhere in memoriam, that a picture of my son's dead body wasn't framed in my living room, that a heart shaped piece of wood wasn't on my wall with his name carved in it. I wake up wishing that the last year had just been a BAD nightmare from the night before and that this pregnancy could be as naive and innocent as the millions of other expecting women in the world.

I was frightened with the thought of writing Brody's obituary, but I made it through. I dreaded his due date approaching, but I did the balloon release with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Heck, I even dressed up for Halloween that day and forced myself to a party. The shower date came and went almost like I hadn't thought of it at all. I feared setting Brody's headstone. I thought "seeing it in stone" would make me absolutely be the worst feeling ever. I did it and it gave me peace in knowing he was no longer the only one at the cemetery without one anymore.

THIS seems bigger. One year. The angelversary.

Dear God, let the preparation for this day be worse than the actual day itself. Dear God, give me the strength to get through these next few weeks because I lost my strength somewhere. I need you. Please be as present as you were one year ago. Amen


  1. Thinking of you and praying for peace... And feeling ya on every single emotion... Can't believe it's been a year...

  2. The emotions leading to the 1st anniversary was so hard for me too. Your wording ring so true. I'll be thinking of you and Brody.

  3. I wish there was something that I could say or do that would shield you from some of this pain. You are stronger than you let yourself believe. We all see that.

  4. I have been trying to wrap my head around another baby and what it will mean for our family dynamic. How will we feel and how will Easton fit in? Well, it hit me like a ton of bricks, my family pictures will always be missing someone. When I get my kids ready for school, I'll be missing him and thinking I should have one more to get ready for school. I think people fail to realize this. My son cannot be replaced, he was a little boy and I had a bond with him. Anyone that can't understand that needs a lesson in compassion.

    It's hard and we are knocked down easily sometimes, but what makes us great moms is we keep on fighting. We get back up. You are a great mom and Brody has a big job of watching over his brother/sister ahead of him. I'm sure he's looking forward to it as much as you are.

    Praying for peace for you my friend.

  5. I'm so very sorry. I know these feelings all too well. It'll be 33 months tomorrow that I lost my son and I go through this every month and from tomorrow through the rest of the year (his bday is in September and angelversary in November) just plain suck.

    I can tell you that the anticipation of the day has always been much worse for me than the actual days. I hope this is the case for you.

    Praying for you always. Big (((HUGS))) Mama!