Wednesday, December 14, 2011

hmmm, what to wear?

Everyday, women everywhere choose what to wear that day. It may be deciding on what to wear to work or just deciding what clothes are most comfortable to lounge around in.

Everyday, I feel like I'm going to a big event and I have to make a choice. Will I wear the bright polka dot dress or the old faithful black dress? The event is life and the choice isn't always easy. 

The bright polka dot dress is so positive and joyful. The accessories include nothing but a smile. It has become that dress that you see and love but just know it looks better on the model and your body shape and size could never pull it off. I wore it the entire time I was pregnant and I never wondered how it looked because I knew it made me feel beautiful and that is all that mattered. The polka dot dress has a bright outlook into the future and welcomes the thought of future children with open arms and an open heart.

The black dress is dark and dreary. It's comfortable and sad, but it draws you in. On the outside, it really just looks like a regular LBD but the appearance is very deceiving. It may look like it pulls you in in all the right places and hides all the flaws but underneath you are still out of shape, you are still grieving. There are times I try on the polka dot dress, dance around in it for a little but find myself feeling guilty for trying and I know it just isn't going to work that day. The sadness becomes like a vacuum, sucking me in, and not giving up on the fight. Those are times that I know I have fought too long, I've been smiling and staying positive for a week now and it has somehow weakened my soul. I miss the tears and I miss my son and I just want to let it all out. 

On Saturday, I put on a literal black dress and attended my husband's company Christmas party.  I'm sure we appeared like things were getting back to normal for us, but Brody was on my mind the entire evening. His necklace was around my neck and his name etched in my heart. Adam wore the pants that he wore the day we buried Brody.
For the first time, we encountered someone who knew we were pregnant but had no idea that Brody was gone. From across the way, he shouted the the four words I have been dreading to hear for months..."How is the baby?" I looked at my husband, we were both searching for an answer and wondering what was appropriate to shout out loud without offending anyone around. Adam answered "It's a long story", The guy just looked at us. I lowered my head and walked away. I don't know what he thought to himself or if he figured it out in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to tell him that our baby was home with his Grandma babysitting him and this was Mommy and Daddy's first night out without him.

Everyday, I make a choice. Usually I am very positive and I know life is too precious to give up on, so I put on the polka dot dress and I wear it with pride. It does get uncomfortable and I tug at it and I adjust the length. There are moments I wish I would have put on the black dress instead but I know this bright colored one will take me places the black dress will not.

I'm almost four months in now and I cannot tell you things are better, but I can say it is getting easier to live with the unanswered questions that I know I will never have an answer to. Good days come more often and my tears are less abundant. There are still days that make me think that being pregnant for almost eight months and not having a baby in your arms is kinda like getting all dressed and having no where to go.

No comments:

Post a Comment