Thursday, December 8, 2011

Freddy has nothing on Pregnancy

Ever since I can remember, I've had a total irrational fear of Freddy Krueger. Yes, I realize that I'm coming up on thirty years of age, but till this day, if I see a costume or even see the movie on the guide channel on t.v., I quickly turn away and remind myself that it is only Robert Englund doing his job. My mother can attest to many a sleepless nights due to this character who single handily tainted my childhood with images of his bladed hands flashing in front of his face all while smirking and making me feel like I was next to be drug up and down the walls of my bedroom and covered with blood that no one else could see but me. 

These days, I find myself dramatically pushing the up and down button on my remote and turning away when I hear "Kortney Kardashian is pregnant (oh the horror), Beyonce is craving ketchup( oh my gosh), and Jessica Simpson is showing off her baby bump( I'm now sweating like I've had a nightmare)". Blah blah blah, I say to myself. I've trained myself to put it off like I don't care and don't want to hear about it but the truth is, pregnancy scares me to death. It scares me like Freddy did years ago. I'm that little girl again looking under my bed before I go to sleep, making sure he isn't under there just waiting for me to lay down so he can take his sharp fingers through my mattress and then through my body.

I could be in a serious conversation, very focused on the lips and eyes of my friend and soaking up all the words and giving my complete attention, but yet I could hear the words "pregnant" or "baby" from across a room. They stick out like the "f" word in church on Sunday. My eyes get wide like Freddy walked in and sat down beside me. I can feel my heart rate increasing and chills up my spine.

I have tried to avoid pregnant friends and I'm not proud of that fact. That is not me. I love people and being around them, pregnant or not. It's not because I'm jealous or I hate them for being pregnant. I don't avoid them because they have something I used to have and I hold that against them, it's quite the opposite actually. Deep down, I am so very happy for them and the joy they are about to experience but the new cautious and fearful me knows pregnancy doesn't always end in joy. I know first hand that things can go horribly wrong. It scares me to hear someone is pregnant, they have put on the freddy mask and shouted "boo" in my face. I don't want to scare them with my presence, I don't want to be that very real reminder that it is all too possible that they will never take their baby home and hold them in their arms...alive. What if my presence becomes awkward, what if this fear becomes as irrational as looking behind the shower curtain for Freddy before I sit down to pee. What if me being so close to the baby makes me contagious, contagious of baby loss, what if I spread it around like influenza in between seasons.

When I find out another friend of mine is pregnant, I instantly start praying "Please God, please don't make them go through this, please protect them from this pain, please God, let this baby make it and be healthy and alive, please, please, please". I beg him as if His plans weren't already in place, as if my prayers will change His puzzle and move this piece a little to prevent any further empty arms. 

To be completely honest, Freddy Krueger still scares me. He still gives me chills and wide eyes but he has nothing on pregnancy. I would actually choose to go have dinner with Freddy, a glass a wine or two, and have him walk me home in the dark given the choice between that and losing a child. 

What is worse is that I don't want to be the reminder for glowing pregnant women that their baby could join mine, I don't want to become their worst nightmare. I fear that I have become their "Freddy Krueger".

1 comment:

  1. Yes. Fear.

    Interesting that you're writing on this now -- I'm publishing a post tomorrow that talks a lot about how fear has hit me lately.

    I had a lot of friends who were pregnant around the same time as me and who got pregnant shortly after Ewan died. I was so jealous. I didn't AT ALL wish on them what I had been through, but I hated that they were getting normal experiences after what we had lost. It wasn't fair.

    It took a long time. It takes a long time. And it hurts so much when you're surrounded by something that can trigger such painful emotions for you.

    It's such a hard season to be in. :o(

    Thinking of you always ...