Friday, November 11, 2011

Everyone is different

I've mentioned "What no to say" sayings before in a previous post but I thought I would elaborate a little. I was going to call this post "what not to say" and I have seen it in other blogs before but I chose not to because, honestly what others hate to hear, sometimes helps me and I'm sure some of the sayings I will mention, helps others on their unique journey. Everyone is different.

Here are some things that people have said to me. If you have said these things to me, please don't feel bad. I know no one really knows what to say so they say what they think will make me feel better. I really do appreciate kind words and prayers of any sort but maybe I can give you something to think about.

"You can have other children": I hope I can, I really do, but a million other children are not going to be and will never be Brody. Would you say to a widow "You can have other husbands"?

"It is good that you were not full term": To me, Brody was full term, he was my baby. People have premature babies all the time and they live. If Brody would have lived on August 21, he would have been just another premature healthy baby. My father, for example was premature and only 1 pound. Brody was almost 3 pounds. I don't measure my love for Brody in gestational age or weight.

"Maybe Brody had something wrong with him and didn't want to burden you": I am fairly certain that if Brody had the power not to burden me, he would have chosen to live. Furthermore, I would have loved him NO MATTER WHAT. He was and is my child and nothing, no disease, no deformity, no illness would have changed my love for  him.

"You are still so young": As if my age determines how much my heart aches. I'm not real sure why people say this or where they are going with it. They may mean I am young enough to have more children, in which case, I have explained that doesn't mean I will get Brody back 

"Time heals all wounds": Well, I have explained this in my post "Time heals nothing".

"You will be a mother someday": This may be the worst for me. I am a mother, when I have another child, I will be a mother of two. A "normal" mother's job is the best and most important job. They have to feed, clothes, care for, teach etc etc etc...I could go on and on and if you're a mother, you know exactly what I'm talking about. My job, as a mother is different. For me, my job is to never let the memory of my son die even though he did. My job is to help other grieving mothers who need someone and have no body to run to. I don't know if I can ever make lemonade from these lemons because it seems as if I was given salt instead of sugar but in some way I will make Brody proud of his mother.

"I understand" or "I know how you feel": I realize just about everyone has experienced loss at some point in their lives, but you will never know exactly how someone else feels. Once again, everyone is different. Each loss is different. Losing a child is different than losing anyone else. Being a bereaved parent is like becoming part of a secret society that no one wants to join. If I might add, please never compare the loss of a child to a loss of a pet. If you know me, you know I have two black lab mixes that are spoiled rotten and I love them dearly so I know how much a pet means to a family but it is never really comforting to hear someone say " Oh I know how you feel, my dog died". 

I'm sure some of you might be saying "Well, what can we say"? While I usually don't mind "Everything happens for a reason", I would not recommend it. There is no reason good enough for a grieving mother. I would also not go with "Your son/daughter is in a better place". To a mother, the best place for her child is in her arms. I sure do hope Heaven is better than here but the distance is just too far. We can't drive there, we can't visit,we can no longer touch, hold, kiss, or see our babies. We can only just imagine.


1 comment:

  1. LOVE IT!!! I feel the same way on these "phrases"! So well said Tia!!