Wednesday, November 9, 2011

You're always on my mind

Don't mind the construction going on behind me

The other night I was watching T.V. at my neighbors house. A commercial came on, I think it was a Babies-R-Us commercial. She asked "Does this bother you?" I responded quickly because I had already thought about it. "Well, not really, because everything reminds me of Brody". I thought "It really doesn't bother me any more than eating a salad does, or driving in my car, or wearing a certain pink tank top(see above picture), or seeing a stuffed frog". Everything reminds me of Brody. 

I never ate a salad until I was pregnant. No, I'm not making that up. One day, I just decided I wanted a salad. I was probably about 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. I got my new car the day before Brody died. It was for him. I had imagined him eating those new bite size yogurt things made by Gerber in the backseat. I think of him every time I get in my car. I think of him every time I wear something I wore while I was pregnant. I wore the above shirt a lot, mostly because it went so well with the black comfy shorts I had gotten and I was really hot ALL THE TIME! Nothing ever looks quite as cute on me as it did while I was pregnant. 
Frogs: Oh, how that child would have hated frogs. Hence, Brody's Frog Blog. His bedding was frogs, all of his clothes had frogs on them and my baby shower theme was to be...take a guess...FROGS :)  

 I don't have to remind myself that he is gone, he is always on my mind and in my heart. It's not like "Darn it, if it wasn't for that dang Babies-R-Us commercial, I would have gotten through my entire day without thinking of my dead son". Especially because Babies-R-Us has decided to stalk me. They send me e-mails everyday and free diapers and formula in the mail. Yes, I have contacted them about this and No, they have not stopped! When I check the mail, I usually slam the door of the mailbox shut, stomp my foot and say " Are you ******* serious?" You can laugh at this, I allow, because I usually do afterwards. Once I get the initial cuss words out of the way, sometimes all I can really do is laugh about what I just did and hope none of my neighbors seen the tantrum.

So, yes there are particular things that bother me but really there is nothing that is safe for a grieving mother. He was a part of me so every time I look down and see my semi-flat tummy, I remember him, every time I step foot into my house that is missing baby toys and clothes and future memories, I remember him. He is everywhere now, in more ways than one and will remain so forever. I love you Brody Michael <3


  1. Tia,
    I read your blog everyday!! Your blog not only helps women that suffer infant loss, miscarriages,stillbirth; but it also helps moms to hold their babies a little bit longer and to not take for granted late night feedings, teething babies, big messes, etc. You just never know...... everything can change in a blink of an eye! I pray for all my friends with angel babies to be mommies to babies here on earth!! The hardest part with my friend who recently had a baby girl born still at 29 weeks is I don't want her to feel bad for not wanting to see the twins!! I know it would be so hard....seeing any baby would be! I try and let her know, it is okay... I understand if you can't come over or talk about them. The worst is seeing all these unfit mothers and fathers with 10 kids and all the horrendous news stories and you can't stop from wondering why!!
    I love all of Brody's frog things!! Especially the froggy onesie and pants!!You are such a good mommy!!!

  2. You make such an important point here, and I really didn't understand it myself until it happened to me. I really appreciated how sensitive people were about what types of things might bother me -- bringing babies over to our apartment, baby-related mailings, talking about our loss, etc. -- but like you said so well: it's not as if you don't think of your son EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's not as if you don't remember every single day. Our reality is not "Oh shoot, if that commercial hadn't come on or if I hadn't gotten that piece of mail, I would have been having a really good day."

    The truth is, we are always aware of those babies. We NEVER forget.

  3. Thanx for the input Kirsten. I really admire and respect your feedback :)