Time heals nothing

When you go through a loss, of any kind, there are things people say to you that they think will make you feel better. Among those is the ever so popular "Everything happens for a reason". Some days I like it, some days I hate it, absolutely hate it! I know God has his plan and I have never once looked up and asked "Why, why me", I just have faith that Brody needed to be in heaven more than he needed to be here.

Taking second place for most popular "I am trying to make you feel better but really it will make you feel like crap" comment is "Time heals all wounds".Time is such a funny thing when you are grieving. Not funny like cats and dogs on America's Funniest Home Videos kind of funny, funny like you just can't comprehend it so you say it's funny, kind of funny.

Time flies by but stands so still all at the same time. You want to move on from the days of sitting in a dark room staring at the ceiling but you miss those warm tears running down your face. You eventually want to get back to "normal" but normal is....What is normal again? Normal means nothing anymore, you have to search for a new kind of normal. You have to create a new normal, starting from scratch. Time is moving further and further away from the first and last time you held your child in your arms and kissed his forehead. Time makes you start to forget the details of your pregnancy, the details of your labor, and the details of burying your first born son. You might think I want to forget those things, but they are the only memories I have of Brody.

That horrible day in the hospital was only 2 months and 8 days ago, but it seems so far away. I was numb, I was horrified, I was abnormally calm, I was insane, I was grateful, I was lost, and most of all I was dying inside. I would go back there in a second. I would go back, even if I knew the outcome. I would go back to soak it all in. I would smell Brody more, I would kiss him more, I would look at his fingers and toes, I would take off his hat to see his hair. I would do it all again, I would put myself back into the rawness of the fresh grief to see him one more time.

Yesterday I was closer to that day. Tomorrow will be one more day further away. Time is the enemy when your grieving. Time heals nothing.