Monday, March 5, 2012

bursting at the seams

If you are reading this, you probably know that the Leap Year Auction was a huge success. We raised over $1900.00 for March of Dimes and baby Austin's family! I want to thank everyone who was involved. The vendors and especially those of you who bid on the items. To me, you guys are amazing! A lot of you I know personally but some I do not and you all were so kind and generous to help out on something that is so near and dear to my heart when you have never even met me.

The night of the auction was truly unreal. I had been building myself up with anticipation, stuffing myself full with anxiety and excitement. When 7:09pm (That is when Brody was born) hit and the auction was live, I was so happy that my face hurt from smiling. Within the first hour, Almost every item had been bid on and I was watching the news feed on my facebook in complete shock. I could literally feel Brody beside me and I began bursting at the seams with pride... and Heaven....didn't feel that far away.

I will never know the feeling of complete and utter excitement and joy at Brody's first steps or first words but I imagine the feeling I had that night was the closest I am ever going to get. I pulled up the blog on another tab and listened to this music. I shed tears mixed of joy and pain. Tears that were so confused but they came out anyway. The pain of missing my baby and the equal amounts of joy that he was and still is my sweet baby boy and he was helping me do something so amzaing. I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth and calm come over me.

I knew everything I am doing is exactly what God had planned for me and that feeling has no words. I had this feeling that God wanted me to do this, like it was a job he had planned for me. Of course, I wonder why He trusts me with this job but I know I can't give up on Him or doubt that there is a reason.

I wish everyday was as good as that day was. I wish I could sense a bad day coming. Last Saturday, a bad day snuck up on me and I found myself on the greiving mother's site asking and begging for someone to talk to. All the mothers on the page are so kind and helpful. Someone posted this and it struck a cord with me "Loss is universal, grief is individual. We share a common loss but our journey is our own". In the middle of that dark moment, I didn't want to see the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining but looking back to it now, I think I found that quote for inspiration, inspiration for my journey.

The auction was huge and so amazing but of course now I'm thinking about what Brody and God have planned for me next ;)

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