Thursday, February 23, 2012

No more sparkle?

Tuesday was Brody's six month angelversary. Six months in heaven for my little man. I wonder, sometimes, what he is doing. Sitting on the lap of Jesus himself, I wonder? I guess that is what gets me through. I got an email the other day about the blog, she told me to keep my faith strong. I responded with: if I didn't know in my heart that Brody was with Jesus, I'm not sure I could go on.

Sometimes I get blindsided with the reality of it all. I wonder how I am surviving this. Staying strong is really hard work at points. I've had some really tough moments. Some really dark and dreary times and I'm sure there are more to come. I try really hard not to get caught up in them because those moments are pretty scary. I don't even discuss them here.

Sometimes I fight with myself about my feelings. I use every ounce of energy I have to fight those dark and dreary times. I wonder why it is that I'm not even just a little mad at God, because I prayed every SINGLE night that Brody would be okay. Sometimes, I even fell asleep mid prayer and when I would wake to the sudden urge to pee, I would continue my prayer. I cannot be mad at Him, there is something bigger (Him, I'm guessing) that will not allow me to be and I'm so grateful for that.

 For the most part, in my opinion, I've handled this situation pretty well...under the circumstances I mean. I wish someone can explain to me how an individual can be proud of one's self for how well they are grieving their first born child. The thought of being proud of that makes me literally nauseous.

I guess there will always be that part of me that just simply cannot believe this, a part that no matter how much time has passed,feels like there is a giant hole in my soul,a part that even though Brody is always on my mind, gets reminded that things will never be quite the same ever again.

My mom told me a little after Brody died that the "sparkle" I used to have was gone and she was afraid it would never come back. At the time, I thought to myself I really don't remember ever "sparkling" but okay. She has to say those things, she is my mother. haha. But seriously, I kinda know what she was saying. A part of me was literally gone and I knew it was never coming back. I wondered if everyone else could see it too or was it just my mom? I've never been good at lying or hiding so I thought "can perfect strangers see this hole in my soul?"

This is New Years 2010...I think (Before Brody)

This is while I was pregnant. One of my favorite pictures...Now THIS is me really "sparkling".

This is after Brody died and I just got my hair done and was sending it to my mom. Yes, I admit this is a very bad picture and I cannot believe I'm actually posting it but honestly ,this is the biggest smile I could muster up that day. I mean I reached deep inside to pull out this very fake,half smile. There are moments when it actually takes all I have to smile and then it really physically hurts to do so.

I hope that this said "sparkle" returns a little at a time, and I REALLY hope my pictures get better that the one above ( am I really posting that?)

P.S. I hope you all are getting excited for the Leap Year Auction, I know I am! I know I say this every time, but Brody just amazes me every single day. From the people he sends my way to the little things he does to show me he is there when I'm having a bad day. I love him more than words can say! :)

1 comment:

  1. Hi I was hopping from blog to blog tonight and came across yours. We lost our sweet Jonathan a month ago. I am so sorry for your loss it hurts SO MUCH! I just wanted you to you are not alone and I wanted to remind my self I am not alone. Others have walked this painful path. You have such a cute blog and title. prayers and blessings