I didn't write at all last week, so that makes it okay to write twice this week...right?
I say yes.
Plus, I can't help but find myself wondering today, wondering what life would be like if Brody were alive. I try pretty hard not to dwell on "what ifs", but today I woke up almost silenced by them....almost.
But I'm not sad, it's not a bad day. My mind is just wondering.
When I was pregnant, I worried a little if I was ready for all this. I only cried once about it, when I was 8 weeks along. The word "scared" sticks out in my journal like a sore thumb (insert picture of the word "scared" in my journal that will not upload today).
Brody was planned, very well planned. I felt like I had been waiting for him for years but when he existed inside of me, I knew something wasn't the way I had always planned.
You've seen the commercials, well I know I have. They leave me breathless..."Having a baby...changes everything". That's what they say but they don't tell you "Not having a baby, also, changes everything".
Those commercial get me wondering. Would I have been a good mommy to an alive baby? If Brody were here, would I have been so frustrated and sleep deprived that I would have given up on my huge breastfeeding venture that I was bound and determined to succeed at? My life would look so different now and would I have liked it? Its what I wanted, its what I planned for but would I have doubted my decisions?
It's almost 7 months after Brody died and today I'm asking the question "was I ready to be a mommy of an angel?" That thought never crossed my mind when I was pregnant. I didn't write those fears down in my journal. Did I skip the chapter of "When pregnancy goes wrong" on purpose. I was so busy preparing myself to become the best mom possible that I never prepared for becoming who I am now. An angel mommy I will always be.
I never asked myself that before, yet here I am embracing the reality of it, sobbing over the misery of a rainy day because it reminds me that my baby is dead yet smiling at the sun thinking its his way of smiling down upon me.
And the million dollar questions are in front of me. In my face, scaring me like the monster under my bed directly after I was told he didn't exist... Will I love future children with the same intensity that I love Brody? I don't know what its like the other way. I like the way I love him, I love the way he loves me. How do I love a baby that is alive, will it come natural?
Will a new and crying baby frustrate me or will I have a sense of calmness in knowing the alternative hurts more than a baby that keeps you up all night? Will I be overprotective or will the realization that nothing I do can protect my baby from what God has planned take over?
It's not a bad day, but a day where I miss Brody an awful lot. I miss my plans for him even if they would have been doubted at 3am feedings. I miss my future of looking like the mommies of real life babies that scream and cry. I even miss him kicking the crap out of my ribs and laying on my sciatic nerve. I miss you Brody Michael and I will forever and always.
As I sit here and listen to Eric Clapton sing "Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?", I am thinking of my angel grandson and will he know his Nana when he meets me. I am also thinking about my first born child (Tia). Tia was also a planned pregnancy, very planned. I wanted a little girl with brown hair and blue eyes and that's exactly what God gave me. I remember bringing Tawnya Nicole home and being Ever So Happy and a little scared (I was only 17, but I was married a year before I got pregnant). I used to kiss her boo boos and make them better. I can't do that now. I remember how we would walk hand in hand all over Ford City. We don't hold hands anymore. I was and still am very proud of her. I know with complete certainty that Brody is also very proud of her. We have to accept the fact that God's plan IS the only plan. As difficult as it is to watch Adam and Tia go through this, I must trust in God with complete faith. I know that God knows what it is like to watch your child suffer in pain and so do I. Brody, I want you to know that your parents love you so very much, and so do I. Tia, you still amaze me every single day. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI can't speak for you but I can tell you what I have discovered myself about my own fear of loving other children other than your angel baby.
ReplyDeleteI've been quietly following your blog for the last few weeks - I lost my son 8 weeks ago today. I was 34w6d pregnant when I awoke to a bed full of blood in the middle of the night, there were no signs, no pain - nothing that indicated something was wrong until I saw the blood. I also had a placental abruption. When I arrived at the hospital they found his heart beat, but by the time they prepped me for an emergency c-section, Julian was born flatline. They were able to revive him, but it was too late, he had lost more than 50% of his blood by the time he was born and was flateline for at least 8 minutes after birth. Too much damage had been done to his little body and my poor baby died 36 hours after he was born.
My situation differs from yours, we both lost our sons, but Julian was a twin and his twin brother survived. I've heard many times over, since my boys were born - that at least I still have one. I can honestly say that "still having one" doesn't make the pain or loss I feel for my angel son disappear. I miss him terribly and grieve everyday for his loss, the loss of losing a baby and I also grieve for my surviving twin - as he also will not have his brother to grow up with.
Back to your question of if you'll love future/other children with the same intensity - in the first few days after my boys were born and Julian had died I also wondered if I would or could love his surviving brother in the same way or as much as I loved Julian. I was worried, but I can honestly say that my love for Julian's twin is just as strong as my love for Julian. It doesn't feel like I'm trying to forget or replace him - I just know that I love them both so VERY much. For me, my surviving baby is a reminder of the love I have for Julian, I can't help but look at him and think of Julian and it is a special and happy feeling. Perhaps, if you have future children they will bring the same feelings of love for your Brody when you look into their faces and I am sure you will love them just as much as your Brody.
I don't know if I made any sense here or just rambled away...this is the first time I have posted about losing Julian and my situation.
And thank you for writing your thoughts and feelings about losing a baby, your blog has been very helpful and comforting the last few weeks.
Sarah