Wednesday, February 8, 2012

When everything fell apart, things fell together

I can only speak for myself and about our experience with death and loss. Just like any other experience in life, we all handle things and cope differently.

Our journey, in my opinion, has been very eye opening in many ways. Heartbreaking? of course but in many ways, when everything seemed like it was falling apart...we started to see that things were just falling together as well.

Everything about Brody's death seemed...dare I say it....meant to be.

A girlfriend asked me the other day, while I was showing her my bracelet with my birthstone, Adam's birthstone, and Brody's green birthstone "Did you know his birthstone was going to be green?". "Of course not", I said, "I thought it would be pink, like mine". His due date was in October, I had no idea he would be showing up in angel form in August.

At the hospital, Adam's Dad mentioned he had bought a plot next to Mary Sue (Adam's Mom) years ago but had never actually wanted to be buried. He wasn't sure why he bought it but we all knew right then and there, it was where Brody was meant to be buried, right next to his Grandmother.

The day we came home from the hospital, our sewage was backed up. Oddly enough, my first thought was "Oh well, it could be worse". I never said "What else?", how could I. I had lost all my dreams of becoming a mother, in that moment, there wasn't anything worse. I called my father in law to get someone out there to help us fix it. He called back and told us a time and price. I wrote the check. Less than two hours later, a friend of Adam's from work showed up with a card for us, inside was cash. The exact amount that I just had wrote the check for. Adam counted it three times and I did twice. They had no idea about our sewage problem.

I'm positive that not every mother who loses feels this way and I'm sure you guys are thinking that if your child died, you would not want to think of one single thing that seemed meant to be. Maybe it is a choice I have made, maybe it's a coping mechanism, or maybe it my faith. I can't be sure about what it is exactly, I just know that God and Brody let me know at least once a day that he is okay and I will be as well.

One afternoon, about 3 weeks after Brody died, I was sitting in my bedroom reading "Heaven is for real". Adam had ran to the store and I was feeling lost. I was reading the part where the mother was praying with her son. I totally lost it. I would never pray with Brody, the thought tore at my heart. I heard a knock at the door, I wasn't expecting anyone so I was curious to who it might be. It was our exterminator. Last time he was there, we were just leaving to go to the doctors to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. He said "Congratulations, God will bless you in so many ways". I opened the door and his eyes went immediately to lack of pregnant belly. I felt like he had seen me naked. I wanted to cover it up and pretend it wasn't almost flat. Instead for the first time out loud I said "We lost the baby". Those words felt like they weighed a ton. He asked if he could come in. I said yes, he hugged me. By now, you would think I would be thinking "why is my exterminator hugging me?"...I wasn't! He took my hand and told me that my baby was an angel in heaven and Jesus loves children. I shook my head and tears rolled down my face. We sat at the dinner table and talked about God and Brody and before he left, he said "You will pray with your children one day". When he left, I was in total shock. Adam came home and I felt like I was telling him I had just seen a unicorn in the back yard. We both just stared at each other and cried. Looking back, I have said "Doesn't God have a silly sense of humor to send an angel in the form of an exterminator", especially since I woke up that morning to a huge spider in the sink and told Adam "we need to call that bug guy".  Are you getting goosebumps yet?

I have always been a thinker and worrier. I'm fairly certain that the average person would drive themselves crazy with all the thoughts in my mind. I have become accustomed to them and have learned to embrace them. When the Doctor came in and said "I don't have good news", My response was "I didn't figure". Here is what I was saying in my head " Oh, yep, that's why I could never imagine him at home, that's why I wrote in my GREEN journal every night about how scared I was, this is why Cloie has been following me around, that is why I felt such a connection with Mary Sue while I was pregnant, this is probably why I could never actually pick up the diapers,baby lotion, and wipes at the store that I had coupons for". Along with being a thinker and worrier, I'm also a planner. I had bought 4 outfits for Brody....4. I never felt right about buying clothes for him.

Believe me, these things "falling together" doesn't make my heart ache less and they certainly don't bring him back. The other night I said to Adam, while laying in bed " I just want to turn down the covers and tell you to watch him kick". Those were THE best moments of my life and I miss them every day. I find comfort in the fact that Brody is with Jesus and like the "bug guy" said "Jesus loves children".

1 comment:

  1. Once Again..Smiles..and Tears.... I actually look forward to reading Brody's Blog...It helps "Me" as a person in my Own Life.I Kinda get this Feeling when I read..Like I "Know" him.Sounds Odd..I know.But It Brings His Memory to Life, to hear about him..and How YOU ( His Mother) feels.I actually Enjoy the Stories, and like I have Said Before..I Find You to Be one Of the Strongest People I Know.Continue To Look Forward to A Bright Future,And once Again thanks For Sharing your Stories about Your Special ANGEL,BRODY <3