Dear Brody

Dear Brody,
Geez, those words are enough to make me cry already. I have been wanting to write you a letter since you left to go Home, but I could never bring myself to do it. First of all, I was afraid I couldn't do it without opening up the flood gates and secondly, well, the fact that you will never actually read it hurts my heart in a whole different way.

Over at Faces of Loss, a place that I have become very familiar with, Kristin Cook has suggested that we do this very thing that had me shaking in my boots and got my knees knocking. This is part of her Create, Heal, Inspire assignment and is a great way for grieving mothers to express our feelings. Here I go...

I don't know exactly where to begin and I realize that this may all be familiar to you because I feel you around me all the time. I know you hear me speaking to you in the privacy of my bedroom and in the quiet tranquil moments in the bath tub. I feel you smile when the sun shines on my face and feel embraced when the wind blows. I know you are all around and even still inside me in many ways too. Your previous home is still my womb, which I carry with me everyday and the memories of you and your face are in my heart forever. I look in the mirror and see your precious face, I look at Daddy and you are there too.

I'm positive you saw how difficult the holidays were for Daddy and I. We lit your candle and kissed your picture, I'm sure you know that too. I never expected for Christmas to be hard, I mean it's not as if you were ever here to celebrate with us before. It was the future memories that have been ripped away from us that we were mourning I suppose. I pictured you at Grandmas playing with your cousins and being passed around from aunt to aunt at Daddy's Grandma's house. Those images were difficult to picture yet I couldn't remove them from my mind. I never realized that I could miss someone so very much, especially someone that I had never actually met.

2011 was filled with so many emotions, so many ups and downs. When Daddy and I found out we were expecting you, we were scared, we were excited, we were nervous, and every emotion in between and around. The time that you were with us was amazing and I wouldn't trade one second, not even the most dreadful one. Holding you was the best and worst moment of my life tied into one. 2011 was filled with so much hope and so much joy, yet often overshadowed by so much grief and so much despair. I wanted the year to be gone but I wanted it to stay forever. I wanted to hold on to the year that you existed but I wanted to let go of the year you died.

Brody, I love you like I have never loved before. I love you for inspiring others even though you never met them, I love you for re introducing me to my passion for writing and creating. You have made me one proud mother and have taught me so many things that I could have never taught myself. I wish you were here instead. I wish I could love you in a different way, with kisses on the forehead and lullaby's at night or all day long for that matter. I wish I could show you I love you with feedings at 2am and soft caresses on the back of your head as I rock you to sleep. The realistic part of me pulls me back from those wishes and realizes that while I can wish all day everday, those are wishes that can never come true.

I vowed from the moment we found out you were on your way to be the very best mom I could be and I never want you to think that just because you are gone that I will break that vow. I will never deny that you existed and I will always speak your name. I will find new ways to honor you and remember you. I will make you proud everyday that I'm here and not with you.

As much as I don't want to say goodbye to 2011 and to you, 2012 is already here and I know you have already started guiding me in the direction I need to go. You have been gone for almost five months now. Somedays it feels like yesterday, somedays I feel like it's been years.

I'm sure I will finish this post and realize I forgot to say everything I wanted to or regret not taking more time to write it, but, baby, all I really want you to know is that there is not a second that goes by that you are not in my mind and in my heart. I know you hate to see me cry because where you are, tears don't exist, but the fact that He needed you more than me hasn't exactly been something I have come to terms with and I'm not sure I ever will.

I love you and I miss you.

Love, Mommy

P.s. Thanx for saving my life.