Thursday, January 5, 2012

Brody's Project Reflection

Hi Everyone! I have been going through severe withdrawal from my computer. I took it to get fixed yesterday because it was barely even turning on. It is home now but I'm not convinced it is "all better". Anyway, it feels good to be able to type on here. I'm hoping I'm not the only one who missed Brody's Frog Blog.

I promised a reflection on the responses to Brody's Project the first week of January and I was getting a little scared that I might not be able to keep the promise, but here it is...

I received approximately fifteen responses. I was so grateful to hear from you all. I heard from best friends, I heard from strangers, I heard from acquaintances, and I heard from fellow BLMs (Baby Loss Mothers). I term I wish I was unfamiliar with.

The majority of you with children said that Brody has made you really appreciate the precious moments with your babies and children, even when it gets really tough. I was expecting to hear this and I'm always glad when I do. It makes me proud of Brody. There is nothing that makes me more angry than watching the news and hearing about yet another child abused or neglected, or even worse, so when I hear about loving mommies holding their babies a little tighter or longer, kissing them a little more, or just stopping to realize what a miracle it is just to have that baby in their arms makes me smile. To know that they are possibly thinking about Brody when they are doing those things, makes me realize what an impact he has made on so many lives.

I knew I would be hearing from other mothers who have experienced loss. I heard a few new stories and was reminded of ones that I was already aware of. There is a connection between these women that is unwanted and yet so welcoming. The stories are sad to say the least. They make you realize that you are not alone, even though alone is feeling you become very familiar with when losing a child. You start thinking about what is worse, the fact that your alone or the fact that your not. The realization that this happens way more than you could ever imagine is haunting. The stories of baby loss are like that word that you have never heard before and then one day you hear it and then you hear it everyday for three consecutive days, you know what I mean? Baby loss is not something that you think about everyday, but then it happens to you and then people start coming out of the woodwork to tell you their stories of their sisters, their best friend, themselves. Each story becomes comforting in a way yet makes you shed new tears for each and every one of them, each and every baby that welcomed yours. 

I received e-mails from friends explaining how much they loved Brody even though they never really got to meet him. Some explained how they think of him as an angel now, looking down on us all from heaven and helping us through what has become our hell. I heard from from a friend that has recently became a great friend, a friend that I'm not positive would be this close if I had not lost my son.  Another friend explained that she realized that she needs to stop wishing her life away because you just never know what can uplift your world and turn it upside down in an instant.

Today, while I was reflecting on all the messages and e-mails explaining how my son has impacted lives, I couldn't help but remember someone I met a long time ago. It was about 9 years ago and I was at a restaurant/ bar. I sat down beside an older woman with gray hair, decked out in old glam costume jewelry and reeking of old lady perfume. She stared at me like I was from outer space and had a look in her eyes like she could read my mind. It was strange, to say the least. She proceeded to tell me things about my life and while I wasn't quite sure at the time if I believed in that type of thing, I was intrigued. The last thing she told me was that I would have a little boy someday and that he would be very special. 

Special? The thought crossed my mind after I peed on the stick, what did she mean? Would he need special attention? I was up for that, I could love any child God decided to give me so I wasn't afraid of what special meant. I still don't know if I believe in fortune tellers, but I know I don't believe in coincidences and I do believe my son is very special. 

I could go on and on about what Brody has done for me. Don't get me wrong, I wish so badly I was teaching him instead of him teaching me but it's just not the case and no tears or begging will change that, believe me, I've tried.

Before Brody died, I hadn't wrote in years. A passion I have had as long as I can remember and it was no longer a part of my life. I used to make things, I used to day dream, I used to paint and draw and wear things that made no sense to anyone. Somewhere along the way, I became ashamed of that person and tried not to be her for some reason. Brody has brought those things back to me in a way I cannot explain. I almost hit the ground running when he died...almost. I mean, it's still early and I still feel like I just stood up, brushed the dust off of my knees and I'm looking around at which direction to run, but still, I am up for running. I'm not just gonna stay on the ground and lay there, I'm gonna run! I can almost hear him say "Mommy, just be you, just run".

Thank you everyone who responded and I hope to keep hearing from all of you. I hope this was only a start to what Brody inspires me and you to do. I hope to include all of you with all of my endeavours with this unwanted journey that I'm taking alone...but not alone. 

This is what I will be working on for the next post. If you all are not familiar with Faces of Loss, please head on over there and check it out. The girl who started it, Kristen Cook, is nothing short of amazing in my eyes and sooooooo inspiring! On the link above, she explains the contest she is holding for this month for bloggers, this is what the next post will be about so stay tuned...

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