Monday, January 16, 2012

Busy with B Bands

It's been too long, I know, I know. I've actually been busy with something new and exciting in my life. I was reluctant on making changes and moving forward because a part of me thought making changes would take Brody's memories away from me, that somehow if I got myself busy enough to think about something else for just a few minutes, that the closeness that I feel with him during the crying sessions and during the deepest grief, would go away, and I would miss it....I was wrong, like I am in all other aspects of grief that I thought I knew before.

As I stated in the previous post, Dear Brody, I have always had a passion for writing, crafting, and creating. It slipped out of hands at some point, I guess because my hands were so full of other things. Big changes and obstacles in my life that left my mind too busy for creativity.

In the weeks following Brody's death, I became obsessed with researching similar stories and experiences. I started to become very aware that I was not alone. While I haven't found one exactly like mine, there were so many that pulled at my heart strings in different ways. One thing that I found was that these women turned to writing after their loss. Either they had already been bloggers before their experience or the experience turned them into blogger (which is true in my case). During my research, I came across two stories that really struck a cord with me, it was something about these women and their precious babies that made me feel close to them in a way that was heart breaking and comforting. The one blog is Dear Stevie and the other is Team Ewan. Check them out.

After stumbling upon Faces of Loss, which was started by the same girl who writes Dear Stevie, I discovered that a lot of women were turning to their own creativity to help cope as well, once again, I wasn't alone!

A few weeks ago, I was in my basement looking for something( I can't recall now what that something was) but I found an old bag full of yarn and half finished projects. I stared at it for a second, and thought "nah, I don't even remember how to crochet, I'm just gonna leave it there". I went down the next day and brought the bag upstairs, I then stared at it some more. I opened it up and giggled at my previous attempts at scarf making and then I thought " I should really give this a shot".

One evening, I was feeling very alone and frustrated, so I shut myself in what would have been Brody's room and picked up some yarn and a hook. I just started crocheting and it felt...good. I had something to really focus on, something that took thought and ability. I felt good about the result, I felt proud of myself. Did I forget my baby was dead? Of course not, but I did have feeling that I haven't felt in quite some time. Good feelings about myself and the ability to make changes and remembering my creativity that seemed to disappear. It felt good to get caught up in something and I wasn't afraid of forgetting about Brody at all, actually the opposite happened. I knew not only would he be okay with me making changes and doing things to keep busy, but he too would be proud that I wasn't spending all my time crying and hurting.

After making one headband, I realized how fun it really was and made several more. When I left the room that evening, I left feeling like I had just had a really good cry, only I hadn't. I felt as if I had put all those feelings pain and grief into something new and positive, instead of sitting around crying and listening to babyloss songs (yes, they exist).

I put them up for sale on an Etsy site (B Bands by TiaLuke on Etsy) and made a Facebook page as well: B Bands . I started making scarfs and hats too. I made a little hat and I thought about Brody the whole time, how cute he would look in it, the fact that he would never wear it, and if maybe he had guided me in this direction to begin with. I thought about the little hat they put on him at the hospital and the little gown that was handmade.
Perhaps I will make some hats and donate them to the local hospital for little babies born sleeping like Brody, I know all to well that those things can be the most cherished by a mother with empty arms. Those are the only clothes Brody ever wore and now they sit in a memory box in my hutch, the only clothes his small little body ever touched.

I'm not all better, I'm not perfect, I'm not grief free...I've come to the conclusion that those things will not happen. I am moving in a direction that feels right and that I know Brody would be proud of, and to me, that is everything!

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful post and I love that you're creating along with us this month at Faces. Thank you so much for sharing your post! I know exactly how you feel. Enjoy creating and honoring your Brody while you do it. xo.