Monday, January 23, 2012

Blessed with Brody

Saturday was five months since Brody died...five months! I just realized that yesterday. I try not to focus on the 21st of every month and dwell on how long it's been, it doesn't change anything or make the experience better or worse, it just is.

Actually, I had a pretty good day Saturday and I really started to notice that my good days are happening more often that bad days. I'm starting to feel like a normal functioning human being again instead of just a grieving mother. I'm still a grieving mother, but I'm other things too and I'm starting to get that now.

I wondered on Saturday, what was this big change from? Was it because I'm staying so busy with B Bands or was it just the time that has passed. You know, I hate to hear that time heals all wounds but now I'm wondering, does it at least soothe the sting, does it dull the ache? Maybe there is hope, maybe upon approaching the "almost half a year" mark, the clouds will start to shift and I will see some sunshine.

It's no secret here about how much research I did after Brody died and I still continue to do everyday. I wanted to know I wasn't alone but quickly realized that I was not only not alone, but in great and large amounts of unwanted company. When I stumbled onto Dear Stevie and got to reading the posts, I came across one called " Made for this". For me, I find it difficult to put these feelings into words, but she does it Oh so well and it is exactly what I'm feeling at this point in my grief.

If I said " I wouldn't have it any other way", I would be lying. I would have it another way, I would have Brody here, but to say "I couldn't imagine it any other way"...that's the truth. I could never picture Brody home with us and I still cant. I know he is where he was always supposed to be. I bet all you mothers reading this are cringing with confusion on how I could possibly say that, but try to imagine burying your children, try imagine being without them everyday...forever, I bet that not only can you not imagine in but the thought literally scares you to death. Those thoughts are my reality, they are not something I have to try to imagine because I did it, I can close my eyes and remember everything about the Day we buried Brody. As sad as it is, its very true as well, I can't imagine a healthy bouncing boy named Brody crawling around on my floors and cuddled up next to me, I want to, believe me but my images are more of holding a lifeless body of the cutest darn baby I've ever seen ( I'm a bit partial).

Usually if someone wants to see Brody's picture, the first things I notice about them are the tears in their eyes and the sadness written all over their face. I used to do that too but now I'm noticing when I look at his picture...I smile. I don't smile because he is dead, I smile because he lived. I was blessed with almost eight months of  an angel whose only home was inside of my womb. I'm starting to get it now, really open my eyes to miracles and God's blessing which are often getting disguised as sadness and tragedy... I was blessed with Brody.

1 comment:

  1. Our babies are about a week apart. Our daughter, Ellersley Grace Deem, was born August 13, 2011. I was 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant and she was born via emergency c section due to a severe placental abruption. She lost too much blood due to the abruption and went to dance on the other side of eternity 22 minutes after she was born. I am so sorry for your loss...ugh this life is full of such heartache! I enjoy your blog and will be praying for peace for you and your family as we travel the same road...