Thursday, January 26, 2012

A rock and a hard place

I have so much to talk about today, I hope I can get it all in one post without sounding like a rambling idiot.

Everything is going super great with B Bands, I have lots of orders coming in and I'm enjoying every second of making headbands and hats. I've made it my personal goal to learn something new every day, if it be a new stitch or an entire project. I want everyone to know that there is so much emotion that goes into my work. Every project is because of and for Brody. Even though i doubt he would have been wearing a nice little headband with a cute crochet flower, I feel like he had something to do with this new venture.

It's strange what losing a child does to you, I guess I can't speak for every baby loss mommy, but for myself, I feel as if he really made me the best version of myself. Imagine feeling a bit out of place all your life and then suddenly feeling like you are right where you belong in a community that you would never think of joining willingly. I would have never had the courage to spill out all of my emotions and feelings on a blog or sell something that I had handmade. The thought that someone was out there judging me, my every word, and all of my mistakes would have kept me awake all night. It is kinda like being between a rock and a hard place, ya know? Ahhhh, I'd give anything to have Brody back, there isn't an ounce of me that doesn't yearn for him on a daily basis, however, I have become someone I know he is proud of, someone evidently God has intended for me to be all along.

I returned an e-mail from a friend the other night, she wanted to talk about my last post: Blessed with Brody. I referred to something I had heard or read somewhere about God's plan being like a tapestry.
God sees the front, it's so beautiful, it all fits together, all the colors match and meet up like a wonderful piece of's perfect. We see the back, it's messy, the colors run together and don't match, there are knots, and sometimes it is downright ugly. The world we see is full of hate at moments, it has death, disease, abuse, neglect, and it's a place where precious little babies die. The world he sees is beautiful with no imperfections and all the ugliness has a purpose. I know there was no other way for Brody and I trust God knows exactly what he was doing.

On another note, I have been on a wild goose hunt since Brody died trying to find if there was something wrong with me, something my body failed to do for him, if not for peace of mind, for prevention of a second loss. Dear Lord, the thought of burying another baby sent pain to my very core of being. A part of me ( that deep down part that knew Brody wasn't coming home) told me that if I didn't find out that I would very well be burying another baby. I even tried to prepare myself for this horrible event...again. After months, many hours, and many days glued to my computer doing research and probably what doctors call "annoying patient syndrome" of demanding more blood work please, I finally have the answer that I was and wasn't looking for.

I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V. Basically it is a genetic disorder that increases my chances of developing blood clots. I'm not gonna go into a great deal of detail about it mostly because it's not a very interesting subject and I cannot find a clever and creative way to discuss blood clotting. Also, if you are interested in knowing more, you can following the link above or do some research on your own if you choose to. It is likely that I  developed a blood clot in the umbilical cord or in my placenta, which led to Brody's death.

It's hard to explain the feeling of finding a (medical) reason for your baby's death. When the nurse called, I heard absolutely nothing she said except "you tested positive for factor v", after that, I began shaking all over and my eyes filled up with tears. I started a game of tug of war with myself, only I was pulling in about six different directions. I felt like a weight of a million pounds was lifted from my back, I felt proud of myself for being persistent and I felt like telling Brody thank you for giving me that feeling of "It's okay to be an annoying patient, you have to be".  I went through a moment of Oh God, I have a reason...thank you so much and Oh God, I have a reason, Oh God, I have a reason! It was a bittersweet moment. I thought about my next pregnancy and the precautions that I will be able to take so I don't have to live this nightmare a second time, I felt relief.

After I got off the phone, I placed my head against the wall in my bathroom and screamed on the inside  and a little on the outside too. But, then I could feel the fear of pregnancy start to lessen. I feel like the memory of pregnancy also has a pinch to it, the beautiful and comfortable feeling of having a baby in your belly also was painful. I can feel it start to get better though, I know I'm heading in the right direction because the pinch I feel when I think about pregnancy...used to be a punch.

ps. I had so many pictures I wanted to put up but for some reason they were all coming out red...sorry. :(

1 comment:

  1. I find it so encouraging to read that you are the best version of yourself on this side of loss. I know like you said, your son must be so proud. Losing a child has a way of breaking down barriers, and giving you power and courage you never had. Thank you so much for sharing xx