Please don't trip on those eggshells or choke on that foot

I get it, talking about your dead baby is taboo but I want so badly to have a little part in making it not to be. We talk about other people who have passed. We honor them and the things they have done in their lives and sometimes we laugh and smile about their unique characteristics and traits. 


I went to the hospital today for a test on my gallbladder. The technician proceeded to ask me a few questions. First, was I pregnant? I wanted to say "Yes, Yes I am, Saturday is my due date" I couldn't say it because it would have been a lie."No, I'm not". "Do you have a baby?" He was asking because he wanted to make sure I was not breastfeeding. My response "Well, I delivered my son on August 21st" His eyes lit up and a smile grew on his face."Still born" I continued. His eyes turned away and the smile disappeared. He said "I'm sorry"

I laid down on the table and He said "If your worried about your necklace, it will be fine" I told him "Okay, thank you, those are my son's initials, his name is Brody". "Okay" was the only thing he could say. I knew he wasn't being rude but he just didn't know what to say. Then I felt bad, I felt like I was the one who put my foot in my mouth. He proceeded to tell me about the loss he had experienced in his life. He had never lost a child but he had experienced loss in many other ways. I think it was his way of saying he was sorry and I wasn't alone. He had lost his mother and I had lost my son. I began to wonder if he thought I was a mother even though my son was in heaven. I still thought he was a son, even though his mother was in heaven.

When I was leaving, He gently touched my back and guided me in the direction to the waiting room and said " I am so sorry I had to ask you those questions, you were a great patient". 


I can't help but wonder if my heart will always skip a beat every time someone asks me those uncomfortable questions that I am dying to hear. And that I'm dying to answer.