Saturday, April 19, 2014

If you can love TOO much, I've gone and done it.

It's been on mind and I can't make it stop. I can't ask for a do over. I can't go back and erase my mistakes. 

I feel as if I've over loved. I know you think it's not possible and I know you think I'm perhaps even sick in the head to feel as if I could. But if you haven't stood where I stand, well let me say....These are shoes you don't even want to try on, let  alone walk in. 

I fear that in my attempts to prove to myself that I could ,after all, love another child as much as I loved Brody, I over compensated ...greatly. 

Where does the problem lie, you ask?  How do you love too much. It's called guilt and it will eat you alive if you let it. 

I held him longer, I never let him cry. I'm not talking about "cry it out", I'm talking about if he whimpered, I was there. He slept and still sleeps in our bed because there I could and can watch him breathe and I literally watched him take every breath and asked. No begged God to never let that breath cease. 

He depends on me. I understand that. But I feel like in a way, I've let him down. I'm his lifeline but I'm also his deficit. 

In even saying or typing rather these words, I feel as if my "complaints" disappoint God and my son that is with him. How can I even be annoyed that Isaac pulls on my pant legs and refuses to let me sleep through the night without kicking the crap out of me? How can I do this? 

I've gone over the idea in y head that possibly God knew I'd make a poor excuse for a mother. That the sound of my child's cry would literally make me want to pull my hair out. I've gone over the idea that Brody was no accident. He would be better off in Heaven and Isaac was Gods way of saying I told you so. 

So I over loved and now I can't go back and if given the chance, I wouldn't do it differently. I'd over love again and again and again. 

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