I know that I have really been slacking with updates. I really want to sit down and get caught up but right now I just feel as if it is in my best interest to rest as much as I can.
I will post pictures and drawing as soon as possible.
For inquiring minds, everything is fine. I am currently 36 weeks and 3 days, I've had one false alarm, and as of last Wednesday, I was 1 1/2 cm dilated and 50% effaced so baby Isaac is getting ready to make his debut. I have an appointment tomorrow to see if there is any changes.
I sincerely apologize for my laziness but I wanted to check in and let everyone know that every things is fine. Thank you all for understanding and hopefully the next post will be a "He is here" post!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
week 33 update
Week 33 was a doozy. Emotionally, I was kinda a wreck. I was having panic attacks left and right. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest and breathing became a bit of a problem. I wasn't even sure why and I couldn't even put it into words, it just started happening.
That week, I noticed a change. I started not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, talk to anyone except my husband, and I especially didn't want to see or visit with anyone. I know that sounds awful and once again, I can't even explain it. And it hasn't gone away yet. The only place I ever really feel like going is to my appointments and even then, I push myself.
So, when it came time to go to my husband's work Christmas party, once again...I pushed myself. I'm glad I did because I actually had a good time but I was happy to be home too.
I also started to feel REEEEAAALLY pregnant. The wobbling and hugeness really set in but that just means that it is getting closer and closer to the time where we get to meet Isaac.
Stay tuned for week 34 update, it may or may not include some pretty exciting news!
That week, I noticed a change. I started not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, talk to anyone except my husband, and I especially didn't want to see or visit with anyone. I know that sounds awful and once again, I can't even explain it. And it hasn't gone away yet. The only place I ever really feel like going is to my appointments and even then, I push myself.
I also started to feel REEEEAAALLY pregnant. The wobbling and hugeness really set in but that just means that it is getting closer and closer to the time where we get to meet Isaac.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
week 32 update
Week 32 was the start of my non stress tests. Two a week. Ive had four so far and they have all been great. Isaac seems to be behaving and not making any trouble, which is a bit unusual for him.
My anxiety did seem to start in week 32 and has only increased since but my energy level seemed to be good as I started obsessing a bit about the cleanliness and organization of the house.
Other than that week 32 was pretty boring, I guess it was preparation for a not so boring week 33.
It was unusually warm for Pa so we decided to take a belly picture outside. I would say that I definitely started to pop. My belly button has officially become an outie.
Week 32's drawing is of me getting my non stress test. The size of the baby was said to be that of a jicama. Once again, something that I have never heard of or seen but I guess they are in the potato family. I don't know. Either way, Isaac is getting bigger everyday for sure.
I have really started to enjoy his funny movements and trying to determine what body part is protruding from my belly. I try to get videos of his shenanigans but as soon as I reach for my phone, he stops. I will be sure to post a video as soon as he let me catch him in the action.
My anxiety did seem to start in week 32 and has only increased since but my energy level seemed to be good as I started obsessing a bit about the cleanliness and organization of the house.
Other than that week 32 was pretty boring, I guess it was preparation for a not so boring week 33.
I have really started to enjoy his funny movements and trying to determine what body part is protruding from my belly. I try to get videos of his shenanigans but as soon as I reach for my phone, he stops. I will be sure to post a video as soon as he let me catch him in the action.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Are we there yet?
I will get to week 32 update soon, I promise. But for now, I'm gonna talk about my day yesterday.
I thought about just keeping it to myself and not sharing on the blog but then I remembered reading other baby loss blogs and all of their raw and blemished truth. I remember how even though it was sad, it was true. I have to be honest with my readers just in case they are feeling the same way, I can't let them be alone.
I guess I have made it pretty clear that this pregnancy hasn't been an easy venture. Sure, it is something we wanted, something we planned, and something special beyond belief. But that's not to say that it hasn't had its moments of hurt, pain, and tears... lots of tears.
This is something hard for me to admit and something that I don't like talking about. I have suffered with an anxiety disorder pretty much as long as I can remember, however, sometime around the point where I met Adam I figured out how to manage it on my own without medication. I hate my anxiety but it loooooves me.
I thought I would be able to organize my anxious thoughts and my normal pregnancy hormones into their designated spots in my brain but somewhere between "holy shit, I buried my first baby" and having to repeat that out loud and appear totally "strong" while doing it, my brain has turned into a hoarder's dream. Organization is the last thing going on in there. I know everything that could go wrong, I think about it, I dwell on it, I convince myself that it definitely will happen to me all while my heart prays that it will not.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling short of breath and dizzy upon standing. Then my anxiety took over. My heart was beating a mile a minute and instantly "something was wrong, it had to be". I had no control over it and as a control freak in total denial, the lack of control gave me even more anxiety.
I was going in for a non stress test anyhow so I thought I would just let them know that I wasn't feeling well while I was there. The non stress test went well, my blood pressure was good, nothing was off but they didn't want to risk it so they sent me to triage. They ran a few tests and everything came back normal. The doctor told me she wished she could find a medical student to show them how well Isaac looked on the monitor. They told me his stats were that of a term baby and that my EKG was perfect. All this great news was being thrown at me and yet I sat there in the most uncomfortable bed I had ever been in crying hysterically. I thought about the lack of crying that I did when I had heart the news that Brody wasn't living anymore. Why was I so backwards?
I felt embarrassed, I felt like a hypochondriac, I felt like they were all judging me while they repeatedly told me they thought that "seeing someone to talk to" was a good idea. I sat and shook my head up and down and screamed "NO" inside of my head. I can just imagine the kind of nut job they must of thought I was.
The ER doctor brought up inducing me early. I told her it was not what I wanted and that my doctors seem to think that I should just let it happen naturally but she seemed to think differently. She told me she was going to put it in my notes to discuss it with my doctor on Tuesday. She said that it might not be a bad idea because of everything I had been through and all of the anxiety I was experiencing. I still don't know where I stand on it. Part of me wants everything to be as normal as possible but another part of me doesn't care how or when he gets here, as long as he gets here breathing.
I wish I could put it into words that would help everyone understand the difference between this pregnancy and pregnancies that "other" people have. I know everyone gets anxious and excited to have their baby just be here, I know some women hate being pregnant and can't wait to get it over with. I understand all of that. I don't hate being pregnant. I do hate that my first pregnancy ended with a baby in the ground instead of in my arms. I've tried to make this pregnancy an experience that was as normal and joyous as possible and I think I have succeeded in doing so considering all of the ups and down we have endured so far.
So while I am enjoying Isaac's new martial arts practice and the way he seems to like things his way, I can't wait for the day that I feel the need to protect him outside of my seemingly deadly womb and my lips bleeding from chewing them raw.
I've gotten to this point that I am at right now. Which is 33 weeks and 2 days so why does less than 7 weeks feel like a million years away?
I thought about just keeping it to myself and not sharing on the blog but then I remembered reading other baby loss blogs and all of their raw and blemished truth. I remember how even though it was sad, it was true. I have to be honest with my readers just in case they are feeling the same way, I can't let them be alone.
I guess I have made it pretty clear that this pregnancy hasn't been an easy venture. Sure, it is something we wanted, something we planned, and something special beyond belief. But that's not to say that it hasn't had its moments of hurt, pain, and tears... lots of tears.
This is something hard for me to admit and something that I don't like talking about. I have suffered with an anxiety disorder pretty much as long as I can remember, however, sometime around the point where I met Adam I figured out how to manage it on my own without medication. I hate my anxiety but it loooooves me.
I thought I would be able to organize my anxious thoughts and my normal pregnancy hormones into their designated spots in my brain but somewhere between "holy shit, I buried my first baby" and having to repeat that out loud and appear totally "strong" while doing it, my brain has turned into a hoarder's dream. Organization is the last thing going on in there. I know everything that could go wrong, I think about it, I dwell on it, I convince myself that it definitely will happen to me all while my heart prays that it will not.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling short of breath and dizzy upon standing. Then my anxiety took over. My heart was beating a mile a minute and instantly "something was wrong, it had to be". I had no control over it and as a control freak in total denial, the lack of control gave me even more anxiety.
I was going in for a non stress test anyhow so I thought I would just let them know that I wasn't feeling well while I was there. The non stress test went well, my blood pressure was good, nothing was off but they didn't want to risk it so they sent me to triage. They ran a few tests and everything came back normal. The doctor told me she wished she could find a medical student to show them how well Isaac looked on the monitor. They told me his stats were that of a term baby and that my EKG was perfect. All this great news was being thrown at me and yet I sat there in the most uncomfortable bed I had ever been in crying hysterically. I thought about the lack of crying that I did when I had heart the news that Brody wasn't living anymore. Why was I so backwards?
I felt embarrassed, I felt like a hypochondriac, I felt like they were all judging me while they repeatedly told me they thought that "seeing someone to talk to" was a good idea. I sat and shook my head up and down and screamed "NO" inside of my head. I can just imagine the kind of nut job they must of thought I was.
The ER doctor brought up inducing me early. I told her it was not what I wanted and that my doctors seem to think that I should just let it happen naturally but she seemed to think differently. She told me she was going to put it in my notes to discuss it with my doctor on Tuesday. She said that it might not be a bad idea because of everything I had been through and all of the anxiety I was experiencing. I still don't know where I stand on it. Part of me wants everything to be as normal as possible but another part of me doesn't care how or when he gets here, as long as he gets here breathing.
I wish I could put it into words that would help everyone understand the difference between this pregnancy and pregnancies that "other" people have. I know everyone gets anxious and excited to have their baby just be here, I know some women hate being pregnant and can't wait to get it over with. I understand all of that. I don't hate being pregnant. I do hate that my first pregnancy ended with a baby in the ground instead of in my arms. I've tried to make this pregnancy an experience that was as normal and joyous as possible and I think I have succeeded in doing so considering all of the ups and down we have endured so far.
So while I am enjoying Isaac's new martial arts practice and the way he seems to like things his way, I can't wait for the day that I feel the need to protect him outside of my seemingly deadly womb and my lips bleeding from chewing them raw.
I've gotten to this point that I am at right now. Which is 33 weeks and 2 days so why does less than 7 weeks feel like a million years away?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)