Borderline insane

I don't have time to blog. I don't have time to eat sometimes. 

I haven't wore makeup in so long, the junk sitting on my vanity is probably expired not to mention the fact that my eyeliner doesn't go on quite as stemless and perfect as it used to. 

Last week my anxiety took on a life of its own when my baby became ill for the very first time. 

My legs aren't shaved, my hair has been in a bun so long it hurts, and my wardrobe consists of yoga pants and a v neck shirt for easy nursing access. Some days Isaac stays in his night time white onsie all day with sweet potato stains. 

My laundry sits in a basket till it gets put on, my dishes get done when we run out of forks or when my husband ever so bravely does them. He also makes dinner most of the time if I didn't have a second to throw something in the crock pot while I was chugging coffee and switching the baby from one hip to another. 

I don't have time to take the 8 month picture. I don't have time to blog. I love my baby. I let him nap in my arms. I cry because I can't put him down but the next second I refuse to. 

Life is crazy. It's borderline insane. 

I am a mommy. 

Life is exactly what I've always dreamed it to be. 

My rainbow

I haven't got to posting a 7 month update yet but I have discovered the blogger app on my phone. Woohoo. Which means I can get a post in during bad morning nap time. Aka baby is in my arms after an early morning bellyache and blowout and I'm blogging away with my thumb. :). 

Whatever works. 

I can't believe my sweet rainbow baby is THIS big. He is such a little man. I often look at him and already see a toddler forming. 

It used to be somewhat annoying hearing "enjoy it, it goes so fast" but, oh my word...it's true! 

August came and went. It was very crappy. Different but crappy. It made me miss the days I had the time to drown myself in my own tears and lay down with grief and snuggle up. 

I was snuggling up with something and someone different this time. It felt good but it pierced my heart in a way that made me feel like I was betraying my grief. I had an ongoing relationship going with it. I still do. But it's long distant now. We aren't face to face. We don't snuggle up. We don't embrace. We are distant but I still know its there waiting. 

I have moments. I hear a song. I have days that the sun shines and I miss the freedom of only having the grief to cuddle. Brody felt close. Heaven felt close. 

But... I think it goes without saying. I live for this face...this smile. I go on because of him. I wake every morning for him. My little rainbow. He truly does make the sun shine brighter. 

It's happening.

I remember thinking that Isaac would be 7 months on Brody's second birthday. 

I remember thinking it would be hard but I didn't know how to prepare. I didn't know what to expect. Old grief? New grief? Grief that was odd and unrecognized?

I could avoid a calendar and all existence and still know that August 21st is approaching. The sky gets clearer, the wind dusts my hair away in a ghost town sort of way. Tears that seemed distant sit at the edge of my eye lids. 

It's happening. 

Only THIS year I can't consume myself. I can't dive into grief and swim in a pool of tears. I have Isaac to care for. 

So I'm now faced with the tug of war that I knew would be my inevitable fate when I became pregnant with Isaac. 

Isaac know I'm off. He can feel the irritability of me wanting to cry, wanting to lay on the floor and scream for my baby. 

This is where it gets sticky for outsiders. " Tia, you have a baby...why are you sad?"

I'm sure to everyone around me Isaac was to be my magic pill for grief. It simply doesn't work like that. He is my second son. I will forever grieve for his brother. If Brody hadn't died, Isaac wouldn't be here. And that is a hard pill to swallow. 

six months

As you can tell, six months has been crazy. This picture is as real as it gets and that's why I didn't change him when he spit up his sweet potatoes right before we took the picture. My husband had surgery on his hip so I've literally been running around my house trying to do everything myself. Here is my official shout out to single moms...GO YOU!

I'm pretty proud of myself for even getting these pictures in...

 

He is getting so big and I really am enjoying every second, as they say.

 

 

 

ooops 5 months

Wow, time really flies when you have a little one at home. He is almost 6 months and I haven't even posted his 5 month update yet. I apologize. I never know how long nap time will actually be so it is rush rush all of the time around here during nap time and blogging is sorta on the back burner. I will try harder.

Every day is an adventure and busy busy. We have a routine accomplished and started with what I predict is a favorite food: sweet potatoes. Ive never seen someone so excited about food. Well, besides myself. Obviously, he will be a foodie like his mommy. Adam always makes fun of me about my food obsession. When I'm eating breakfast, I'm thinking about what I will be having for lunch and dinner. Thank God for good metabolism.

I do fear that he takes after his Dad when it comes to never ever wanted to relax and sit still for a gosh darn minute. I think I may really have my hands full when he gets moving.

And every morning we wake up and say "yep, cuter than yesterday".

I will try to get another post in before the 6 month update but as for now...I am being summoned.

4 months and beautifully broken

He rolled over the day he turned four months old. He laughs and he knows who I am. A mommas boy to say the least. He looks at me when my my eyes wonder past his to his brother's picture on the tv stand and he smiles that toothless smile and crumples up his neck. Sometimes, I swear he knows that I'm beautifully broken.

As a baby loss mommy, I vowed from the very second the dust cleared from the wreckage that IF I was ever pregnant again and IF I ever actually had a baby in my arms that I would never ever complain.

It is a tug of war I play with myself everyday. It gets painful.

Isaac is a blessing. He pretty much sleeps all night and even though I was used to 10 plus hours before he arrived, I do pretty good on the 6 or 7 that he allows.

I would be lying if I said it was all easy and that I wake up like a stepford wife my hair always done, my makeup flawless, I get all the laundry put away and dinner on the table and that I carry a smile on my face at every single moment.

The truth is its painfully hard. I'm beautifully broken.

I'm nothing like I used to be. Brody changed me first. Everything became real. I would have danced in the rain. I mean, I found truth in everything. I found beauty in everything. If the sky would have fallen, I would have said it was meant to be.

Today, I'm new. I'm simple. I live for one thing only from day to day. Isaac. He makes me find joy in the most simplest of thoughts. When he cries, I truly feel pain.

But...sometimes it gets hard. I'm still a mom. A broken one, but still I am

I get frustrated and I tug, I've cried when he cried and I tug, I get to feel like I need to lock myself in the pantry like Charlotte in Sex in the City and I tug.

It's the guilt and I know it. Guilt or the Devil.

They both try to bring me down and feel guilty for feeling normal thoughts. I know their normal because Ive heard other moms talk about it.

What if I was broke to be fixed? A thought that has occurred more than once, believe me.

What if God thought I would have been a horrible mother to Brody? What If I would have lost my cool? What if I would have ended up like one of those crazy moms who just cannot take it anymore and runs off to Florida never to be seen again? So he broke me, he took the biggest chunk of me.

What if Isaac was my fix? What if he was meant to put me back together.

Its all in a form of a very large pill. And they are all hard to swallow.

3 months: The rise and fall

Three months into being parents of a baby here on earth.

 

Will I ever stop looking at him in disbelief? will I ever stop worrying so greatly? Will I ever stop watching for the rise and fall?

 

He sleeps sometimes for almost 8 straight hours. I'm sure that every other mommy would be more than satisfied, I'm sure that every other mommy would feel rested.

 

Not this mommy, this mommy wakes to watch the rise and fall.

 

I really breathe him in, I really soak it all up. I love his sweaty smell sometimes, I love the breast milk breath, I love the way he looks at me like he is falling in love each time and I love the rise and fall.

 

I sometimes catch him staring through me, around me. I catch him talking to himself and giggling at what appears to be nothing. I ask him if he is playing with his brother.

 

I always knew I would be one of those parents who watched their baby sleep but I never thought about the fear of not seeing the rise and fall of his little chest. If I can't clearly see it, I place my hand there to feel it. If it still isn't obvious enough for me, I make noises...I wake the poor sleeping child. He quickly falls back to into his slumber, back to where I like to think he plays with Brody but my mind wonders. It wonders to dark places that so desperately beg God that he will never truly be with his brother in my lifetime.

His personality is like I dreamt him up myself. Made him up, created the mold, broke it, then clicked my heals three times and poof...

He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. He makes me fall in love with his Daddy all over again.

He makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Watching his sweet rise and fall

 

from blue to greenish

I just wanted to share my new blog with everyone. I hope that if you are interested in natural products, baby products, cloth diapering, crafts....Oh I can go on and on. I just hope that you will check out the new blog and share with your friends. These are things that I love talking about and would love to hear from others who love to talk about them too.

http://frombluetogreenish.blogspot.com/

Month 2

Does anyone else think it is incredible that I have a 2 month old? Adam is probably sick of me saying "I can't believe he is ours"or "can you believe I gave birth to him"?

Issac is getting so big and so alert. Ha, what a face!

 

He is truly the goofy but wise beyond his years boy that I have always dreamt of having. He is really into listening to music which makes me so happy and proud. He loves being read to and talked to like an adult. He looks at you like your crazy if you use "the baby talk voice".

The smiling is just too much. He giggles in his sleep which leads me to the conclusion that he must be playing with his brother in his dreams. Ah, but he also whimpers in his sleep, which sadly makes me think he knows he has to come back to reality and Brody stays in his dreams. Don't worry Isaac, it makes mommy just as sad.

I'm totally grasping why they call babies after a loss a rainbow baby. They certainly don't make you forget about the destruction of the storm but seeing that beautiful rainbow does ease the pure agony that it brought forth.

As for the product or item that we couldn't live without. There might be too many to talk about. Pandora has sure saved us a few times. Gripe water really helps soothe his belly issues. Sadly, he got his mommy's belly. He already grew out of his Woombie because he is super long but we have moved on to the Halo Sleep Sack. I don't love it as much as the woombie but it does the job.

Also, we have discovered a bath in lavender essential oils is pretty much a miracle. God sent, nothing shorter.

One more thing. I will be starting a new blog soon. From Blue to Greenish. I hope you all will follow. Since giving birth, my body has done a total shift. I pretty much started getting hives from everything from my make-up to soap so I decided to go "green". I started making a few things on my own and also buying organic and natural items as well.

When I started cloth diapering, I wanted to do it because I knew it was better for Isaac but mostly because they were so darn cute but now it has lead me from being very sad and blue about Brody to being a Greenish mommy for Isaac. I will keep everyone updated on when the blog will go live. Thanx all!

 

The first month

The first month was everything I had expected it to be and a lot more. There were only a few times where I thought I might pull my hair out and a ton of moments where I thought I had truly been dreaming.

Could it really be that this precious on earth angel was mine? Sure, I had carried him for almost 10 months but part of me never expected him to actually come home with us. Eeee, I know, I hate even admitting that.

There were plans that I had and had to change but that is what parenting is all about. Right....RIGHT?

Nursing was a breeze. What a relief. All my insane research paid off. He literally came out an expert breastfeeder. Is that a word? I was so proud of him and myself too. We had a bit of hump during the third week when I realized I wasn't making enough milk and my lil guy was hungry. I was in tears along with him. I refused to supplement so I did something almost as bad...listened to my mother. haha, just kidding. She suggested having a beer so that is exactly what I did in pure desperation to feed my child. It worked and now we are making enough milk for a football team. Hmmm, maybe that's not the best way to put it.

Anywho

My no bink policy got thrown to the waist side about 2 weeks in when I realized his need to suck was so big that my poor "bottles" couldn't let him do it all night long.

Cloth diapering took an entire month to get in place. It is literally a lot of trial and error. We finally found the diaper that works best for us was an old style prefold and a cover. Should of guessed. I could really go on and on about CDing but I will spare you...but if you are interested and want to hear or want some tips or advice, don't hesitate to throw an email and ask.

I have decided to write each month about one product we could absolutely not do without. The first month, it was definitely the Woombie. Adam and I must have asked three nurses in the hospital to show us how to swaddle. We failed miserably when we got home but Isaac really needed it so when we found this product, it was like Heaven shined down upon us and we heard angels sing. Finally, we were getting some sleep. He doesn't sleep "through the night" but he sleeps in blocks of 3. First being 4-5 hours, second about 2, and the last 2 more. I'm no expert, but I've heard through the new mommy grapevine, that that is pretty darn good. If you are a new mommy, seriously check out the link! Thank me later.

My mom and I really tried to get a good 1 month picture and well, with a one month old...this was the best we could do. If you look close, my mom's hands are behind him holding him so he doesn't fall over.

Here is Isaac trying on some of my creations. To think that I started crocheting because of Brody and now I'm putting my work on his Brother...yea, it kinda makes my heart explode with love.

Please come back each month as I try to improve my photography skills. Yikes!

family of four

Last night as our family lay in bed, Isaac in the middle, one hand wrapped around my finger and one hand wrapped around his Dad's. I felt tears rolling down my face and I honestly couldn't tell if they were that of joy or that of sadness.

Please don't miss understand me. The amount of joy that Isaac has created is immeasurable but as I watched the love between Adam and Isaac, I suddenly felt the immeasurable absence of Brody.

To everyone else, we look like a family of three but in our hearts we are a family of four. A family of four minus one. I asked Adam if having Isaac here helps with the pain. He responded the same way I would have. "No, but it helps to keep you occupied".

Not that we don't think about the pain, not that it has suddenly vanished, not that Brody isn't still our first child. It is just that between the diapers, the feedings, the smiles, the insane amount of love, the pain has found a semi permanent place a little below the surface of where it used to reside.

For some reason, my love for Isaac doesn't bring the pain closer to the top as much as watching Adam and Isaac does.

As one might think, watching them and their shenanigans (pretty sure Isaac thought he could get milk from Dad's nose) does make me think of what could have been but it also makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. And well, who couldn't love that baby?

There were days

I'm gonna be honest. There were days when waiting for Isaac were utterly exhausting.

There were days,even though I felt as if I just knew he would be okay, actually not knowing for sure had my mind running in circles. So much so that all the running left me tired. Physically tired. I felt like I had made rounds in a crazy circus fun house only it wasn't so fun.





Before I read the positive on the test, I told Adam that if I ever got pregnant again that I would never complain. I lied.

I tried not to. It wasnt the normal pregnant complaining though. I literally felt that Isaac would be safer outside of my womb than on the inside.

I tried really hard not to take every pregnant moment for granted. I basked in the glory of the cravings, of the relaxtion, of the sleep (what is sleep again?). I enjoyed it as much as I possibly could.

There were days when my mind thought he would be okay at 24 weeks, 29 weeks, 32 weeks...if only he could just come out then...he would be fine.

Now, I'm so happy he made it to 39 weeks.

When I told everyone that this was it for us, they were sure I would change my mind and as soon as Isaac came, I would be thinking about giving him and Brody a brother or sister some day.

Well, to put it simply...No way! There is not an ounce of me that wants to go through it again.

I know that sounds so selfish but being pregnant after a loss is totally different than just being pregnant.

My body felt like a ticking time bomb, my womb felt like a granade with a previously pulled safety lever...Just waiting to go off. I felt like I was walking through a land mine for 10 months. I was at war with myself. I felt joy and I felt agony...each pulling at eachother, trying depretly to come out on top.

Everyday, I woke up relieved that I wasn't waking up in pain. I wasn't waking up to my last pregnant day.

There were people that told me. Just wait, you will miss being pregnant.

Nope.

I loved being pregnant with Brody. I loved and hated being pregnant with Isaac. I just wanted my baby here. Safe and in my arms.

There were days when I wanted the wait to just be over.

Worth the wait?

 

ABSOLUTELY!

Isaac's debut

I know that it has been what feels like forever since I have written and I feel extremely bad about it. But I think I have a pretty good excuse.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy were rough. Physically and emotionally pretty draining.

But then the day came. My doctors decided they didn't want me to go past 39 weeks so on Monday the 14th, we went in to be induced but Isaac had plans of his own. When we arrived at the hospital, I went into labor on my own.

They did start me on a small amount of pitocin to get things moving along.

My labor and delivery was so calm and easy that I thought I had been dreaming. I had prayed that it would be that way but I never thought that it would be something I look back upon with enjoyment.

It went so fast and then there he was. I had an increasing fear that he would come out silent and when he was laying on my chest making normal healthy baby noises, I stared in total shock. I couldn't say anything. I remember one of the nurses ask "Mrs. Lukehart, are you okay?". I whispered to Adam "he is alive".

He was 7lbs, 10 oz, 21 inches long and totally perfect. I never even counted toes and fingers. I just stared.
I didn't take many pictures in the hospital. I had planned on it but got so caught up in Isaac that nothing else was more important that holding him, smelling him, kissing him. Just breathing him in.

After we got home, I started to have a little trouble. I wont go into details but to all of the mothers out there, I'm sure you understand. I am just starting to feel like a normal human being again.

We have been home for almost two weeks now and I'm still in shock. I'm still wondering who came into the room with a baby and told us it was ours. I can't believe this wonderful and joyous miracle is something WE created. I couldn't wait till he opened his eyes so I could gaze into them and I do so every chance I get.

I had this fear when I was pregnant that I would be a terrible mother, that I would be so overwhelmed and sleep deprived that I would secretly regret him, or even worse that I would be stricken with postpartum depression.

Those fears vanished. They couldn't be further from what is going on in our household at this very minute. I mention to Adam at least once a day that I'm convinced God made me to be a mother. Everything fell into place and we couldn't be any more blessed.

The question remains...Do I think we feel so blessed because of the loss of Brody?  Yes. The fact is if Brody was here, Isaac would not be. It is a truth that hurts and heals my heart.

Brody surrounds us. Every moment of everyday. He is the reason I gaze into Isaac's eyes with a love I never thought could exist, he is the reason I wake at 3am to nurse without hesitation or regret, he is the reason I kiss a mouth that just threw up breast milk two seconds before, the reason I volunteer to change a smelly diaper because part of me loves it.

I fall more in more in love everyday and I so look forward to sharing the adventures of Isaac with you all. Oh, and the few hundred pictures that I take everyday. ;)