Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The bitterness of the sweet

You know, if you would have told me 7 months ago that I would be smiling real smiles, finding hope through helping others find theirs, and seeing brighter days ahead through lots of stormy clouds...I might have not believed you.

I don't particularly find myself writing more about good days than bad or bad days than good, I just write about what I'm feeling  each step of the way even when I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other.

Whether a bad day or good, I'm always finding myself on a sort of...tightrope. Like everyday is a balancing act. Maybe it's more like a teeter totter. I'm up, I'm down. If I'm down and really sad, I push up and find myself as equally as high as I was low less than a second ago. Every emotion now, is felt ten fold. All my joys are simply amazing and my pain hurts worse than it ever has before.

I often find myself wondering if you guys (the readers) think that I'm glamorizing my grief. While it's true that I don't find it necessary to discuss my deepest and darkest moments, I promise that I try to be as honest as I can be without scaring you. I talk a lot about hope and finding peace in brighter days ahead but there are days that are really scary too. Just remember, all that glitters in not gold. Even when I'm looking like I'm having the time of my life, inside, I'm secretly I'm asking Brody if it's okay to laugh and smile this hard without him.

It is so hard to explain this, in some ways...I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel like some things are really coming together, the way I had always dreamt of but under circumstances that are an absolute nightmare.

I'm writing again. A passion I have had as long as I can remember. I'm writing something that is available to a whole other world...the Internet. A little scary? Um....yes, but for some reason, now, scary has become something I like to try and overcome.I've found amazing friends that I probably would not have found if my son was alive. That is a bittersweet feeling if I've ever felt one.  I'm helping people. I have always loved helping people. Some of my favorite jobs were ones that I was helping others. Essentially, that is why I have a minor in Psychology. I had dreams of helping others who needed help, but just never could pinpoint where my passion was. Lastly, I'm running my own online business. That kinda sounds silly for me to say. B Bands has given me such an opportunity to help others in a way that could not be possible any other way.

I miss him, I miss him all day, everyday. I wonder what he would look like today being the ripe old age of 7 months. I wonder if he would have my green eyes or Adam's bright blue eyes.

I miss you Brody Michael, but I want to thank you for making the best out of this situation that is truly heartbreaking.

"Your absence has gone through me like a tread through a needle...Everything I do is stitched with it's color" - W.S. Merwin

No comments:

Post a Comment