I still feel this way, I honestly still love Christmas, but part of me aches inside right now. Every Christmas song reminds me of Brody. It doesn't always make me sad, but every happy little jingle about "missing your baby on Christmas" has a new meaning to me. Baby, in the songs, I have always guessed to mean your significant other, your partner, your better half, but now the word "baby" just sticks out like a sore thumb. Then there are songs like silent night and oh holy night that make me compare Brody to baby Jesus. I know how that sounds but I have always just said it like it was on here so I'm not about to start hiding my thoughts and feelings now. I guess in some ways it makes me feel even closer to God, sympathizing with him in a strange way but at the same time wishing Brody was here here instead of with Him.
These are some lyrics to Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you".
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of childrens
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...
I believe in God, and that little girl inside even still believes in Santa, but I am well aware that neither of them can bring me what I really want for Christmas this year.
I was making crafts the other night while listening to Christmas music on the television. Bruce Spingsteen's version of "Santa Clause is coming to town" came on and I said to Adam "You know, when I was a little girl, this was my favorite Christmas song". A future moment flashed in my head of me singing it to Brody and....I lost it! It will never happen. The reality is sinking in a little deeper these days and it hurts like a thousand knifes in my heart. The numbness is wearing off, a little more each day. The realization of Brody's body being in the cold ground and his soul being somewhere I cannot go to visit gets a bit clearer everyday.
When I was pregnant, I realized our Christmas would be completely different this year, I had never imagined it would be this kind of different. I thought it would be less about us and more about our 3 month old little boy, I thought it would be new bibs that said "baby's first Christmas", and our families "patiently" taking turns to hold our new bundle of joy.
Adam and I ventured out for some black Friday shopping. We have done it for three years. We never really run into huge crowds or anyone who is aggressive or mean. We take our time and shop for our loved ones and listen to the Christmas music playing throughout the mall. We had 4 babies to shop for this year. I hadn't thought twice about walking through the baby section but when I started to realize where I was, looking around at all the things I had registered for, I felt like someone had punched me right in the gut. The baby girl clothes didn't bother me as much but those baby boy Christmas outfits had me breathing extra hard and holding back tears that felt like needles coming out of my eyes. A deep, dark, and unfamiliar voice in my head said "I hate Christmas". It scared me and I didn't like it, I didn't like having a second of hatred for something that has made me ooze joy for 29 years. I pulled myself together while leaving the baby section and headed to checkout.
I don't have any particular ideas about how I'm gonna get through this season but I do know it's going to involve a lot of support from family and friends and knowing Brody is always close by. By support, I do not mean that puppy dog look of sadness people get right before they ask me "Are you okay" in a voice that sounds condescending or totally forgetting Brody existed. Support meaning laughter, smiling, speaking of Brody like he is my son and not the pink elephant in the room and maybe even an Will Ferrell "Elf" reference or two.
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| Brody's first ornament from my Aunt Debbie and Uncle Dave |
Merry Christmas Brody! I love you
Christmas is such a tough one. I remember one of the first times I went out after Ewan died was to a women's Christmas dinner a friend's church was hosting. And I remember it hitting me that night in a way it hadn't before that Christmas is all about a baby boy. And I lost it, too.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know anyone at that table except the friend who had invited me. But it didn't take too long to learn after we were all chatting and got to the "tell me about your kids" part that I learned that I wasn't the only one at that table of 8 who had lost a baby. In fact, two other women at that table had each lost a baby boy. I was surprised to find out in the course of conversation where I expected to feel marginalized and alone that I wasn't.
I know you (and I, to be honest) are going to have a lot more moments on Christmas where we will mourn all the plans and dreams we had that we will never get to see fulfilled. But I hope for you also Tia, that you will find grace in unexpected places, moments where you expect to feel alone and instead, find that you aren't at all.
Grace & peace,
kirsten