3 months: The rise and fall

Three months into being parents of a baby here on earth.

 

Will I ever stop looking at him in disbelief? will I ever stop worrying so greatly? Will I ever stop watching for the rise and fall?

 

He sleeps sometimes for almost 8 straight hours. I'm sure that every other mommy would be more than satisfied, I'm sure that every other mommy would feel rested.

 

Not this mommy, this mommy wakes to watch the rise and fall.

 

I really breathe him in, I really soak it all up. I love his sweaty smell sometimes, I love the breast milk breath, I love the way he looks at me like he is falling in love each time and I love the rise and fall.

 

I sometimes catch him staring through me, around me. I catch him talking to himself and giggling at what appears to be nothing. I ask him if he is playing with his brother.

 

I always knew I would be one of those parents who watched their baby sleep but I never thought about the fear of not seeing the rise and fall of his little chest. If I can't clearly see it, I place my hand there to feel it. If it still isn't obvious enough for me, I make noises...I wake the poor sleeping child. He quickly falls back to into his slumber, back to where I like to think he plays with Brody but my mind wonders. It wonders to dark places that so desperately beg God that he will never truly be with his brother in my lifetime.

His personality is like I dreamt him up myself. Made him up, created the mold, broke it, then clicked my heals three times and poof...

He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. He makes me fall in love with his Daddy all over again.

He makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Watching his sweet rise and fall