I've heard it before, the worst part about grieving is that at some point, everyone else around you will start to forget and move on with their lives and you are still there...right in the middle of the hurricane. They clean up and brush themselves off and there you are left standing, covered in dust and debris, just looking around wondering where you should go from there. How do you move on? How do you re-build? How are YOU expected to forget what just tore through your life and left pieces? I've heard it and it is true! There are no words sometimes to describe it except for...it just sucks :(
I feel relieved that people have stopped walking on eggshells but there is still a part of me questioning why they have stopped and I miss the eggshells.
Sometimes I feel like I have an incurable disease. You know, one that isn't necessarily life threatening if you give yourself daily injections of tlc and pop your daily "positive outlook" pill, geez, but in the end...it is still there and you can only hope that it's not contagious. TIME goes on and you feel like you are managing your symptoms, but YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HEAL.
All my life, I have watched people on the news, movies, or even in real life make something positive from their own tragedies. I would always think to myself "How in the world are they doing this?". Now I know, sometimes you do it because it is the ONLY choice. So, with that said... Here is Brody's second project. I'm beside myself with excitement about it.
Brody's 2nd Project:
When I started Brody's Project 1, I wanted it to be small but had such big ideas. I had no platform to work from though. B Bands has given me that platform. Brody amazes me, that is all I can say.
B Bands will be holding an auction on Leap Year (how ironic) 2/29. So far, we have several vendors participating in the auction. I will be making a very special frog hat. The money from the auction will be going to both March of Dimes and to a family that has recently lost their baby.
I created a virtual band in Brody's memory and that is where the money will be donated. Here is the link to that: Brody's band. Feel free to donate in Brody's name directly on there or participate in the auction if you would like. You can read more about the auction and sweet baby Austin here: Leap Year Auction.
I remain convinced that Brody's life was for a reason, same as each and every one else in this world. The other evening, while checking the stats on the blog and looking at the new live feed (Thanx Jesica), I seen there were visitors from Florida, South Carolina, Iowa, and Ohio. Vendors were donating left and right and I felt Brody's spirit run through me and all around. Tears filled my eyes and warmth filled my heart. I love you Brody....You are amazing!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
When everything fell apart, things fell together
I can only speak for myself and about our experience with death and loss. Just like any other experience in life, we all handle things and cope differently.
Our journey, in my opinion, has been very eye opening in many ways. Heartbreaking? of course but in many ways, when everything seemed like it was falling apart...we started to see that things were just falling together as well.
Everything about Brody's death seemed...dare I say it....meant to be.
A girlfriend asked me the other day, while I was showing her my bracelet with my birthstone, Adam's birthstone, and Brody's green birthstone "Did you know his birthstone was going to be green?". "Of course not", I said, "I thought it would be pink, like mine". His due date was in October, I had no idea he would be showing up in angel form in August.
At the hospital, Adam's Dad mentioned he had bought a plot next to Mary Sue (Adam's Mom) years ago but had never actually wanted to be buried. He wasn't sure why he bought it but we all knew right then and there, it was where Brody was meant to be buried, right next to his Grandmother.
The day we came home from the hospital, our sewage was backed up. Oddly enough, my first thought was "Oh well, it could be worse". I never said "What else?", how could I. I had lost all my dreams of becoming a mother, in that moment, there wasn't anything worse. I called my father in law to get someone out there to help us fix it. He called back and told us a time and price. I wrote the check. Less than two hours later, a friend of Adam's from work showed up with a card for us, inside was cash. The exact amount that I just had wrote the check for. Adam counted it three times and I did twice. They had no idea about our sewage problem.
I'm positive that not every mother who loses feels this way and I'm sure you guys are thinking that if your child died, you would not want to think of one single thing that seemed meant to be. Maybe it is a choice I have made, maybe it's a coping mechanism, or maybe it my faith. I can't be sure about what it is exactly, I just know that God and Brody let me know at least once a day that he is okay and I will be as well.
One afternoon, about 3 weeks after Brody died, I was sitting in my bedroom reading "Heaven is for real". Adam had ran to the store and I was feeling lost. I was reading the part where the mother was praying with her son. I totally lost it. I would never pray with Brody, the thought tore at my heart. I heard a knock at the door, I wasn't expecting anyone so I was curious to who it might be. It was our exterminator. Last time he was there, we were just leaving to go to the doctors to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. He said "Congratulations, God will bless you in so many ways". I opened the door and his eyes went immediately to lack of pregnant belly. I felt like he had seen me naked. I wanted to cover it up and pretend it wasn't almost flat. Instead for the first time out loud I said "We lost the baby". Those words felt like they weighed a ton. He asked if he could come in. I said yes, he hugged me. By now, you would think I would be thinking "why is my exterminator hugging me?"...I wasn't! He took my hand and told me that my baby was an angel in heaven and Jesus loves children. I shook my head and tears rolled down my face. We sat at the dinner table and talked about God and Brody and before he left, he said "You will pray with your children one day". When he left, I was in total shock. Adam came home and I felt like I was telling him I had just seen a unicorn in the back yard. We both just stared at each other and cried. Looking back, I have said "Doesn't God have a silly sense of humor to send an angel in the form of an exterminator", especially since I woke up that morning to a huge spider in the sink and told Adam "we need to call that bug guy". Are you getting goosebumps yet?
I have always been a thinker and worrier. I'm fairly certain that the average person would drive themselves crazy with all the thoughts in my mind. I have become accustomed to them and have learned to embrace them. When the Doctor came in and said "I don't have good news", My response was "I didn't figure". Here is what I was saying in my head " Oh, yep, that's why I could never imagine him at home, that's why I wrote in my GREEN journal every night about how scared I was, this is why Cloie has been following me around, that is why I felt such a connection with Mary Sue while I was pregnant, this is probably why I could never actually pick up the diapers,baby lotion, and wipes at the store that I had coupons for". Along with being a thinker and worrier, I'm also a planner. I had bought 4 outfits for Brody....4. I never felt right about buying clothes for him.
Believe me, these things "falling together" doesn't make my heart ache less and they certainly don't bring him back. The other night I said to Adam, while laying in bed " I just want to turn down the covers and tell you to watch him kick". Those were THE best moments of my life and I miss them every day. I find comfort in the fact that Brody is with Jesus and like the "bug guy" said "Jesus loves children".
Our journey, in my opinion, has been very eye opening in many ways. Heartbreaking? of course but in many ways, when everything seemed like it was falling apart...we started to see that things were just falling together as well.
Everything about Brody's death seemed...dare I say it....meant to be.
A girlfriend asked me the other day, while I was showing her my bracelet with my birthstone, Adam's birthstone, and Brody's green birthstone "Did you know his birthstone was going to be green?". "Of course not", I said, "I thought it would be pink, like mine". His due date was in October, I had no idea he would be showing up in angel form in August.
At the hospital, Adam's Dad mentioned he had bought a plot next to Mary Sue (Adam's Mom) years ago but had never actually wanted to be buried. He wasn't sure why he bought it but we all knew right then and there, it was where Brody was meant to be buried, right next to his Grandmother.
The day we came home from the hospital, our sewage was backed up. Oddly enough, my first thought was "Oh well, it could be worse". I never said "What else?", how could I. I had lost all my dreams of becoming a mother, in that moment, there wasn't anything worse. I called my father in law to get someone out there to help us fix it. He called back and told us a time and price. I wrote the check. Less than two hours later, a friend of Adam's from work showed up with a card for us, inside was cash. The exact amount that I just had wrote the check for. Adam counted it three times and I did twice. They had no idea about our sewage problem.
I'm positive that not every mother who loses feels this way and I'm sure you guys are thinking that if your child died, you would not want to think of one single thing that seemed meant to be. Maybe it is a choice I have made, maybe it's a coping mechanism, or maybe it my faith. I can't be sure about what it is exactly, I just know that God and Brody let me know at least once a day that he is okay and I will be as well.
One afternoon, about 3 weeks after Brody died, I was sitting in my bedroom reading "Heaven is for real". Adam had ran to the store and I was feeling lost. I was reading the part where the mother was praying with her son. I totally lost it. I would never pray with Brody, the thought tore at my heart. I heard a knock at the door, I wasn't expecting anyone so I was curious to who it might be. It was our exterminator. Last time he was there, we were just leaving to go to the doctors to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. He said "Congratulations, God will bless you in so many ways". I opened the door and his eyes went immediately to lack of pregnant belly. I felt like he had seen me naked. I wanted to cover it up and pretend it wasn't almost flat. Instead for the first time out loud I said "We lost the baby". Those words felt like they weighed a ton. He asked if he could come in. I said yes, he hugged me. By now, you would think I would be thinking "why is my exterminator hugging me?"...I wasn't! He took my hand and told me that my baby was an angel in heaven and Jesus loves children. I shook my head and tears rolled down my face. We sat at the dinner table and talked about God and Brody and before he left, he said "You will pray with your children one day". When he left, I was in total shock. Adam came home and I felt like I was telling him I had just seen a unicorn in the back yard. We both just stared at each other and cried. Looking back, I have said "Doesn't God have a silly sense of humor to send an angel in the form of an exterminator", especially since I woke up that morning to a huge spider in the sink and told Adam "we need to call that bug guy". Are you getting goosebumps yet?
I have always been a thinker and worrier. I'm fairly certain that the average person would drive themselves crazy with all the thoughts in my mind. I have become accustomed to them and have learned to embrace them. When the Doctor came in and said "I don't have good news", My response was "I didn't figure". Here is what I was saying in my head " Oh, yep, that's why I could never imagine him at home, that's why I wrote in my GREEN journal every night about how scared I was, this is why Cloie has been following me around, that is why I felt such a connection with Mary Sue while I was pregnant, this is probably why I could never actually pick up the diapers,baby lotion, and wipes at the store that I had coupons for". Along with being a thinker and worrier, I'm also a planner. I had bought 4 outfits for Brody....4. I never felt right about buying clothes for him.
Believe me, these things "falling together" doesn't make my heart ache less and they certainly don't bring him back. The other night I said to Adam, while laying in bed " I just want to turn down the covers and tell you to watch him kick". Those were THE best moments of my life and I miss them every day. I find comfort in the fact that Brody is with Jesus and like the "bug guy" said "Jesus loves children".
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I just can't find the words
It's not a bad day, but its not a great day either. I miss Brody A LOT today. It's one of those days that I cannot find the words for so I don't have a great post that I have brainstormed over for days....But I do have this:
http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/
I found this last night on Faces of Loss Facebook page. I could not of said it better myself and I wanted to share with everyone. Hopefully I can get a nice, long post in tomorrow for my sake and for you guys to read.
http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/
I found this last night on Faces of Loss Facebook page. I could not of said it better myself and I wanted to share with everyone. Hopefully I can get a nice, long post in tomorrow for my sake and for you guys to read.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Those Days
Hi Everyone. There are a few things on my mind today. One, judging by the stats, I can see there are some new readers, actually, there looks to be a lot, unless one of you is looking at the blog 213 times a day, which is totally fine by me. :) Soooo, Welcome, I'm always happy to see new readers, members, and messages about my sweet boy.
Secondly, Can you believe the new look the blog has? I wish I could take credit, but I owe it all to Jesica Montgomery. She came across B Bands on Facebook and helped me network the page, get 200 new fans, and re-designed the blog for me. What an amazing woman huh?
When I first took a look at the new design, I got that strange feeling I get sometimes, the one where I get so sad looking at and reading this story of sadness, death, faith, strength, and trying to find happiness again...and then I realize it's my story, it is the story of my son. A rush of emotions just floods my existence. It just seems so unreal that this could happen to someone and yet the reality strikes you across the back of the head as to say "Wake up, YOU are living this".
The other day I was just crocheting away, completely focused on the work in my hands. Brody's picture came up on the digital picture frame. I'm getting to the point where I smile and say "Hi honey, Hi B, or hi my sweet lil man", but that day was different. The beginning stages of grief snuck up on me, punched me in the chest and squeezed my heart till there was nothing but tears. All my strength crumbled to the floor and I swear I could see it laying there in pieces right along side my heart.
I hate days like that, they make me feel like I've taken three steps back when I've been doing nothing but running forward for days, or even weeks. Those days make you feel like everything you have been working so hard for... just. means. nothing. because your son is still dead. It makes you kinda laugh at yourself for thinking you were just simply the best at grieving. What in the world were you thinking when you thought things were looking up and you were getting stronger? It's like some cruel joke someone played on you and under their breath they laugh and ask "ha, now Tia, did you think I was gonna give your son back to you?"
On those days you are the mole. Your that cute little mole in the carnival game that pokes its head up only to get beaten back into it's hole. It's like when you feel like you have built up enough energy to poke your head back into the real world full of laughter (real laughter) and sunshine, grief beats you back into your hole of sadness and makes you remember why you were there in the first place.
I remember reading other blogs in the beginning and reading about how good days come more often but when bad days come, they just break you. I know everyone is different but I know what that is like now. At the beginning, pain is all there is. Hope and joy seem like things of the past. You become immune to the fact that you are feeling nothing but pain and grief. As I'm moving towards six months now, Hope, joy, and happiness are visual. I can even reach out and touch them sometimes, so when the pain comes rushing in, it hurts in a different way because it becomes a balancing act of pain and hope, hurt and happy, joy and grief.
On those days Heaven just seems too far away :(
Secondly, Can you believe the new look the blog has? I wish I could take credit, but I owe it all to Jesica Montgomery. She came across B Bands on Facebook and helped me network the page, get 200 new fans, and re-designed the blog for me. What an amazing woman huh?
When I first took a look at the new design, I got that strange feeling I get sometimes, the one where I get so sad looking at and reading this story of sadness, death, faith, strength, and trying to find happiness again...and then I realize it's my story, it is the story of my son. A rush of emotions just floods my existence. It just seems so unreal that this could happen to someone and yet the reality strikes you across the back of the head as to say "Wake up, YOU are living this".
The other day I was just crocheting away, completely focused on the work in my hands. Brody's picture came up on the digital picture frame. I'm getting to the point where I smile and say "Hi honey, Hi B, or hi my sweet lil man", but that day was different. The beginning stages of grief snuck up on me, punched me in the chest and squeezed my heart till there was nothing but tears. All my strength crumbled to the floor and I swear I could see it laying there in pieces right along side my heart.
I hate days like that, they make me feel like I've taken three steps back when I've been doing nothing but running forward for days, or even weeks. Those days make you feel like everything you have been working so hard for... just. means. nothing. because your son is still dead. It makes you kinda laugh at yourself for thinking you were just simply the best at grieving. What in the world were you thinking when you thought things were looking up and you were getting stronger? It's like some cruel joke someone played on you and under their breath they laugh and ask "ha, now Tia, did you think I was gonna give your son back to you?"
On those days you are the mole. Your that cute little mole in the carnival game that pokes its head up only to get beaten back into it's hole. It's like when you feel like you have built up enough energy to poke your head back into the real world full of laughter (real laughter) and sunshine, grief beats you back into your hole of sadness and makes you remember why you were there in the first place.
I remember reading other blogs in the beginning and reading about how good days come more often but when bad days come, they just break you. I know everyone is different but I know what that is like now. At the beginning, pain is all there is. Hope and joy seem like things of the past. You become immune to the fact that you are feeling nothing but pain and grief. As I'm moving towards six months now, Hope, joy, and happiness are visual. I can even reach out and touch them sometimes, so when the pain comes rushing in, it hurts in a different way because it becomes a balancing act of pain and hope, hurt and happy, joy and grief.
On those days Heaven just seems too far away :(
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A rock and a hard place
I have so much to talk about today, I hope I can get it all in one post without sounding like a rambling idiot.
Everything is going super great with B Bands, I have lots of orders coming in and I'm enjoying every second of making headbands and hats. I've made it my personal goal to learn something new every day, if it be a new stitch or an entire project. I want everyone to know that there is so much emotion that goes into my work. Every project is because of and for Brody. Even though i doubt he would have been wearing a nice little headband with a cute crochet flower, I feel like he had something to do with this new venture.
It's strange what losing a child does to you, I guess I can't speak for every baby loss mommy, but for myself, I feel as if he really made me the best version of myself. Imagine feeling a bit out of place all your life and then suddenly feeling like you are right where you belong in a community that you would never think of joining willingly. I would have never had the courage to spill out all of my emotions and feelings on a blog or sell something that I had handmade. The thought that someone was out there judging me, my every word, and all of my mistakes would have kept me awake all night. It is kinda like being between a rock and a hard place, ya know? Ahhhh, I'd give anything to have Brody back, there isn't an ounce of me that doesn't yearn for him on a daily basis, however, I have become someone I know he is proud of, someone evidently God has intended for me to be all along.
I returned an e-mail from a friend the other night, she wanted to talk about my last post: Blessed with Brody. I referred to something I had heard or read somewhere about God's plan being like a tapestry.
God sees the front, it's so beautiful, it all fits together, all the colors match and meet up like a wonderful piece of art....it's perfect. We see the back, it's messy, the colors run together and don't match, there are knots, and sometimes it is downright ugly. The world we see is full of hate at moments, it has death, disease, abuse, neglect, and it's a place where precious little babies die. The world he sees is beautiful with no imperfections and all the ugliness has a purpose. I know there was no other way for Brody and I trust God knows exactly what he was doing.
On another note, I have been on a wild goose hunt since Brody died trying to find if there was something wrong with me, something my body failed to do for him, if not for peace of mind, for prevention of a second loss. Dear Lord, the thought of burying another baby sent pain to my very core of being. A part of me ( that deep down part that knew Brody wasn't coming home) told me that if I didn't find out that I would very well be burying another baby. I even tried to prepare myself for this horrible event...again. After months, many hours, and many days glued to my computer doing research and probably what doctors call "annoying patient syndrome" of demanding more blood work please, I finally have the answer that I was and wasn't looking for.
I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V. Basically it is a genetic disorder that increases my chances of developing blood clots. I'm not gonna go into a great deal of detail about it mostly because it's not a very interesting subject and I cannot find a clever and creative way to discuss blood clotting. Also, if you are interested in knowing more, you can following the link above or do some research on your own if you choose to. It is likely that I developed a blood clot in the umbilical cord or in my placenta, which led to Brody's death.
It's hard to explain the feeling of finding a (medical) reason for your baby's death. When the nurse called, I heard absolutely nothing she said except "you tested positive for factor v", after that, I began shaking all over and my eyes filled up with tears. I started a game of tug of war with myself, only I was pulling in about six different directions. I felt like a weight of a million pounds was lifted from my back, I felt proud of myself for being persistent and I felt like telling Brody thank you for giving me that feeling of "It's okay to be an annoying patient, you have to be". I went through a moment of Oh God, I have a reason...thank you so much and Oh God, I have a reason, Oh God, I have a reason! It was a bittersweet moment. I thought about my next pregnancy and the precautions that I will be able to take so I don't have to live this nightmare a second time, I felt relief.
After I got off the phone, I placed my head against the wall in my bathroom and screamed on the inside and a little on the outside too. But, then I could feel the fear of pregnancy start to lessen. I feel like the memory of pregnancy also has a pinch to it, the beautiful and comfortable feeling of having a baby in your belly also was painful. I can feel it start to get better though, I know I'm heading in the right direction because the pinch I feel when I think about pregnancy...used to be a punch.
ps. I had so many pictures I wanted to put up but for some reason they were all coming out red...sorry. :(
Everything is going super great with B Bands, I have lots of orders coming in and I'm enjoying every second of making headbands and hats. I've made it my personal goal to learn something new every day, if it be a new stitch or an entire project. I want everyone to know that there is so much emotion that goes into my work. Every project is because of and for Brody. Even though i doubt he would have been wearing a nice little headband with a cute crochet flower, I feel like he had something to do with this new venture.
It's strange what losing a child does to you, I guess I can't speak for every baby loss mommy, but for myself, I feel as if he really made me the best version of myself. Imagine feeling a bit out of place all your life and then suddenly feeling like you are right where you belong in a community that you would never think of joining willingly. I would have never had the courage to spill out all of my emotions and feelings on a blog or sell something that I had handmade. The thought that someone was out there judging me, my every word, and all of my mistakes would have kept me awake all night. It is kinda like being between a rock and a hard place, ya know? Ahhhh, I'd give anything to have Brody back, there isn't an ounce of me that doesn't yearn for him on a daily basis, however, I have become someone I know he is proud of, someone evidently God has intended for me to be all along.
I returned an e-mail from a friend the other night, she wanted to talk about my last post: Blessed with Brody. I referred to something I had heard or read somewhere about God's plan being like a tapestry.
God sees the front, it's so beautiful, it all fits together, all the colors match and meet up like a wonderful piece of art....it's perfect. We see the back, it's messy, the colors run together and don't match, there are knots, and sometimes it is downright ugly. The world we see is full of hate at moments, it has death, disease, abuse, neglect, and it's a place where precious little babies die. The world he sees is beautiful with no imperfections and all the ugliness has a purpose. I know there was no other way for Brody and I trust God knows exactly what he was doing.
On another note, I have been on a wild goose hunt since Brody died trying to find if there was something wrong with me, something my body failed to do for him, if not for peace of mind, for prevention of a second loss. Dear Lord, the thought of burying another baby sent pain to my very core of being. A part of me ( that deep down part that knew Brody wasn't coming home) told me that if I didn't find out that I would very well be burying another baby. I even tried to prepare myself for this horrible event...again. After months, many hours, and many days glued to my computer doing research and probably what doctors call "annoying patient syndrome" of demanding more blood work please, I finally have the answer that I was and wasn't looking for.
I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V. Basically it is a genetic disorder that increases my chances of developing blood clots. I'm not gonna go into a great deal of detail about it mostly because it's not a very interesting subject and I cannot find a clever and creative way to discuss blood clotting. Also, if you are interested in knowing more, you can following the link above or do some research on your own if you choose to. It is likely that I developed a blood clot in the umbilical cord or in my placenta, which led to Brody's death.
It's hard to explain the feeling of finding a (medical) reason for your baby's death. When the nurse called, I heard absolutely nothing she said except "you tested positive for factor v", after that, I began shaking all over and my eyes filled up with tears. I started a game of tug of war with myself, only I was pulling in about six different directions. I felt like a weight of a million pounds was lifted from my back, I felt proud of myself for being persistent and I felt like telling Brody thank you for giving me that feeling of "It's okay to be an annoying patient, you have to be". I went through a moment of Oh God, I have a reason...thank you so much and Oh God, I have a reason, Oh God, I have a reason! It was a bittersweet moment. I thought about my next pregnancy and the precautions that I will be able to take so I don't have to live this nightmare a second time, I felt relief.
After I got off the phone, I placed my head against the wall in my bathroom and screamed on the inside and a little on the outside too. But, then I could feel the fear of pregnancy start to lessen. I feel like the memory of pregnancy also has a pinch to it, the beautiful and comfortable feeling of having a baby in your belly also was painful. I can feel it start to get better though, I know I'm heading in the right direction because the pinch I feel when I think about pregnancy...used to be a punch.
ps. I had so many pictures I wanted to put up but for some reason they were all coming out red...sorry. :(
Monday, January 23, 2012
Blessed with Brody
Saturday was five months since Brody died...five months! I just realized that yesterday. I try not to focus on the 21st of every month and dwell on how long it's been, it doesn't change anything or make the experience better or worse, it just is.
Actually, I had a pretty good day Saturday and I really started to notice that my good days are happening more often that bad days. I'm starting to feel like a normal functioning human being again instead of just a grieving mother. I'm still a grieving mother, but I'm other things too and I'm starting to get that now.
I wondered on Saturday, what was this big change from? Was it because I'm staying so busy with B Bands or was it just the time that has passed. You know, I hate to hear that time heals all wounds but now I'm wondering, does it at least soothe the sting, does it dull the ache? Maybe there is hope, maybe upon approaching the "almost half a year" mark, the clouds will start to shift and I will see some sunshine.
It's no secret here about how much research I did after Brody died and I still continue to do everyday. I wanted to know I wasn't alone but quickly realized that I was not only not alone, but in great and large amounts of unwanted company. When I stumbled onto Dear Stevie and got to reading the posts, I came across one called " Made for this". For me, I find it difficult to put these feelings into words, but she does it Oh so well and it is exactly what I'm feeling at this point in my grief.
If I said " I wouldn't have it any other way", I would be lying. I would have it another way, I would have Brody here, but to say "I couldn't imagine it any other way"...that's the truth. I could never picture Brody home with us and I still cant. I know he is where he was always supposed to be. I bet all you mothers reading this are cringing with confusion on how I could possibly say that, but try to imagine burying your children, try imagine being without them everyday...forever, I bet that not only can you not imagine in but the thought literally scares you to death. Those thoughts are my reality, they are not something I have to try to imagine because I did it, I can close my eyes and remember everything about the Day we buried Brody. As sad as it is, its very true as well, I can't imagine a healthy bouncing boy named Brody crawling around on my floors and cuddled up next to me, I want to, believe me but my images are more of holding a lifeless body of the cutest darn baby I've ever seen ( I'm a bit partial).
Usually if someone wants to see Brody's picture, the first things I notice about them are the tears in their eyes and the sadness written all over their face. I used to do that too but now I'm noticing when I look at his picture...I smile. I don't smile because he is dead, I smile because he lived. I was blessed with almost eight months of an angel whose only home was inside of my womb. I'm starting to get it now, really open my eyes to miracles and God's blessing which are often getting disguised as sadness and tragedy... I was blessed with Brody.
Actually, I had a pretty good day Saturday and I really started to notice that my good days are happening more often that bad days. I'm starting to feel like a normal functioning human being again instead of just a grieving mother. I'm still a grieving mother, but I'm other things too and I'm starting to get that now.
I wondered on Saturday, what was this big change from? Was it because I'm staying so busy with B Bands or was it just the time that has passed. You know, I hate to hear that time heals all wounds but now I'm wondering, does it at least soothe the sting, does it dull the ache? Maybe there is hope, maybe upon approaching the "almost half a year" mark, the clouds will start to shift and I will see some sunshine.
It's no secret here about how much research I did after Brody died and I still continue to do everyday. I wanted to know I wasn't alone but quickly realized that I was not only not alone, but in great and large amounts of unwanted company. When I stumbled onto Dear Stevie and got to reading the posts, I came across one called " Made for this". For me, I find it difficult to put these feelings into words, but she does it Oh so well and it is exactly what I'm feeling at this point in my grief.
If I said " I wouldn't have it any other way", I would be lying. I would have it another way, I would have Brody here, but to say "I couldn't imagine it any other way"...that's the truth. I could never picture Brody home with us and I still cant. I know he is where he was always supposed to be. I bet all you mothers reading this are cringing with confusion on how I could possibly say that, but try to imagine burying your children, try imagine being without them everyday...forever, I bet that not only can you not imagine in but the thought literally scares you to death. Those thoughts are my reality, they are not something I have to try to imagine because I did it, I can close my eyes and remember everything about the Day we buried Brody. As sad as it is, its very true as well, I can't imagine a healthy bouncing boy named Brody crawling around on my floors and cuddled up next to me, I want to, believe me but my images are more of holding a lifeless body of the cutest darn baby I've ever seen ( I'm a bit partial).
Usually if someone wants to see Brody's picture, the first things I notice about them are the tears in their eyes and the sadness written all over their face. I used to do that too but now I'm noticing when I look at his picture...I smile. I don't smile because he is dead, I smile because he lived. I was blessed with almost eight months of an angel whose only home was inside of my womb. I'm starting to get it now, really open my eyes to miracles and God's blessing which are often getting disguised as sadness and tragedy... I was blessed with Brody.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Busy with B Bands
It's been too long, I know, I know. I've actually been busy with something new and exciting in my life. I was reluctant on making changes and moving forward because a part of me thought making changes would take Brody's memories away from me, that somehow if I got myself busy enough to think about something else for just a few minutes, that the closeness that I feel with him during the crying sessions and during the deepest grief, would go away, and I would miss it....I was wrong, like I am in all other aspects of grief that I thought I knew before.
As I stated in the previous post, Dear Brody, I have always had a passion for writing, crafting, and creating. It slipped out of hands at some point, I guess because my hands were so full of other things. Big changes and obstacles in my life that left my mind too busy for creativity.
In the weeks following Brody's death, I became obsessed with researching similar stories and experiences. I started to become very aware that I was not alone. While I haven't found one exactly like mine, there were so many that pulled at my heart strings in different ways. One thing that I found was that these women turned to writing after their loss. Either they had already been bloggers before their experience or the experience turned them into blogger (which is true in my case). During my research, I came across two stories that really struck a cord with me, it was something about these women and their precious babies that made me feel close to them in a way that was heart breaking and comforting. The one blog is Dear Stevie and the other is Team Ewan. Check them out.
After stumbling upon Faces of Loss, which was started by the same girl who writes Dear Stevie, I discovered that a lot of women were turning to their own creativity to help cope as well, once again, I wasn't alone!
A few weeks ago, I was in my basement looking for something( I can't recall now what that something was) but I found an old bag full of yarn and half finished projects. I stared at it for a second, and thought "nah, I don't even remember how to crochet, I'm just gonna leave it there". I went down the next day and brought the bag upstairs, I then stared at it some more. I opened it up and giggled at my previous attempts at scarf making and then I thought " I should really give this a shot".
One evening, I was feeling very alone and frustrated, so I shut myself in what would have been Brody's room and picked up some yarn and a hook. I just started crocheting and it felt...good. I had something to really focus on, something that took thought and ability. I felt good about the result, I felt proud of myself. Did I forget my baby was dead? Of course not, but I did have feeling that I haven't felt in quite some time. Good feelings about myself and the ability to make changes and remembering my creativity that seemed to disappear. It felt good to get caught up in something and I wasn't afraid of forgetting about Brody at all, actually the opposite happened. I knew not only would he be okay with me making changes and doing things to keep busy, but he too would be proud that I wasn't spending all my time crying and hurting.
As I stated in the previous post, Dear Brody, I have always had a passion for writing, crafting, and creating. It slipped out of hands at some point, I guess because my hands were so full of other things. Big changes and obstacles in my life that left my mind too busy for creativity.
In the weeks following Brody's death, I became obsessed with researching similar stories and experiences. I started to become very aware that I was not alone. While I haven't found one exactly like mine, there were so many that pulled at my heart strings in different ways. One thing that I found was that these women turned to writing after their loss. Either they had already been bloggers before their experience or the experience turned them into blogger (which is true in my case). During my research, I came across two stories that really struck a cord with me, it was something about these women and their precious babies that made me feel close to them in a way that was heart breaking and comforting. The one blog is Dear Stevie and the other is Team Ewan. Check them out.
After stumbling upon Faces of Loss, which was started by the same girl who writes Dear Stevie, I discovered that a lot of women were turning to their own creativity to help cope as well, once again, I wasn't alone!
A few weeks ago, I was in my basement looking for something( I can't recall now what that something was) but I found an old bag full of yarn and half finished projects. I stared at it for a second, and thought "nah, I don't even remember how to crochet, I'm just gonna leave it there". I went down the next day and brought the bag upstairs, I then stared at it some more. I opened it up and giggled at my previous attempts at scarf making and then I thought " I should really give this a shot".
One evening, I was feeling very alone and frustrated, so I shut myself in what would have been Brody's room and picked up some yarn and a hook. I just started crocheting and it felt...good. I had something to really focus on, something that took thought and ability. I felt good about the result, I felt proud of myself. Did I forget my baby was dead? Of course not, but I did have feeling that I haven't felt in quite some time. Good feelings about myself and the ability to make changes and remembering my creativity that seemed to disappear. It felt good to get caught up in something and I wasn't afraid of forgetting about Brody at all, actually the opposite happened. I knew not only would he be okay with me making changes and doing things to keep busy, but he too would be proud that I wasn't spending all my time crying and hurting.
After making one headband, I realized how fun it really was and made several more. When I left the room that evening, I left feeling like I had just had a really good cry, only I hadn't. I felt as if I had put all those feelings pain and grief into something new and positive, instead of sitting around crying and listening to babyloss songs (yes, they exist).
I put them up for sale on an Etsy site (B Bands by TiaLuke on Etsy) and made a Facebook page as well: B Bands . I started making scarfs and hats too. I made a little hat and I thought about Brody the whole time, how cute he would look in it, the fact that he would never wear it, and if maybe he had guided me in this direction to begin with. I thought about the little hat they put on him at the hospital and the little gown that was handmade.
Perhaps I will make some hats and donate them to the local hospital for little babies born sleeping like Brody, I know all to well that those things can be the most cherished by a mother with empty arms. Those are the only clothes Brody ever wore and now they sit in a memory box in my hutch, the only clothes his small little body ever touched.
I'm not all better, I'm not perfect, I'm not grief free...I've come to the conclusion that those things will not happen. I am moving in a direction that feels right and that I know Brody would be proud of, and to me, that is everything!
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