Week 30

oooops.

I'm slacking big time. I guess I got carried away with working on the nursery and washing and putting away all of Isaac's clothes.

Week 30 was a rough one for the obvious reason. I had trouble sleeping, thinking, or even functioning at times.

My mind and my heart were being pulled in so many different directions. I wanted so badly to focus on Brody and the fact that he was gone at 30 weeks but yet the precious life of Isaac was literally poking at me. Once again, I found myself balancing my love for both of my boys. A balancing act that I don't know if I will ever perfect. It gets easier and harder at the same time and I have a feeling that it will change drastically once Isaac arrives.

I did have an appointment at 30 weeks and two days and did I ever need it. I've become increasingly  intrigued by the relationship that I have with the doctor that delivered Brody. It has become so dynamic in the way that allows me to look at him and reminisce about that day and also hear him talk about how he wants to do everything possible to make this delivery opposite. He gives me hope in many many ways. I find myself praying he delivers Isaac too... and then I pray that he doesn't.

My ultrasound was nothing short of amazing. Everything about Isaac is perfection. His heart rate and lung functioning is that of a much older baby, his measurements are right on target, and his fetal movements are well....um....a lot! They told me he was approximately 3 pounds and 7 ounces. Perfect and right where he should be.

Then, the tech surprised me with a 3D ultrasound. I instantly shed tears.

I didn't admit it to Adam but he looks exactly like his Daddy and a little like his brother.

The doctor said when we start the NSTs (non stress tests), he foresees a rather boring process. Which is what we want BUT if there is any fluctuation or anything abnormal going on with Isaac's heart rate, it is straight to labor and delivery for this mama.

He also told me to start counting my fetal movements. I should be able to count 10 in two hours at any given time. I laughed. In my head, I was thinking "I can get 10 in 10 minutes at any given time". A thought that struck me pretty hard on the drive home and at dinner.

Adam and I sat down to eat and there I was crying in public. "happy and sad?", he asked. "Yes".

I knew that if I had counted Brody's movements I wouldn't of had anything close to 10 movements in 2 hours. "How was I supposed to know?" I didn't know, and his weight popped into my head. He weighed a lot less that Isaac and I reminded myself that all babies are different but I secretly started blaming myself for not knowing.

I had come to a peaceful  belief that it was just meant to be but Isaac's normalcy had me convinced that something had been wrong with Brody. I will never know. No one will.

Eeek, sorry for the horrid picture. I can only do so much and my nerves and emotions left me too exhausted to look pretty for pictures. Next week is better, I promise. haha