week 31

I made it through week 30. It was the longest week thus far for sure. So many emotions. I must have told Adam that I was sorry approximately 34356 times. "Moody" is quite the understatement.

But, things turned around a bit in week 31. I'm gonna say it...I even had a sense of relief. I actually do feel like Isaac will be coming home with us.

I began to feel a lot less like a foolish idiot when purchasing baby items for him. Excitement set in ten fold and I didn't have to stop and think about if I was going to be sending this stuff away to lost baby land, hopefully never to be seen again.

Adam and I. Well, Adam put together all of the baby furniture and I started washing all of Isaac's clothes and putting them away. I had dreamed of folding baby clothes across an ever growing belly for a long time and actually doing it put my love and excitement for this little boy right over the edge.

In years past, In pre Brody times, I would have been listening to Christmas music at the beginning of November but last year became a dreaded mess. I couldn't find my Christmas spirit, I didn't believe in Santa, every song reminded me of of family minus one, I didn't send Christmas cards because I wanted to put Brody's name on them even if it made people uncomfortable and I just wanted it all to be over with.

So this year, I decided to tread lightly. I didn't want to jump in full force and only be let down again by my lack of Christmas spirit. I waited until the day after Thanksgiving and I decided to slowly and with no sudden movement to press the 3WS button on my car radio. "The Christmas Station".

It felt right! It felt normal....no...it felt good. It was there, my Christmas spirit was there! Is it the raging pregnancy hormones that blinded me of last Christmas and how miserable I was or is it here to stay? I guess we will find out but I'm totally convinced that the way Isaac moves to the joyous sound of Christmas music that he wants to be a Christmas baby! :)

Week 30

oooops.

I'm slacking big time. I guess I got carried away with working on the nursery and washing and putting away all of Isaac's clothes.

Week 30 was a rough one for the obvious reason. I had trouble sleeping, thinking, or even functioning at times.

My mind and my heart were being pulled in so many different directions. I wanted so badly to focus on Brody and the fact that he was gone at 30 weeks but yet the precious life of Isaac was literally poking at me. Once again, I found myself balancing my love for both of my boys. A balancing act that I don't know if I will ever perfect. It gets easier and harder at the same time and I have a feeling that it will change drastically once Isaac arrives.

I did have an appointment at 30 weeks and two days and did I ever need it. I've become increasingly  intrigued by the relationship that I have with the doctor that delivered Brody. It has become so dynamic in the way that allows me to look at him and reminisce about that day and also hear him talk about how he wants to do everything possible to make this delivery opposite. He gives me hope in many many ways. I find myself praying he delivers Isaac too... and then I pray that he doesn't.

My ultrasound was nothing short of amazing. Everything about Isaac is perfection. His heart rate and lung functioning is that of a much older baby, his measurements are right on target, and his fetal movements are well....um....a lot! They told me he was approximately 3 pounds and 7 ounces. Perfect and right where he should be.

Then, the tech surprised me with a 3D ultrasound. I instantly shed tears.

I didn't admit it to Adam but he looks exactly like his Daddy and a little like his brother.

The doctor said when we start the NSTs (non stress tests), he foresees a rather boring process. Which is what we want BUT if there is any fluctuation or anything abnormal going on with Isaac's heart rate, it is straight to labor and delivery for this mama.

He also told me to start counting my fetal movements. I should be able to count 10 in two hours at any given time. I laughed. In my head, I was thinking "I can get 10 in 10 minutes at any given time". A thought that struck me pretty hard on the drive home and at dinner.

Adam and I sat down to eat and there I was crying in public. "happy and sad?", he asked. "Yes".

I knew that if I had counted Brody's movements I wouldn't of had anything close to 10 movements in 2 hours. "How was I supposed to know?" I didn't know, and his weight popped into my head. He weighed a lot less that Isaac and I reminded myself that all babies are different but I secretly started blaming myself for not knowing.

I had come to a peaceful  belief that it was just meant to be but Isaac's normalcy had me convinced that something had been wrong with Brody. I will never know. No one will.

Eeek, sorry for the horrid picture. I can only do so much and my nerves and emotions left me too exhausted to look pretty for pictures. Next week is better, I promise. haha

week 29

Week 29 came and went. These few weeks have been trying. Week 29 was the last week that I got to take a belly picture with Brody.

All week I was pretty emotional and as I sit in week 30, I can still feel the lump in my throat.

I know that it would be pretty rare for the same thing to happen at the very same time but that didn't make the week any easier.

Ironically, as emotional as I was, physically,  I was feeling pretty good. I had started to get pretty uncomfortable the week before but I think my body has adjusted and is ready for the new set of un comforts to ride out the last few months. Which I am okay with.

It seems that my size and shape became so very popular in week 29. I still think these opinions are hilarious even as annoying as they can be at times. I've heard everything from "awe, you are just all belly" to " You are going to be huge". Ah, there is just nothing more self assuring and relaxing when you are an emotional and hormonal mess and THAT is added into the equation.

I can't ever read into why men say these things to pregnant women except for the fact that they are blissfully unaware of what pregnancy will ever really be like but women, now that I just cannot grasp. Is it that they forget what being pregnant was like or they just want to politely pass on the judgment that they received when they were. I guess we will never know.

It really doesn't stop there though. When I tell people that I plan to cloth diaper and breastfeed, I swear I was telling them that I had just seen Bigfoot and had brunch with him or something. "It never worked for so and so", they say or "Well, we will see, you will probably change your mind".

The more negative comments I get, the more it makes me want to do it and succeed overwhelmingly.

Anywho, enough with the ranting and venting and lets get to the belly picture that I actually remembered this week.

Obviously, I was having some abnormal cravings for milk. The one night I had to actually talk myself out of drinking the entire gallon in one sitting.

Stay tuned for next week where I will be talking about an awesome ultrasound and WEEK 30 appointment. :)

week 28 update and shower pictures

The morning of the shower. Ah, where do I start? I woke up and instantly a sadness came over me. It should have been excitement, it should have been happiness but the thought hit me like a ton of bricks... I never got to have Brody's baby shower.

I started to pray. Dear God, please get me through this day. Call me crazy, call me whatever you like but I could hear Brody. I could hear him telling me "Mommy, I didn't need a shower, I have everything I need in Heaven". I get it, it sounds like I should be in the loony bin making comments like this but I heard it, I know I did and I'm not ashamed about it either.

I continued pray and I asked Brody for a sign. I told him..."it doesn't have to be frogs". I knew I was going to get frog gifts so there would be no surprise there.

My sadness was gone and it quickly turned to anxiety...more anxiety.

I had been anxious all week. I had so many things running through my mind and I couldn't organize my thoughts, that would probably be the reason I totally forgot to take a 28 week belly picture....oooops! Oh well, hopefully some shower pictures make up for it.

So this week's drawing sums it up pretty well. Bump.com said Isaac was about the size of an eggplant.

The shower turned out beautiful, I was feeling so blessed with all the family and friends who came out to celebrate Isaac with us.

I did end up getting my sign too, of course.

If you scroll up to the picture of the cookies and look at the cookie that is a onesie and turn your head upside down, you might see it...

My friend April, one of the people who made the day so special and amazing walked up to me and said " Hey, if you turn this onesie upside down, it really looks like a frog". I just laughed because I knew it had been my sign and Brody liked giving me frogs in places that I least expect them...