I'm awake!

"I'm awake, I'm awake", I told the sadness tonight as I lay there trying to sleep and it was poking at me with it's annoying finger. It wants me to be sad tonight. It wants me to relive the details, even ones that I never remembered before.

Arriving at the first hospital and "settled" into the labor and delivery suite, upon hearing that there had been no heartbeat but mine, I walked slowly into the bathroom without a single thought of the death that I was carrying inside of me. What once had been life was now gone.

The sadness of that brings me to tears tonight. I didn't actually realize I was crying until I was wiping the tears from my face. I was so far off into that day, so deeply embedded into those hours that the present didn't even exist.

I admitted to a friend just recently.Something that I told myself I would never share because of the shame in it. One of my first thoughts after the Doctor swore and said "there is no heartbeat". I thought, I just want to go home and have a glass of wine, if I can just relax, everything will be okay. I wasn't heartless, I wasn't so cruel...I was obliviously in shock. I was so unaware, ignorant to the fact that this kind of thing happened and that it had happened to me.

I remember my mother telling me "This will be the worst thing that ever happens to you". I remember feeling disbelief about her words. I hadn't even imagined in that moment that it would be exactly what she said it would be. The worst thing that ever happened to me.

I watched my husband cry and pace the floor, I watched my mother frantically make phone calls and ask for the chapel. I watched the nurse take my hand and hold it firmly within hers as tears filled her eyes but tried very hard not to sob. I'm pretty sure I even flew out of my own body and watched myself lay there totally oblivious to the horror that I was about to come face to face with.

Last night, I lay in bed and watched Isaac kick and squirm. It was the first time that I have seen it from the outside. Tears of joy filled my eyes and thanked God for him.

Tonight, I lay and think of Brody. His kicks and squirms are distant memories. Tears of sadness fill my eyes. And I thank God for him.