No cake for me

I'm a little behind on weekly updates...I know. I will hopefully have week 12 posted tomorrow. I'm currently in my 13th week as of today though.

There is so much on my mind today. I'm getting increasingly excited about possibly bringing home a baby, however I'm noticing some changes in myself that aren't particularly...um...me.

I feel like I'm just never satisfied. I just have to realize that I can't have my cake and eat it too, so to speak.

I've noticed a few family members and friends who aren't exactly excited for me. I mean, lets face it, I have lost some friends along the way, but some just seem down right strange when I talk about this baby. They avoid the subject completely or change it very quickly. I've come to a few conclusions in my mind. They are either A) just not excited or B) scared to death. My mom reminded me that I did almost die last time I was pregnant so I guess that could be the reason why they are so apprehensive about their excitement.

And then....There is this other side of me ( the side that wants to eat the cake too), who wonders why everyone else is so dang excited...I mean, don't they realize I almost died last time I was pregnant? They want to touch my belly and I kindly push their hands away. It's not because it creeps me out. I want to want them to be all weird and oooeeyy goooey while they rub my belly but there is part of me that has put up this protective wall, possibly, as if I'm saying "come on now, don't get too attached here...we all know what happened last time".

How do I want everyone to react when I don't even know how to react myself. I can't even look at an active driving ambulance without flashing back to me screaming in the back of one, losing blood as fast as I seemed to be losing my mind. I'm not "over it" and I never will be so how can I expect others to react "accordingly". I can't.

 I wanted to slap the lady beside me at the the blood lab today who ever so kindly and not so under her breath said " I'm glad all these pregnant women aren't contagious, I'm so glad I'm done having kids, I'm so sick of them". Didn't she realize what a blessing she had? I quickly turned to the faces of the other pregnant women in the room ,who didn't seem as offended as I was.

I suppose this is just another little reminder that it's never going to be all better. I'm well aware that if God willing, I get to give birth to a breathing baby, it is possible that the first time I look into his or her eyes, the first thought in my mind just might be that I never got to look into Brody's.