ooops 5 months

Wow, time really flies when you have a little one at home. He is almost 6 months and I haven't even posted his 5 month update yet. I apologize. I never know how long nap time will actually be so it is rush rush all of the time around here during nap time and blogging is sorta on the back burner. I will try harder.

Every day is an adventure and busy busy. We have a routine accomplished and started with what I predict is a favorite food: sweet potatoes. Ive never seen someone so excited about food. Well, besides myself. Obviously, he will be a foodie like his mommy. Adam always makes fun of me about my food obsession. When I'm eating breakfast, I'm thinking about what I will be having for lunch and dinner. Thank God for good metabolism.

I do fear that he takes after his Dad when it comes to never ever wanted to relax and sit still for a gosh darn minute. I think I may really have my hands full when he gets moving.

And every morning we wake up and say "yep, cuter than yesterday".

I will try to get another post in before the 6 month update but as for now...I am being summoned.

4 months and beautifully broken

He rolled over the day he turned four months old. He laughs and he knows who I am. A mommas boy to say the least. He looks at me when my my eyes wonder past his to his brother's picture on the tv stand and he smiles that toothless smile and crumples up his neck. Sometimes, I swear he knows that I'm beautifully broken.

As a baby loss mommy, I vowed from the very second the dust cleared from the wreckage that IF I was ever pregnant again and IF I ever actually had a baby in my arms that I would never ever complain.

It is a tug of war I play with myself everyday. It gets painful.

Isaac is a blessing. He pretty much sleeps all night and even though I was used to 10 plus hours before he arrived, I do pretty good on the 6 or 7 that he allows.

I would be lying if I said it was all easy and that I wake up like a stepford wife my hair always done, my makeup flawless, I get all the laundry put away and dinner on the table and that I carry a smile on my face at every single moment.

The truth is its painfully hard. I'm beautifully broken.

I'm nothing like I used to be. Brody changed me first. Everything became real. I would have danced in the rain. I mean, I found truth in everything. I found beauty in everything. If the sky would have fallen, I would have said it was meant to be.

Today, I'm new. I'm simple. I live for one thing only from day to day. Isaac. He makes me find joy in the most simplest of thoughts. When he cries, I truly feel pain.

But...sometimes it gets hard. I'm still a mom. A broken one, but still I am

I get frustrated and I tug, I've cried when he cried and I tug, I get to feel like I need to lock myself in the pantry like Charlotte in Sex in the City and I tug.

It's the guilt and I know it. Guilt or the Devil.

They both try to bring me down and feel guilty for feeling normal thoughts. I know their normal because Ive heard other moms talk about it.

What if I was broke to be fixed? A thought that has occurred more than once, believe me.

What if God thought I would have been a horrible mother to Brody? What If I would have lost my cool? What if I would have ended up like one of those crazy moms who just cannot take it anymore and runs off to Florida never to be seen again? So he broke me, he took the biggest chunk of me.

What if Isaac was my fix? What if he was meant to put me back together.

Its all in a form of a very large pill. And they are all hard to swallow.

3 months: The rise and fall

Three months into being parents of a baby here on earth.

 

Will I ever stop looking at him in disbelief? will I ever stop worrying so greatly? Will I ever stop watching for the rise and fall?

 

He sleeps sometimes for almost 8 straight hours. I'm sure that every other mommy would be more than satisfied, I'm sure that every other mommy would feel rested.

 

Not this mommy, this mommy wakes to watch the rise and fall.

 

I really breathe him in, I really soak it all up. I love his sweaty smell sometimes, I love the breast milk breath, I love the way he looks at me like he is falling in love each time and I love the rise and fall.

 

I sometimes catch him staring through me, around me. I catch him talking to himself and giggling at what appears to be nothing. I ask him if he is playing with his brother.

 

I always knew I would be one of those parents who watched their baby sleep but I never thought about the fear of not seeing the rise and fall of his little chest. If I can't clearly see it, I place my hand there to feel it. If it still isn't obvious enough for me, I make noises...I wake the poor sleeping child. He quickly falls back to into his slumber, back to where I like to think he plays with Brody but my mind wonders. It wonders to dark places that so desperately beg God that he will never truly be with his brother in my lifetime.

His personality is like I dreamt him up myself. Made him up, created the mold, broke it, then clicked my heals three times and poof...

He makes me laugh and he makes me cry. He makes me fall in love with his Daddy all over again.

He makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Watching his sweet rise and fall

 

from blue to greenish

I just wanted to share my new blog with everyone. I hope that if you are interested in natural products, baby products, cloth diapering, crafts....Oh I can go on and on. I just hope that you will check out the new blog and share with your friends. These are things that I love talking about and would love to hear from others who love to talk about them too.

http://frombluetogreenish.blogspot.com/

Month 2

Does anyone else think it is incredible that I have a 2 month old? Adam is probably sick of me saying "I can't believe he is ours"or "can you believe I gave birth to him"?

Issac is getting so big and so alert. Ha, what a face!

 

He is truly the goofy but wise beyond his years boy that I have always dreamt of having. He is really into listening to music which makes me so happy and proud. He loves being read to and talked to like an adult. He looks at you like your crazy if you use "the baby talk voice".

The smiling is just too much. He giggles in his sleep which leads me to the conclusion that he must be playing with his brother in his dreams. Ah, but he also whimpers in his sleep, which sadly makes me think he knows he has to come back to reality and Brody stays in his dreams. Don't worry Isaac, it makes mommy just as sad.

I'm totally grasping why they call babies after a loss a rainbow baby. They certainly don't make you forget about the destruction of the storm but seeing that beautiful rainbow does ease the pure agony that it brought forth.

As for the product or item that we couldn't live without. There might be too many to talk about. Pandora has sure saved us a few times. Gripe water really helps soothe his belly issues. Sadly, he got his mommy's belly. He already grew out of his Woombie because he is super long but we have moved on to the Halo Sleep Sack. I don't love it as much as the woombie but it does the job.

Also, we have discovered a bath in lavender essential oils is pretty much a miracle. God sent, nothing shorter.

One more thing. I will be starting a new blog soon. From Blue to Greenish. I hope you all will follow. Since giving birth, my body has done a total shift. I pretty much started getting hives from everything from my make-up to soap so I decided to go "green". I started making a few things on my own and also buying organic and natural items as well.

When I started cloth diapering, I wanted to do it because I knew it was better for Isaac but mostly because they were so darn cute but now it has lead me from being very sad and blue about Brody to being a Greenish mommy for Isaac. I will keep everyone updated on when the blog will go live. Thanx all!

 

The first month

The first month was everything I had expected it to be and a lot more. There were only a few times where I thought I might pull my hair out and a ton of moments where I thought I had truly been dreaming.

Could it really be that this precious on earth angel was mine? Sure, I had carried him for almost 10 months but part of me never expected him to actually come home with us. Eeee, I know, I hate even admitting that.

There were plans that I had and had to change but that is what parenting is all about. Right....RIGHT?

Nursing was a breeze. What a relief. All my insane research paid off. He literally came out an expert breastfeeder. Is that a word? I was so proud of him and myself too. We had a bit of hump during the third week when I realized I wasn't making enough milk and my lil guy was hungry. I was in tears along with him. I refused to supplement so I did something almost as bad...listened to my mother. haha, just kidding. She suggested having a beer so that is exactly what I did in pure desperation to feed my child. It worked and now we are making enough milk for a football team. Hmmm, maybe that's not the best way to put it.

Anywho

My no bink policy got thrown to the waist side about 2 weeks in when I realized his need to suck was so big that my poor "bottles" couldn't let him do it all night long.

Cloth diapering took an entire month to get in place. It is literally a lot of trial and error. We finally found the diaper that works best for us was an old style prefold and a cover. Should of guessed. I could really go on and on about CDing but I will spare you...but if you are interested and want to hear or want some tips or advice, don't hesitate to throw an email and ask.

I have decided to write each month about one product we could absolutely not do without. The first month, it was definitely the Woombie. Adam and I must have asked three nurses in the hospital to show us how to swaddle. We failed miserably when we got home but Isaac really needed it so when we found this product, it was like Heaven shined down upon us and we heard angels sing. Finally, we were getting some sleep. He doesn't sleep "through the night" but he sleeps in blocks of 3. First being 4-5 hours, second about 2, and the last 2 more. I'm no expert, but I've heard through the new mommy grapevine, that that is pretty darn good. If you are a new mommy, seriously check out the link! Thank me later.

My mom and I really tried to get a good 1 month picture and well, with a one month old...this was the best we could do. If you look close, my mom's hands are behind him holding him so he doesn't fall over.

Here is Isaac trying on some of my creations. To think that I started crocheting because of Brody and now I'm putting my work on his Brother...yea, it kinda makes my heart explode with love.

Please come back each month as I try to improve my photography skills. Yikes!

family of four

Last night as our family lay in bed, Isaac in the middle, one hand wrapped around my finger and one hand wrapped around his Dad's. I felt tears rolling down my face and I honestly couldn't tell if they were that of joy or that of sadness.

Please don't miss understand me. The amount of joy that Isaac has created is immeasurable but as I watched the love between Adam and Isaac, I suddenly felt the immeasurable absence of Brody.

To everyone else, we look like a family of three but in our hearts we are a family of four. A family of four minus one. I asked Adam if having Isaac here helps with the pain. He responded the same way I would have. "No, but it helps to keep you occupied".

Not that we don't think about the pain, not that it has suddenly vanished, not that Brody isn't still our first child. It is just that between the diapers, the feedings, the smiles, the insane amount of love, the pain has found a semi permanent place a little below the surface of where it used to reside.

For some reason, my love for Isaac doesn't bring the pain closer to the top as much as watching Adam and Isaac does.

As one might think, watching them and their shenanigans (pretty sure Isaac thought he could get milk from Dad's nose) does make me think of what could have been but it also makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. And well, who couldn't love that baby?