family of four

Last night as our family lay in bed, Isaac in the middle, one hand wrapped around my finger and one hand wrapped around his Dad's. I felt tears rolling down my face and I honestly couldn't tell if they were that of joy or that of sadness.

Please don't miss understand me. The amount of joy that Isaac has created is immeasurable but as I watched the love between Adam and Isaac, I suddenly felt the immeasurable absence of Brody.

To everyone else, we look like a family of three but in our hearts we are a family of four. A family of four minus one. I asked Adam if having Isaac here helps with the pain. He responded the same way I would have. "No, but it helps to keep you occupied".

Not that we don't think about the pain, not that it has suddenly vanished, not that Brody isn't still our first child. It is just that between the diapers, the feedings, the smiles, the insane amount of love, the pain has found a semi permanent place a little below the surface of where it used to reside.

For some reason, my love for Isaac doesn't bring the pain closer to the top as much as watching Adam and Isaac does.

As one might think, watching them and their shenanigans (pretty sure Isaac thought he could get milk from Dad's nose) does make me think of what could have been but it also makes me fall in love with my husband all over again. And well, who couldn't love that baby?