Expecting

I wrote this shortly I found out and of course wanted to wait till I had made the announcement. I feel a bit differently today than I did when I wrote this but I still wanted to share some of my early fears. I will be posting later in the week about what has been going on in week 8...



Of course I won't be publishing this till after everyone knows but by now I have made the big announcement that we are EXPECTING!. I think now that word means more to me than it ever had before.

Expecting.

We are EXPECTING a baby, we are EXPECTING our lives to change, we are EXPECTING to bring home a healthy and breathing little baby.

I think I know pretty well that you can expect something and never actually get it.

Don't get me wrong, I am actively excited about being pregnant with Brody's brother or sister. I have went ahead and bought some cute clothes that in my opinion are going to look super adorable on a pregnant belly. I've done some serious brainstorming on how I want to decorate the room and how I want to do all the things that I had intended to do with Brody. You know, all those things that make me one of those "crazy moms" like cloth diapering and breastfeeding...gasp, I know, how will I ever survive?

But...there is another part of me, the part that gave birth to a sleeping baby 9 months ago, that EXPECTS something different too.

I never EXPECTED pregnancy to be this difficult. I swear I loved that little baby from the moment I read positive, but I find myself pushing away love at times, I find myself scared of loving too much but not being able to help it. Pregnancy after loss is HARD!

Every little thing is just a reminder of the baby you EXPECTED before, the ONLY memories you have of your baby that is gone. Every appointment, every craving, everything single feeling that you have is a feeling you've had before. A feeling that was new and exciting the first time around is now just a reminder of your empty arms. And I swear if I ever hear someone tell me that it will be okay because my arms will be filled with a new baby, I might sucker punch them and I am like the anti-violence queen.

I have so many fears and so many emotions that I can't compartmentalize them where they need to go in my mind. Are they rational or irrational, are they because my baby died or is it just pregnancy hormones getting the best of me?

My biggest fear and one no one seems to understand is. What if the baby inside me, growing more and more each day, is a boy!

I realize that there is a 50% chance of this happening and me putting these feelings out there leaves me pretty vulnerable to the fact that it just might happen, and that if it does, all of you will know my deepest and darkest fears. I guess I'm willing to take that risk.

My biggest fear is at that 17, 18, 19 week appointment( which ironically lands right on big brother's birthday) to determine the sex and I hear those words...again. It's a ...

What if that happens and it's like deja vu. What if from there on out every move he makes and every new face he shows us makes me think of what could have been? Would it be like a blessing to see or would it be like punch in the chest because we will never know for sure?

And then? What in the world am I gonna do at 30 weeks, God willing, I make it that far? I just picture myself laying in bed, bloodshot eyes, unable to sleep just waiting ever so "patiently" and EXPECTING  my placenta to abrupt. EXPECTING the pain that I will never, ever forget. EXPECTING to deliver a stillborn baby.

That's all I know. That is my normal. That is what I expect