bad day

I know I just posted but. wow. It's amazing how things change from day to day.

Today, I can count how many times I've smiled or laughed on one hand.

The official count on the number of tears I've cried today is still up in the air at this point. I've cried tears that made no sense and some that felt so right.

I cried because I couldn't find a parking place at the post office.

I cried because my dog ate all my yummy muffins that I just bought...while I was at the post office.

I cried because my fish died.

I cried because my dogs were driving me crazy with their insane barking habits and I yelled at them.

I cried because I miss my son.

I cried because instead of cuddling with him and smelling his babyness, I was in bed crying...alone.

I cried because the baby inside me isn't him.

I cried because I feel like such a fool assuming that I might actually get to bring this one home.

I cried because this thought went through my mind " If something bad is going to happen, I just wish it would happen already". I know how scary that thought is, I know how horrible that thought is, but I mostly know how honest that thought is.

I wish I could witness a miracle. I wish I could stand before the face of God himself and have him give me a thumbs up, a reassurance that everything is going to be okay and that in less than 7 months, I will have Brody's brother or sister in my arms...alive and breathing.

I know that is asking for a lot. I know I'm just supposed to have faith that all we be okay but its easier said than done these days.