Everything I imagined....and more.

I know, I know. It's been forever since I have written. I know everyone has been anxiously awaiting a post about the shell release and I have been equally as anxious to write one....So lets get to it!

First off, I have to say that vacation was nothing short of amazing. Along with it being the most fun I've seriously ever had in my life, I actually witnessed miracles...no kidding! I will save those for a totally different post because, believe me...They deserve their own!

The shell release was everything I had pictured in my mind ever since I decided to do it. And more. The day of the release, I woke up early and placed all the shells out on the balcony. We had 60 shells when we left PA and something told me to take my markers along on the trip. Something was right! We gained a shell in Fort Myers. A very special shell to me and everyone on the trip, which like I said...deserves it's own special post.

We all jumped in the car and drove up to Siesta. I will tell you, I've never been so anxious in my life. The closer we got, the closer I felt to my old grief, closer to God, and closer to my son. We stayed on the beach during the day and soaked up the sun and I soaked up some deep emotions. Last time that I laying on that beach, staring into the water and into the sky, I felt a little closer to Heaven and this time was no different.

In the evening, we gathered our cameras and the shells and headed back to the water. I was nervous! I wanted it to be perfect. We decided 61 shells wouldn't fit into my hands at once so we did a few at a time.

Adam placed each shell into my hands, one at a time as I said the names in my head, and some just came out, out loud.

There was something amazing going on and I knew I wasn't the only one who felt it.

After the shells were in my hands, I tossed them gently into the water. Looking back, I don't know how I didn't cry.

My mind was actually pretty clear at the time. I didn't think of my grief, I didn't think about the journey of baby loss, I didn't feel pity for being one of many, many grieving mothers, I didn't even feel sad. I did feel memories, rushing through my body so fast that I didn't even get clear pictures of them in my mind. I felt them. I felt every memory each shell ever had, the impact they had made on the lives of their loved ones, and the LOVE that they left behind.

We decided to keep Brody's shell for last.

Adam and I climbed up onto the old pier, I kissed his shell, and tossed. And then.....After throwing 60 other shells with no problem, the wind caught his shell and brought it back. It hit off the cement and broke into pieces. At first, I was devastated. When my hurt eyes looked towards Adam, he started to laugh and then so did I. I've gotten this far in my journey because I came to the conclusion that Brody died for reason. I have my guesses on why but I will never actually know....Same with the shell. I had to realize it happened for a reason. Maybe Brody's soul is so strong, he wanted more, he wanted more pieces, not just one shell. I mean he is essentially the reason why I was doing the release in the first place. My second thought was, well, if he has his Daddy's sense of humor, he probably just thought that was sooooo funny.

Adam and I reflected as we looked through the pictures.

He told me how proud he was of me. I could tell you that in that moment I realized what an amazing husband I had but I would be totally lying. I've known that since the moment I met him, that's why I married him.

I felt so amazing after the release. I didn't feel closure. My heart was still missing a piece, however, my heart grew a little too. I felt my acceptance grow too. I physically cannot dwell on the fact that Brody is gone. I can't let myself go there. But I can remember him, I can honor him, I can do things that help me and other mom's and dad's who have lost....and I will....ALWAYS!