When I've been in a funk and I just can't put my finger on it, I check out the blog and realize it's been entirely too long since I have written and then I'm reminded...I need this blog! I cannot even begin to fathom where I would be without it.
My Gosh, I remember the early days of my head hung low, staring at the computer screen with puffy eyes, frantically searching for someone like me, listening to every baby loss song that ever existed and strangely picking out my "favorite". These nights may or may not have involved wine from Foxburg, cigarettes, and pools of tears. My trips to the bathroom were often taken over by the "stop and stare" at the closed door which would have been Brody's room. Once, I found myself leaning my forehead against the door with my hand beside. I was so afraid to look inside but wanted desperately to go in, sit on the floor and cry all over it. I wanted to look around and re-imagine where everything was gonna go and picture us sitting in the nursing chair. It took months for me to go in the room and now it's where I am the majority of everyday...me and my crochet hook. Those days look so scary now. My grief was so fresh and I was almost numb...almost!
Now, that the numbness has subsided and I literally feel EVERYTHING, this place...the blog, comforts me in so many ways. It almost pulls me in and embraces me. I swear, it does everything but wipe the tears from my face.
I can honestly say, there has not been one moment of regret about the Frog Blog. It has not let me down at all. It has helped me do exactly what I set out to do...which is help other angel mommies feel like they are not alone on their journey. Even in my early grief, I knew the part that bothered me the most, besides the fact that Brody was gone, was that I was not the first or the last person this had happened to. It hurt my heart. I've said it numerous times, I would have given my life if I knew I could have been the last to feel that pain. This pain.
I got a message the other day from another BLM(baby loss mommy) who said this to me...
" I remember what you said about no one can tell me how to grieve and that there isn't a right or wrong way. That has given me the ability to not question myself. I do what feels right and for the first time I don't really worry about what others think of it. I know there is no manual for this. But, I do feel like you prepared me for things that I would have struggled with. For this I'm saying Thank you, yet again!"
You have NO idea what that meant to me. I swear I could feel my heart growing back together. And guess what? I actually get to meet her tomorrow! My first actual meeting with another woman who has suffered the same loss. Believe it or not, I don't actually have any words to explain it. It's more than excitement, Its less than anxious, its more than just the first time we meet each other...I. Just. Have. No. Words. But, with her blessing, I will talk all about it when I can.
I'm also considering doing something pretty cool but I need advice from the Frog Blog readers. http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/2011/10/spoken-word-blog-round-up.html
Here is the link. It is a spoken word blog round up, which means I would pick one post to read in a video and you guys could watch it. I'm just undecided about which one I want to read so, just feel free to email me, msg me, call me....whatever you have to do.
And....Don't forget to watch the other videos because I'm pretty sure if it weren't for those women...you wouldn't be reading this. :)
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