Summer looks scary now

It is absolutely beautiful outside. I'm looking out the window right now and there isn't a cloud in the sky. The sun is shining the birds are chirping and my eyes are filled with tears.

Ive been like this for days now and I just can't shake it. It is kinda strange for it to be so nice here in western PA at this time of year. I'm sure everyone is loving it but for me it's just a painful and cruel reminder that the last time the sun was shining so bright, I was glowing from pregnancy.

All my summer maternity clothes hang in my closet...untouched. I cant bring myself to put them away or even glance in their direction.

This time last year, I was just finding out that I was pregnant and sharing the happy news with everyone. I was five weeks when we made the announcement. "Everyone" says wait till your in your second trimester to announce because your risk of miscarriage decreases by like 90% or something like that. Well, a close friend said something to me that made so much sense. "If something does go wrong, you are gonna want everyone around you supporting you and you will have to tell them anyway". She was right.

And now...what did it matter anyway. I was an exception to the rule when it comes to statistics. Placental abruption occurs in a measly 1% of pregnancies worldwide...1%! And of that 1%, 24% of them experience a class three separation, which means the fetus dies. Statistically, I am an average and fairly healthy 29 year old and should have been more than capable of carrying and giving birth to a healthy bouncing baby boy. Statistics mean nothing to me anymore.

I remember every outfit I wore when I was pregnant and the thought of putting on those clothes this year scares the daylights out of me. How can I do that? I can't put myself in that position. The memories hurt enough on their own.

Pregnancy memories are so bittersweet. I miss it everyday. I pretty much miss everything about it. I miss something that almost killed me. That is a hard pill to swallow. I reminisce about the very thing that almost killed me and succeeded at killing my baby.

I'm so afraid of summer to arrive. Everything is gonna bring back those memories. Swimming, driving with the window down, air conditioning, and the sun shining.

I know Summer is gonna creep up on me like a bad day I never saw coming and it scares me. I feel like this year, the sun is gonna burn in whole a different way.